You lust over each other's Instagram accounts, exchange a couple of perfectly scripted emoji texts and he asks if you know of any great happy hours in the area. Assuming the final hurdle was just making sure your pictures match up with your true, unfiltered selves, you agree to meet for half priced drinks and some garlic aioli fries. His hand is on your thigh, cackling at all of your stupid jokes. He verbally assures you that you'll ‘love his mom‘. His phone rings, he doesn't budge. He refuses to make eye contact with the much younger blonde server as he compliments your eyes and waits for you to blush. So, this means you’re getting a second date right?
Wrong. The next morning, you wake up to twenty-five spam email reminders and a text from your dad asking why you always come home so late. “Because my date and I stayed up and chatted about all of our dreams and aspirations until the bar closed, that's why DAD.” That thought makes you smile, and then you remember…no text from Mr. Wonderful this morning. He's probably just playing hard to get, you think. The day progresses, and you run through all of the possible conversations you could have already had by 8 pm when you shoot him the highly un-suggested text “How's your day?” Two hours later…Nothing. Two hours, turn into two days and you find the courage to insecurely ask “Is everything ok?” Still nothing. Now you’re upset. Amazing date, amazing potential, no follow-up. “He’s married, blind or stupid” your sister reassures you as a text comes in:
“I…i'm so sorry…everything's not ok…I got shot on Saturday night” BULLSHIT.
Believe it or not, this was the icing on the cake to the plethora of lines us women hear on an almost too-good-to-be-true basis. “My best friends mother died, I have to take care of her and the estate” “I have this insane test that I have to study for, it's a make it or break it career opportunity” “I hit a deer on the way home, my car is totaled.” “I'm getting back with my ex girlfriend, we want to make this work”. You know what's easier to explain? “I'M JUST NOT INTO YOU”.
You want to know why that's easier? Because there's no follow-up question to that answer. Women are rarely going to ask you why you're not that into us. That's a box we just don’t want to open. Most are mature enough to move forward knowing you had the respect to let us know the truth, despite how painful you think it might be. What's more painful is not understanding why date two is so difficult to set up. U-G-L-Y, no need for all these alibi's, just TELL ME I’m UGLY. Don't tell me you didn't text me because a nurse was tending to your gun shot wounds. Tell me you didn't text me because you hated the fact that I lived with my father. There are plenty of fish in the sea and I'm going to be less impressed with your deceit than I would ever be with your blunt honesty. I'd have to quit my day job if I was meant for everybody. It's not the end of the world if we aren't meant to be, but it's the end of our friendship if I can't trust the words coming out of your mouth. While a little distance at the start of a relationship is healthy, ignorance is not.
Disregarding text messages, not following up with date plans and certainly making excuses for lack of effort are all signs that although he thinks I'll love his Mom, I'll never get the opportunity to meet her. After all, excuses are like assholes….and you my friend are one.
I am a 28 year old single mother of one. Stella Artois, appropriately named after my beer of choice, is my furry four legged child who's only job is to pick out a solid dude from the crapshoot of choices I bring home. We live with my father in an 800 square foot condo in Orange County, awaiting prince charming and enough memories to finish writing my autobiography about more baggage than an airport claim. Nothing keeps life more interesting than online dating, so I'm here to share with you bad dates 1-100.