It took 40-years, but five years ago I finally found the woman I’d been waiting for my entire life. Yes, on that beautiful summer day on June 28th I said those two magic words that I’d only ever said if a woman asked me if I wanted to have sex, “I do!”
And here’s the kicker, my wife is an honest-to-goodness master certified Relationship Coach! For those of you who do not know what that is, she’s basically a person who helps single women achieve their goals in finding love, and to do that she teaches them how to steer clear of, any and all “Womanizers” aka Players.
Full disclosure, she was not a relationship coach when we got married, but still the woman of my dreams actually knows more about dating and men than just about any person I’ve ever met. That includes many men!
The other cool thing about my wife is that she knows a lot about my former dating life and completely accepts it. We don’t talk about it very often, but if the topic of some woman I slept with, or some threesome I had comes up, she doesn’t force a change of subject or make any fuss.
Where does the guy who “just” sleeps around end and the womanizer begin?
I’ve always wondered where exactly a guy who just slept with a lot of women ended, and a Player began. I mean is there a cutoff number for the amount of women you had to sleep with to hit Player status? The fact is, I really never thought of myself as a Player.
Let’s take a look at what the online site Urban Dictionary has to say about what a Player is:
A male who is skilled at manipulating (“playing”) others, and especially at seducing women by pretending to care about them, when in reality they are only interested in sex.
The word “manipulating” is definitely the one term in there that I kind of take offense to. When I was trying to get laid I was really listening to all those women and generally cared about what they had to say… well, most of them… some of them… Ok shit, I “manipulated” women to get laid. Thanks for the unexpected moment of self-reflection Urban Dictionary. I don’t like to think I did, but I guess looking back, I was kind of manipulative.
Still, if every adult male who manipulated a woman for sex were labeled a Player the world would contain like 3.5 billion Players and 127 male virgins. The number has to count too, I would think. So how many women did I actually sleep with? The funny thing is I really don’t know. I have never actually counted.
I counted up to my senior year in college (13 women) and then the number just started going up drastically. I was kind of a late bloomer in that respect, if you can call being 21 late, but I stopped counting around then. There have been many times over the years where I have thought about going back and counting them to get an exact number, just so I would know. But for some reason I always stop short of actually starting an official count. Why is that?
I read Kiss member, Gene Simmons’ autobiography a few years back, and he claimed to have done a count of some kind and estimated the number of women he slept with to be over 5000 and he was damn proud of it. I am nowhere near the class of Player that Gene was for two reasons: he was the lead singer of a rock band in the 1970s, when having sex was like pulling paper towels out of a dispenser in a men’s bathroom, and… do I really need a second reason?
No, my number is in the hundreds, but I don’t think I could tell you any number beyond that. I wonder if Players are supposed to know their number. I have no idea if I am normal or abnormal in this “not knowing” department. That’s because I’ve never asked one if they count. As far as I know there are no “former player’s clubs” out there for those guys who retired from the “game” because they got into a serious relationship or lost their looks, will, and/or desire to continue. Maybe I should start one?
As I write this, two questions pop into my mind that I think need to be answered:
1) Why was I a Player for so long?
2) Do I actually miss it?
The first question is a bit complex in nature, but I think the simplest answer is twofold: I was only going to get into long-term relationships with any women I felt I was going to marry, and I was not going to settle for anyone I didn’t feel “had it all”. And second, I liked the company of women (more than men) and the intimacy and pleasure sex brought with it. Possibly a bit selfish, sure, but this was my truth for many years.
As for the second question, that is undeniable, “yes”. I do miss it.
Here is the kicker though… I don’t miss it that much. I really don’t. I love my wife so much and we have a great sex life and overall life together. Not to mention the fact that over 40% of all marriages end in divorce, often because the guy just couldn’t keep his “Johnson” in his pants. For me, I think about what one more night of sex would be like and how amazing it could be if I pick the right woman.
While I sowed my oats in my 20s and 30s, I always knew I wanted someone hot, and fun, and smart, and whom I love and want to grow old with. Someone who could actually make me hang up the “condoms”, so to speak (not sure what else a Player would hang up).
My wife, and the life we have together, has changed the game entirely, so I am officially retired. For now, and for good. That I know. So for all you Players still out there who wonder if there is a girl out there who can keep you from playing the game, I say, she’s out there you just have to do the work and decide that’s what you want.
So with that, I bid you adieux, because I have to go eat dinner with my wife now. She’s making ribs and potatoes. Did I mention she’s a great cook too? Then, if I am lucky I will get laid. And if I don’t, there’s always my right hand!
Kevin Leadingham is a writer and reality/documentary TV producer/director.
He lives in Los Angeles, CA with his wife Amie, who is a master certified relationship coach
http://amiethedatingcoach.com, and their noble Pomeranian Chayse.