We have another question from the ‘Ask the Urban Dater‘ archives. You know, there's a ton of books out there on how to get your ex back… I don't really think it's a good idea. In most, cases people become exes for various reasons. The one thing that keeps a couple together is if both people agree to work things out. That's it. Simple. That said, I give to you:
Today's question comes from Brody K. McSuchnstuff.
My ex girlfriend was testing her feelings for another guy by going on a date with him to see who she loved more; that guy or me. My ex girlfriend I had been talking about marriage, too. A couple weeks later I found out that she was going out with the guy because he's more of her type. Since that day, my ex and I became best friends and she loves me more like a best friend… I've been talking to all of my friends about it and they all say to move on and find someone better. I still love her and being with someone else will just make me think of her more and make me single again. How can I gain her love for me as more than a friend?
This is a tough situation to be in and, even as an eternal optimist, I gotta say things don't look good for you. You're looking for the end result of getting back together with your ex. Where you should be looking is why your ex's feelings changed to begin with… First off, that your ex did this is, well, for lack of a better word, shitty. Just shitty. To me, it's apparent that this woman is not worth your time and you should heed the advice of your friends. Like I said, it takes TWO people to make this thing work again.
The first thing I'd ask you is this: Have you talked to your ex and let her know how you feel? Have you told her that being “just friends” isn't good enough and that you need more from her? If you have and she doesn't share your feelings, then read on…
You see, your ex gets to have her cake AND eat it, too!! Not only does she get to be with this new guy, but she gets to keep you on the hook as a friend. Personally, that's too much good stuff and the Urban Dater's by laws of Dating & Mating, bylaw 11, section, 4, clearly states that: “In life, as in all things, there must be balance. If your significant other, friend, ex or relative, seems to be getting a good deal it is well within your rights to mess up their ‘good deal.'” That is, Brody, your ex needs to lose something. That something is your friendship.
In order for your ex to take you back, that's a conclusion she has to reach on her own, you can't force her to make that conclusion.
I've been in your situation two different times in my life. Each time was destructive for me. The women were women that I loved. When the relationships ended or had a “falling out” I tried to remain friends with these women, primarily because I did love them and wanted to be with them. The problem being they didn't want to be with me. I tried being a friend. My feelings would get in the way… I couldn't just be friends with these women. With the first one, she was my first girlfriend, first love; you name it. She got back together with an ex of hers… She wanted things to be how they used to be before we started dating. The thing is you can NEVER go back. No matter how hard you try. I had to walk away and it was painful. Very painful. I was a mess for months. She would call, I wouldn't take her calls. She would come to my house and I wouldn't answer. She would come to my work and I would ignore her. I knew what I wanted from her. I couldn't have it and just “being friends” wasn't enough for me and it was too hard. I needed time. We lost touch eventually… But I learned a lot, there. Sometimes you just can't do the friendship thing.
The other gal I was hung up on, well, that was a doozy of a situation. It was bad all the way around. My feelings became very deep for this other woman. Without launching into the whole story, it became clear that being friends at that time wasn't going to work either. We stopped being friends. It took about three years before we could even talk. Now I can be friends with her… That's a good thing. There isn't a chance for romance, though… And I'm okay with that.
Here's what I think you should do:
Stop being friends with this girl. Cut yourself off for your own sanity, for your “self presevation.” I mean it. Stop it completely.
Take time to think about your feelings and, you know, grieve the loss of this friendship.
Try not to mope and stay home. Do not stalk her facebook pages or anything like that. Do other things that hold your attention. Go to the gym.
Be social. It's the thing you'll want to do the least, but the thing that will help you the most.
Focus on you. Take care of yourself and the things you need to take care of.
Once you've really started on yourself then it's time to open yourself to dating again. My suggestion is to go out with a number of different women; maybe women you wouldn't ordinarily go out with. Sure, confidence boosting is one reason, but getting out there, meeting different women shows you what you can and cannot deal with in a relationship.
I hope this helps.
The Urban Dater
Okay? We know that BrodyK's not looking for the advice above, he's looking for the real “goods.” Is anyone looking? Brody K, here we go, man, I just wrote that stuff above to throw people off the trail. You want your ex back? There's ways to do it.
- First off, do call your ex. Not obsessively, but enough to let them know you're there for them. Sometimes, telling your ex that you feel down or that you need their help on something works wonders. It's the “wounded puppy” thing you're going for here.
- Do cut your ex off and don't talk her for periods of time. Try to find something that you can blame on her, give her the feeling that she needs to “make it up to you” somehow. Pro tip- Being unavailable and not paying attention to a woman works well, much of the time.
- Maintain your common group of friends, arrange times where you can all hang out so your ex will be there. She may have the new guy with her. Here's where you need your friends. If your friends want to help you get back together with your ex, you can have them give “friendly advice” to your ex about the guy. In other words, your friends would trash the new guy but make it sound like genuine concern, like they're helping your ex by trash talking this new dude.
- Do bring a new girl into the fold. It's gotta be a girl that likes, you though, someone you can be with and show your ex that you don't revolve around her. This one works well. Trust me.
Okay, now those are some crappy ways to be manipulative and probably your best chance at losing your ex forever. Good luck!