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Bitch Slap Your Inner Douche


Fellas, the ladies have asked me to tell you a few things. You see, they love men. They really do. They want to be welcoming and receptive to your polite, solid, and entertaining advances; to be swept off their feet by your charm and wit, to know that they are being approached by a MAN. But, nooooo, some of you have to muck it up for the rest of us by releasing your inner douche. Saddest part is, most of you have no idea you are doing it!

Time to Bitch Slap Your Inner Douche!

So, let’s break it down. First, let’s realize that women know you are coming on to them from the start. If you are near a woman and you open your mouth, there is a very good chance that you want to sleep with her, and she already knows it. So don’t act like you just want to chat about the weather. She’s waiting for the hammer to drop. If it doesn’t….wimpadouche.

If you want her number, ask for it. But earn it first. Make her comfortable, make her laugh, whatever. Just follow through. And if she declines; smile, be polite and say, “no worries, have a great day.” And move on! We can get into all sorts of different PUA (Pick Up Artist) training here – work angles, routines and such, but in general, there’s a multitude of reasons she said no and, unless you feel very strongly that she is simply testing you and there is actual interest on her part, just head on down the road. There are other women out there. If you stay engaged and keep pressing her, you are only going to anger her and quite possibly get a soothing, minty-fresh blast of pepper spray to go with your High Karate cologne. Thus solidifying your annoyadouchedom.

Whistling belittles you both. What in the precious Hell do you think you are going to accomplish by whistling at a woman? Do you really expect her to get all hot and bothered and slither over to you like Tawny Kitaen in a Whitesnake video? (http://youtu.be/i3MXiTeH_Pg. Watch it, it’s worth it). Seriously, has any woman in history ever been whistled at and thought, “Golly, that grimy, late-night-porn-gobbler with the bulging beer belly and a more than likely unfulfilling marriage, just whistled at me… I’m on top of the world”? Doubtful, indeed. And would you really want a woman with such low self esteem that she would trot right on over when you basically called her to you like a dog? Okay, some of you, don’t answer that. But most of the actual MEN out there are not looking for a basket case, prone to silently cutting herself under the table because you didn’t call her “pretty” fast enough. So, whistling is a lose-lose situation that can make you an assadouche.

Cease the swivel neck. Next time you are somewhere there are a lot people, sit back and watch the guys. When a hot woman walks into the room, the guys necks start to swivel. It’s amazing. Now, I understand that we guys are made that way. We have to look. But we do it so blatantly that we come across like 12 year olds seeing a boob for the first time. Calm yourselves, gentlemen. Have you ever noticed how quickly a woman can check out a guy? No. Of course you haven’t. Because women are damn good at it. When a guy walks into the room, a woman has sized him up in seconds and already determined if he has a shot. They figured it all out while we still haven’t retracted our tongues back into our frothing mouths, which smacks of immaturadouchery.

Don’t stare. Yes, eye contact is considered a powerful attraction component – when done correctly. A little glance, a little response, a little smile, is all well and good. But most guys do it wrong. There is an entire art to this, but suffice it to say, that if you stare at her too long, you will start to resemble a most wanted rapist mugshot and she will fear ending up in pieces in your freezer. And this, my friend, is the ultimate state of scarydoucheosity.

Don’t buy her that drink. You do not know this person, nor do you owe her anything. She does not want you to buy her attention. This makes her feel cheap. When you pay a woman for her time, what does that make her? An insult is not a good place to start a relationship, nor is an unsolicited compliment. Get the “Hellos” and other niceties out of the way first. Then decide if she is someone you want to truly compliment, or buy a drink. She will respect that you are a MAN of discernment and you now stand out from all the others trying to purchase her favor. You are, indeed, not a needydouche.

Realize that women can be very receptive to a nice gentleman with a suave demeanor.

They may even cherish it. I know it seems obvious, but sometimes we have to be reminded that simplicity can work. There's so much misinformation out there on how to be a MAN, so many “new” tricks. Just get your crap together and bitch slap your inner douche. Get rid of him and your inner strength will shine through and you will no longer need to rely on tricks. Because women are hit on every day. Badly. They are awash in douches, pardon the pun. After awhile, it gets so old that they turn on their harshest filters and, unless you are incredibly solid and smooth, you are simply brushed aside. So take notice, clean out the douche closet, make an effort. And if you do, you just might find a very receptive lady, thrilled to meet an actual MAN.

Oh, and don’t honk at a woman either, ever….. Douche.

Go On, Be Strong

Spike Spencer, the Dating Sage

Author Profile

The “Dating Sage,” Spike Spencer, is an internationally known public speaker, actor, voice over talent, and a Foodie of the first magnitude. He is also a self-published author, with thousands of books sold. For the past 6 years, Spike has been speaking in his humorous “Don’t Kill Your Date (and Other Cooking Tips)” panel at conventions around the world. Thousands have enjoyed his talks about dating, relationships, and “being a man,” using cooking, adventure, and self improvement as his mediums. At some of these appearances, Spike actually cooks for the crowd. Spike is currently in production on the TV pilot of his "Don't Kill Your Date (and Other Cooking Tips)" cooking/dating talk show, and writing the companion book, of the same title.

The DKYD concept derives from a very real desire to help guys become better MEN, spurred by Spike’s own personal story of divorce tragedy, bankruptcy, love lost, and re-emergence into the dating world. Through Spike’s “field research” - dating triumphs and tragedies, crazy experiences, PUA studies, and learning to really listen to women and build a strong successful relationship- Spike is the straight guy women can count on to help them translate their needs to their men. Spike uses cooking, a very real and popular way to expand a man’s arsenal of desirable traits, to help men attract the woman of their dreams, just like Spike has done!

You can contact the Dating Sage at [email protected]

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