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How Soon is Too Soon to Have the Talk?

“What talk?” You ask.  There's a lot of talking a couple has to do before they even get to the serious phase a relationship, let alone marriage.  This is something that's been getting thrown around within the social media circles I run in.  So how soon is too soon to start talking about potentially “deal breaking” issues?Ordinarily I'd say “there's no time like the present” to start talking about these things.  Obviously that's idiotic and is also my trademark, kids.  Anyway, there's no magic number here like within ten dates you should know your date's sexual preferences, by twenty dates you should know if they want kids and within fifty dates you should have documentation on your nightstand regarding your lover's medical history… That's a nice thought, but, obviously, not very practical.

Below is my tried and and true method for getting over those relationship hurdles, known as the “Urban Dater Relationship Maker 3000… beta”

I don't want to know your name, I just want bang! Bang! Bang!

  • “Um, do you have anything that I should know about that requires special prescription ointments?”
  • “Do you like me?”
  • “If I go to your place you're not going to kill me, right?”
  • “How's that personal hygiene routine working out for ya, champ?”
  • “You are going to call me back… Right?”

I don't want anything serious, I like you, but I want to keep my options open… Ya dig?

  • “Are you seeing other people?”
  • “Do you have a job or do I need to pay for your broke azz all the time?”
  • “Are you really sure you don't have anything that I should know about that requires special prescription ointments?”
  • “How do we deal with disagreements?”

So you're saying you're not cool with me sleeping with other people?  Lame.

  • “What are your religious/political beliefs?”
  • “How committed are we to this relationship; to each other?”
  • “How do we feel about each others' friends?”
  • “How do we feel about each others' family?”

The “been together long enough that if you screw me over I'm lighting your stuff on fire and telling your mom that you're a bad lay” stage.

  • “What direction is this relationship headed?”
  • “Should we move in together?”
  • “Is marriage a viable thought for us?” (Honestly, this happens earlier many times, I think.  If people are relationship minded they can tell early on, possibly, whether or not their partner is a suitable mate for holy matrimony)
  • “Will our spiritual differences, if we have them, be a big issue?”
  • “Can we deal with each others' family?”
  • “You're not going to hack me up into little pieces, are you?”

The topics I mentioned, in general, should be topics that are addressed well before you consider marrying someone or really even getting seriously involved, as in moving in together, with someone.  Yes, I've once again simplified, but sometimes I need to in order to state my point.  So don't be hating on me, people!

As I said, there's no magic time to launch into these topics and chances are you will have these topics way out of order.  Perhaps you meet someone you're crazy about and you guys just “click” and no subject is taboo.  More power to you, these conversations flow at the speed of your comfort level.  They should anyway, so don't feel like you have to talk about these things if you're not ready or comfortable.

Sometimes you need to tell your partner to back off; that you don't feel like talking about a particular topic.  Be clear in thought, however, this goes back to the whole communication thing.  Communication is important, in case you didn't know.

Author Profile

Alex is the founder and managing editor at the Urban Dater. Alex also runs: DigiSavvy, for which he is the co-founder and Principal. Alex has a lot on his mind. Will he ever get it right? If he does, he'll be sure to write.

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