• About
  • Connect
  • Services
  • Advertise
  • Urban Dater on Twitter
  • Urban Dater on Facebook
  • Subscribe to the Urban Dater RSS Feed
  • Urban Dater on Instagram
Explore Close
Menu Close

Categories

Dating & RelationshipsOnline DatingTips & AdviceRelationshipsFor MenAsidesSelfSexFor WomenOpinionDates & DetailsFeaturedUncategorizedDate IdeasSpecialAdvertDating SitesQuestions and AnswersFashionNews

Tags

DatingRelationshipsOnline DatingSexloveadvicedating advicerelationshipdating tipssinglefirst datewomenrelationship adviceromancevalentines dayFor WomendatesFor Menmenobservations

Archives

January 2021 December 2020 November 2020 September 2020 August 2020 July 2020 June 2020 May 2020 April 2020 February 2020 January 2020 December 2019
  • Online Dating
    • Dating Apps
    • Dates & Details
    • For Women
    • For Men
  • Dating & Relationships
    • Fashion
    • Opinion
    • Self
    • Tips & Advice
  • Ask the Urban Dater
  • Sex
    • Adult Dating
    • BDSM
    • Better Sex
    • LGBTQ
    • Love
    • Sexting
  • Write for Us!
  • About
  • Connect
  • Services
  • Advertise
  • Urban Dater on Twitter
  • Urban Dater on Facebook
  • Subscribe to the Urban Dater RSS Feed
  • Urban Dater on Instagram

the Urban Dater

A Blog About Online Dating, Relationships & Sex

  • Online Dating
    • Dating Apps
    • Dates & Details
    • For Women
    • For Men
  • Dating & Relationships
    • Fashion
    • Opinion
    • Self
    • Tips & Advice
  • Ask the Urban Dater
  • Sex
    • Adult Dating
    • BDSM
    • Better Sex
    • LGBTQ
    • Love
    • Sexting
  • Write for Us!
Close
NextHow Soon is Too Soon to Have the Talk?
  • Explore
  • Menu
  • Menu
Dating & RelationshipsTips & Advice

How Can I Get My Ex Back?

yannibmbr on February 19, 2010
Share This Article
Facebook1Tweet0Pin0

We have another question from the ‘Ask the Urban Dater‘ archives.  You know, there's a ton of books out there on how to get your ex back… I don't really think it's a good idea.  In most, cases people become exes for various reasons.  The one thing that keeps a couple together is if both people agree to work things out.  That's it.  Simple.  That said, I give to you:

Today's question comes from Brody K. McSuchnstuff.

My ex girlfriend was testing her feelings for another guy by going on a date with him to see who she loved more; that guy or me.  My ex girlfriend I had been talking about marriage, too.  A couple weeks later I found out that she was going out with the guy because he's more of her type. Since that day, my ex and I became best friends and she loves me more like a best friend…  I've been talking to all of my friends about it and they all say to move on and find someone better. I still love her and being with someone else will just make me think of her more and make me single again. How can I gain her love for me as more than a friend?

This is a tough situation to be in and, even as an eternal optimist, I gotta say things don't look good for you. You're looking for the end result of getting back together with your ex. Where you should be looking is why your ex's feelings changed to begin with… First off, that your ex did this is, well, for lack of a better word, shitty. Just shitty. To me, it's apparent that this woman is not worth your time and you should heed the advice of your friends.  Like I said, it takes TWO people to make this thing work again.

The first thing I'd ask you is this:  Have you talked to your ex and let her know how you feel?  Have you told her that being “just friends” isn't good enough and that you need more from her?  If you have and she doesn't share your feelings, then read on…

You see, your ex gets to have her cake AND eat it, too!! Not only does she get to be with this new guy, but she gets to keep you on the hook as a friend. Personally, that's too much good stuff and the Urban Dater's by laws of Dating & Mating, bylaw 11, section, 4, clearly states that: “In life, as in all things, there must be balance. If your significant other, friend, ex or relative, seems to be getting a good deal it is well within your rights to mess up their ‘good deal.'” That is, Brody, your ex needs to lose something. That something is your friendship.

In order for your ex to take you back, that's a conclusion she has to reach on her own, you can't force her to make that conclusion.

I've been in your situation two different times in my life. Each time was destructive for me. The women were women that I loved. When the relationships ended or had a “falling out” I tried to remain friends with these women, primarily because I did love them and wanted to be with them. The problem being they didn't want to be with me. I tried being a friend. My feelings would get in the way… I couldn't just be friends with these women. With the first one, she was my first girlfriend, first love; you name it. She got back together with an ex of hers… She wanted things to be how they used to be before we started dating. The thing is you can NEVER go back. No matter how hard you try. I had to walk away and it was painful. Very painful. I was a mess for months. She would call, I wouldn't take her calls. She would come to my house and I wouldn't answer. She would come to my work and I would ignore her. I knew what I wanted from her. I couldn't have it and just “being friends” wasn't enough for me and it was too hard. I needed time. We lost touch eventually… But I learned a lot, there. Sometimes you just can't do the friendship thing.

The other gal I was hung up on, well, that was a doozy of a situation. It was bad all the way around. My feelings became very deep for this other woman. Without launching into the whole story, it became clear that being friends at that time wasn't going to work either. We stopped being friends. It took about three years before we could even talk. Now I can be friends with her… That's a good thing. There isn't a chance for romance, though… And I'm okay with that.

Here's what I think you should do:
Stop being friends with this girl. Cut yourself off for your own sanity, for your “self presevation.” I mean it. Stop it completely.
Take time to think about your feelings and, you know, grieve the loss of this friendship.
Try not to mope and stay home. Do not stalk her facebook pages or anything like that. Do other things that hold your attention. Go to the gym.
Be social. It's the thing you'll want to do the least, but the thing that will help you the most.
Focus on you. Take care of yourself and the things you need to take care of.
Once you've really started on yourself then it's time to open yourself to dating again. My suggestion is to go out with a number of different women; maybe women you wouldn't ordinarily go out with. Sure, confidence boosting is one reason, but getting out there, meeting different women shows you what you can and cannot deal with in a relationship.
I hope this helps.
The Urban Dater

Okay?  We know that BrodyK's not looking for the advice above, he's looking for the real “goods.”  Is anyone looking? Brody K, here we go, man, I just wrote that stuff above to throw people off the trail.  You want your ex back?  There's ways to do it.

  • First off, do call your ex.  Not obsessively, but enough to let them know you're there for them.  Sometimes, telling your ex that you feel down or that you need their help on something works wonders.  It's the “wounded puppy” thing you're going for here.
  • Do cut your ex off and don't talk her for periods of time.  Try to find something that you can blame on her, give her the feeling that she needs to “make it up to you” somehow.  Pro tip- Being unavailable and not paying attention to a woman works well, much of the time.
  • Maintain your common group of friends, arrange times where you can all hang out so your ex will be there.  She may have the new guy with her.  Here's where you need your friends.  If your friends want to help you get back together with your ex, you can have them give “friendly advice” to your ex about the guy.  In other words, your friends would trash the new guy but make it sound like genuine concern, like they're helping your ex by trash talking this new dude.
  • Do bring a new girl into the fold.  It's gotta be a girl that likes, you though, someone you can be with and show your ex that you don't revolve around her.  This one works well.  Trust me.

Okay, now those are some crappy ways to be manipulative and probably your best chance at losing your ex forever.  Good luck!

Signup for Our Newsletter

Get Us in Your Inbox!

Online Dating, Sex, and Relationship Advice Tips in Your Inbox…
Follow @theurbandater



Share This Article
Facebook1Tweet0Pin0
  • Posted in: Dating & Relationships, Tips & Advice
  • Tagged in: ask the urban dater, Relationships

Posted by yannibmbr

Alex is the founder, creative director and managing editor at the Urban Dater. Alex also runs his own boutique marketing agency in Orange County, Ca: DigiSavvy. Among his treasured pursuits are bike rides with his girlfriend (don't be perverted, now!), hiking, watching the Portland Trailblazers and the LA Angels. Follow Alex: Twitter | LinkedIn

All Posts
Show comments Hide comments

2 Comments

  1. girltrueheart February 19, 2010 at 5:06 pm

    OP: "How can I gain her love for me…."

    You can't.

    I'm sorry, was that too obvious?

    Reply

  2. Mrs sandra January 22, 2013 at 6:15 am

    What a beautiful and wonderful testimony some time things you don’t believe can just happen.

    THANKS..

    Reply

Leave a reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Popular

  • 8 Things to Say to Your Ex Who You Still Love
  • A Girl doesn’t Text Back – Use These Texts Instead Of leaving Her Alone
  • What to Say to a Girl You Just Met
  • Men Who Give You Their Number Instead of Taking Yours. ~ Group Post.
  • 7 Tips on How to Give Your Partner Great Phone Sex
  • 3 Questions To Ask Yourself After 3 Months of Dating
  • Why Does He Want to be Friends if He Doesn’t Want to Date You?
  • How to Scratch Someone’s back
  • Seven Things You Should Be Looking For By The Fifth Date
  • Letters to Lovers Lost

Signup for Our Newsletter

Online Dating, Sex and Relationship Advice Tips in Your Inbox...
Follow @theurbandater

Previous
How Soon is Too Soon to Have the Talk?
February 18, 2010
Next
Helping Your Friends in a Breakup.
February 22, 2010

Let’s Socialize

  • Urban Dater on Twitter
  • Urban Dater on Facebook
  • Subscribe to the Urban Dater RSS Feed
  • Urban Dater on Instagram

General Bullshit

  • About
  • Disclosure Statement
  • Legal
  • Guest Posting
  • Terms and Conditions for Contributors

Archives by Month

© 2021 the Urban Dater by DigiSavvy, Inc. — Proudly Hosted on WP Engine —
  • Urban Dater on Twitter
  • Urban Dater on Facebook
  • Subscribe to the Urban Dater RSS Feed
  • Urban Dater on Instagram
Dating & Relationships

How Can I Get My Ex Back?

by yannibmbr time to read: 5 min
Dating & Relationships Helping Your Friends in a Breakup.
Dating & Relationships How Soon is Too Soon to Have the Talk?
2