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Did I Waste My Time?

The first thing I said to my Tinder date, L, was ā€œYouā€™re probably wondering why I called you here today.ā€ I shouted as I tried to elevate them above the dull roar of the Dodgers faithful at the Verdugo Bar, in Glassel Park. I went on, ā€œBecky, in Accounts Payable, thinks youā€™re ā€˜a real curmudgeon.ā€™ Needless to say, you have disappointed me for the last time.ā€

The things I miss most about my time with L was our laughter and irreverent banter. Our half-baked plots to troll her neighbors were numerous. Iā€™d be lying if I told you I still didnā€™t think about those times together spent laughing. But that wasnā€™t the totality of our time together. 

I was chasing a woman who didnā€™t want to be caught, a silhouette in the distanceā€”If I was just a little faster I could catch her. I never did.

If Iā€™m being honest with myself, and you, our time together should have ended at our would-be one night stand. But it didnā€™t. L interested me, she was funny and she thought I was funny, too. She was a Professor and a proud subscriber of ā€˜Bitch Magazine.ā€™ She knew things, she was intelligent, and outspoken. As much as I appreciated these qualities of hers, I also fetishized them I think. 

I waited a couple of days before I texted L back after our date. She didnā€™t text me and I knew she wouldnā€™t either. I craved the attention of someone like her, someone who was strong and brilliant, someone who could validate me. I didnā€™t know it then but thatā€™s what Iā€™ve uncovered now that Iā€™ve put the remains of our relationship behind me. 

I was still on the mend from my previous relationship, where my ex declared ā€œNo woman will ever love you and accept your baggage like I did.ā€ I wasnā€™t looking for a relationship, I was looking to prove my ex wrong.

L ran from New York City, fleeing who knows what, pursuing her PhD, and a host of other things I either didnā€™t know about or understand. She was broken, too, I think. 

She was complex and always just out of reach. This aloof pattern of behavior drew me out, made me insecure, and created self doubt as I held ever more tightly to our relationship. Why wasnā€™t I good enough? What was wrong with me? I never thought about why she was distant, I never considered why L wouldnā€™t pull the trigger and commit to something deeper. I even told her I loved her, something she never said back during our time together. Although, she would often tell me to fuck off and I always thought that was her rather dysfunctional way of telling me she loved me. She declined invites to my familyā€™s shindigs and I had limited exposure to her little world.

We leaned on each other for emotional support a lot while we were together. L was toiling away at her dissertation, her ā€œdissā€ as she often referred to it. Weā€™d wander neighborhoods searching for Secret Stairs throughout the city to entertain ourselves.

She would call, crying, frustrated, feeling defeated. I would calm her, give her a pep talk and tell her she had this in the bag and to keep working. L supported me, too. I was into my second year of being a freelance developer. The weight of my work and bills felt insurmountable. Early one morning, I was fighting back tears when I told her I was going to quit and go get a regular job, that I couldnā€™t do it. L looked me in the eyes, gave me a kiss and told me she believed in me. I largely credit that moment with my perseverance in my work and growing my business. 

Even though I knew things wouldnā€™t work even though we were selfishly using one another for comfort we continued onward heading right to the inevitable breakup. I was eyeballing her dissertation deadline, in my gut I knew that things would be over then. 

With a couple of months out, Lā€™s focus narrowed and her stress mounted, I heard from her less and less. I didnā€™t make her feel bad about it. Things were happening as I thought they would. L left town to defend her dissertation and then to visit friends and family. She was gone for about a month. I heard from her three times. Twice before her dissertation and one more time a week after it was done, when she told me she passed it or whatever someone does to become a legit PhD. I was proud but I was also sad and a bit angry.

When L finally came into town, we made dinner plans for a Sunday. She chose Badmaash, in downtown. We didnā€™t talk about our relationship during dinner; I held her hand thinking to myself that it would be the last time. Our dinner was met with long periods of awkward silence that I tried to interrupt with jokes that delivered a polite laugh here and there.

We left the restaurant, hand in hand, and got the corner of 2nd and Main, where I heaved a heavy sigh and L suddenly observed, ā€œHey, you seem like you have a lot on your mind. Do you want to talk about our relationship?ā€ Her question lacked for subtlety for certain. This was it, the last stop, our final moments together and L said, ā€œI canā€™t be with you the way you want me to and I feel like I just keep disappointing you.ā€ I was angry and I was hurt, if not unsurprised. ā€œFor what itā€™s worth,ā€ she said, ā€œYouā€™ve been so great these last few months.ā€ I put my hands on my head and yelled ā€œYES, I KNOW THAT!!!!ā€ I didnā€™t want to say something I would later regret. So I stormed away, each of us walking our separate ways at the intersection of broken hearts and future hopes.

We never spoke again but we each moved on.

I was looking for someone to make me whole. I wondered if I had wasted my time chasing that relationship… Maybe. But it also doesn't matter because I learned a few things on the other side of it.

It took me a while to realize that and understand what I really wanted and needed. Now I do and now I am happy and whole. I hope L is, too.

Author Profile

Alex is the founder and managing editor at the Urban Dater. Alex also runs: DigiSavvy, for which he is the co-founder and Principal. Alex has a lot on his mind. Will he ever get it right? If he does, he'll be sure to write.

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