• About
  • Connect
  • Services
  • Advertise
  • Urban Dater on Twitter
  • Urban Dater on Facebook
  • Subscribe to the Urban Dater RSS Feed
  • Urban Dater on Instagram
Explore Close
Menu Close

Categories

Dating & RelationshipsOnline DatingTips & AdviceRelationshipsFor MenAsidesSelfSexFor WomenOpinionDates & DetailsFeaturedUncategorizedDate IdeasSpecialAdvertDating SitesQuestions and AnswersFashionNews

Tags

DatingRelationshipsOnline DatingSexloveadvicedating advicerelationshipdating tipssinglefirst datewomenrelationship advicevalentines dayromanceFor WomendatesFor Menmenobservations

Archives

March 2021 February 2021 January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 February 2020
  • Online Dating
    • Dating Apps
    • Dates & Details
    • For Women
    • For Men
  • Dating & Relationships
    • Fashion
    • Opinion
    • Self
    • Tips & Advice
  • Ask the Urban Dater
  • Sex
    • Adult Dating
    • BDSM
    • Better Sex
    • LGBTQ
    • Love
    • Sexting
  • Write for Us!
  • About
  • Connect
  • Services
  • Advertise
  • Urban Dater on Twitter
  • Urban Dater on Facebook
  • Subscribe to the Urban Dater RSS Feed
  • Urban Dater on Instagram

the Urban Dater

A Blog About Online Dating, Relationships & Sex

  • Online Dating
    • Dating Apps
    • Dates & Details
    • For Women
    • For Men
  • Dating & Relationships
    • Fashion
    • Opinion
    • Self
    • Tips & Advice
  • Ask the Urban Dater
  • Sex
    • Adult Dating
    • BDSM
    • Better Sex
    • LGBTQ
    • Love
    • Sexting
  • Write for Us!
Close
NextEscaping The Friend Zone: How We Both Climbed Out Together
  • Explore
  • Menu
  • Menu
Dating & Relationships

The Makings of Mr Nice Guy and How to Step Up

Marcus on January 30, 2019
Share This Article
Facebook11Tweet0Pin1

How many of us grew up believing the typical success story: that by ace-ing our grades in school, getting into University, followed by corporate employment is a form of success?

You're ‘supposed’ to fall in love and get married, get your house, your 2.5 children and live happily ever after. That's the model success story, just that life rarely pans out this way. The typical person goes to school, follows the system, get good grades and qualifies for a good corporate job. He never questions the curriculum, the value of the curriculum or if they even truly care about the subject or not.

Interestingly, I get similar stories from my clients, they graduated from. University, got a corporate nine to five, wake up one day, shit hits the fan and life hits them. They seem to have once bought into and lived the typical success story.

This is also the making of the Mr. Nice Guy.

The Nice Guy Problem and Metrics of Success

You can argue that the typical success story is always pleasing of societal and parental expectations. This leads to the Mr. Nice Guy problem.

Nice guys aren’t actually nice, they are instead forced to be nice on the surface for social approval.

The nice guy is actually not that nice. He's actually dishonest fundamentally as he attempts to get his needs met in a manipulative and passive aggressive way. The asshole and the nice guy are actually the same people. They are both acting from the place of insecurity and unworthiness.

Throughout my teenage years, I felt I was the ‘rebel' and the ‘bad boy' rather than the Mr. Nice Guy. In fact, I still gave too much a fuck what people thought of me, and was still unable to assert myself in a truly confident manner.

The Nice Guy is always attempting to meet everybody's needs and wants, but his own. The truly confident person is able to assert his needs in the world and get comfortable with getting his needs met in a timely manner.

Nice guys often believe that by being outspoken or blunt is a form of politeness or niceness. However, their behavior often speaks otherwise. They don't wear their heart on their sleeves and don't express their real intentions. That's manipulative behavior at best.

Dr. Robert Glover a psychologist argues that the making of a Nice Guy is rooted in not being able to meet your own needs, but constantly meeting the needs of others.

Children with inadequate parenting can grow up feeling like their own needs are unimportant. This leaks out to all aspects of their adulthood life.

He attempts to explain how childhood dynamics between the nice guy and his parents affect his behavior in adulthood. This gave me a lot of insight into my personal relationships with my parents whilst growing up. It opened up my eyes to how my dysfunctional relationship dynamic growing up affect how I led my life: how I asserted myself with girls, my academic performance and my life.

Societal Expectations and Your Needs

You can get a lifestyle that seems nice and perfect on the outside, however, you may feel broken and dysfunctional on the inside.

In some cultures, there may be a desire everything to be paper perfect: from parental, employment and relationship expectations. Since I’m Singaporean, I can emphasize that in certain Asian cultures, this can be a root of shame.

It took me years to accept that I am not built to be that accounting guy. I used to pride myself on rigid practicality. ‘I need to graduate from an accounting degree to be deemed successful.’ I told myself for years.

The majority of people who are on the nice guy end of the spectrum need to learn how to please themselves more and put their needs first. Being selfish and your needs and wants met and then helping others unconditionally can be considered benevolent selfishness.

The new age self-help industry throws words around like such as self-love but at the core of is having boundaries. Having strong boundaries and defining what you would and not would accept from others in your life is one of the first steps in taking control of your dating and social life.

You can't be responsible for how others react towards you. The only responsibility you can have is in your own actions and emotions. The only person you can please and control is yourself.

Photo by Bahram Bayat on Unsplash

Signup for Our Newsletter

Get Us in Your Inbox!

Online Dating, Sex, and Relationship Advice Tips in Your Inbox…
Follow @theurbandater



Share This Article
Facebook11Tweet0Pin1
  • Posted in: Dating & Relationships

Posted by Marcus

Marcus Neo publishes practical dating advice based on psychological research at MarcusNeo.Com

All Posts Website
Leave a comment Hide comments

Leave a reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Popular

  • 8 Things to Say to Your Ex Who You Still Love
  • A Girl doesn’t Text Back – Use These Texts Instead Of leaving Her Alone
  • What to Say to a Girl You Just Met
  • Men Who Give You Their Number Instead of Taking Yours. ~ Group Post.
  • 7 Tips on How to Give Your Partner Great Phone Sex
  • 3 Questions To Ask Yourself After 3 Months of Dating
  • Why Does He Want to be Friends if He Doesn’t Want to Date You?
  • How to Scratch Someone’s back
  • Seven Things You Should Be Looking For By The Fifth Date
  • Letters to Lovers Lost

Signup for Our Newsletter

Online Dating, Sex and Relationship Advice Tips in Your Inbox...
Follow @theurbandater

Previous
Escaping The Friend Zone: How We Both Climbed Out Together
January 29, 2019
Next
Better Sex – It May Take Time
February 21, 2019

Let’s Socialize

  • Urban Dater on Twitter
  • Urban Dater on Facebook
  • Subscribe to the Urban Dater RSS Feed
  • Urban Dater on Instagram

General Bullshit

  • About
  • Disclosure Statement
  • Legal
  • Guest Posting
  • Terms and Conditions for Contributors

Archives by Month

© 2021 the Urban Dater by DigiSavvy, Inc. — Proudly Hosted on WP Engine —
  • Urban Dater on Twitter
  • Urban Dater on Facebook
  • Subscribe to the Urban Dater RSS Feed
  • Urban Dater on Instagram
Dating & Relationships

The Makings of Mr Nice Guy and How to Step Up

by Marcus time to read: 3 min
Dating & Relationships Did I Waste My Time?
Dating & Relationships Escaping The Friend Zone: How We Both Climbed Out …
0