I
t's been some years since a good-bye letter has hit this sordid pages. But below is a random one I got from a dude. He didn't leave an email and a bogus non-sensical name… Hence ‘the Urban Dater' as the contributor. I leave you to this…
I came home today, opened the door and looked to my left as I set my coat down on the coach. I took a long hard look. It's your photo. You always looked older than you are in that photo. It's the glasses that kill it. I was so very grateful when those glasses “mysteriously” went missing… I wonder what happened to them? Actually, I don't. Because they're in a box in my storage. Those ugly-as-sin glasses are going to be joined by this picture of yours that I'm taking down.
I'm not taking it down because I'm angry and I'm not taking it down because I'm particularly sad. No. I keep saying I've moved on… That's mostly true. I know that I wasn't all that great of a boyfriend to you. Aw hell. That's not true. I want to think I did mostly right by you. I stuck pretty close to the 90/10 rule, didn't I? You deserve… Someone that's willing to give you what you want and what you should have. While I wish I could have been that guy, I just couldn't. It wasn't in my heart. I know I lied toward the end. I'm sorry that I did. I didn't want to lose you… Even though I knew I would. It's probably the only time in my life where I could see the future and know just how it would end.
I called it. How it ended, what led up to it. Making love to you… Knowing that there would be no other time we would be “us.” It just didn't work out, baby. I can only shrug; scratch my head and put my hands in my pocket and say you were the best thing that's happened to me in my life up to this point. I was never happier or more content. I'll always, always look back fondly on our time together.
Yeah, sometimes it gets lonely without you to watch bad TV with; to share in my minuscule triumphs and heart gouging defeats. Because, you know, I get defeated a lot and stuff. It's still not any easier today than it was the day after I slept on the couch for the first time knowing that your bed had no place for me.
I try to fill my time with music and friends; they help. But sometimes I zone out. Images of us together flash through my head unrelenting memories. Mostly good, some less good. But we were good. I hope you look back fondly, too. I also hope I left you better off than when I met you. Because I am so much richer for having you in my life…. I can only hope you feel the same, because you deserve it.
Yeah, some of this comes from this guilt that I'm having a hard time getting over, too. I know that will go away in time. Listening to the pitter patter of rain drops dancing on the roof of my place has also made it more difficult to be alone… I remember just holding one another, quietly as the rain fell. Whether it was bad TV time or in the wee hours, when it woke us from our slumber… Fuck. I miss you so much sometimes… Like right now and there's not a goddamned thing I can do about it. But it's okay. Feelings ebb and feelings flow. I'm truly not sad or even mad. There's no reason to be. There's comfort in knowing that even though you're not here, you'll live in my heart again tomorrow.
I have no doubt one day we can be friends; true friends, but friends who will always “know” what's up with one another… I think we do take a piece of the other when we choose to love someone and it's something you always keep and I think that's why I can take this picture and finally do what needs doing.
I'm putting it away. For now. Good bye, love. For now, not forever.
S
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