Friends with Benefits…Without Intimacy?

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There are times in an adults life where a friends with benefits situation could be useful. I don't believe the concept is bad. However, when did having friends with benefits mean that there is no tenderness or intimacy? A person calls, makes an appointment, and the rendezvous is arranged. Does that mean that there is no civility, no respect, no intimacy?  It's just become a matter of wham bam…now get out. I have had three  experiences with this type of relationship.

The first was a mutually agreed relationship. Once a week, I would arrive at his house. We would talk, sometimes eat and laugh. There was always kissing and plenty of foreplay. We would be intimate several times and spend the night together. In the morning, he would walk me to my car and wanted a call or text once I arrived at home safely. It was a very good arrangement. He didn't want anything more because he was coming out of a divorce. I understood completely and I was coming out  of a two year relationship that ended badly. Our agreement ended when he decided that his needs weren't being met.

In the second, the issue of dating never really came up. We would make plans based on our various work schedules. Sometimes he would come over to my house and others I would go to his. Often when I was at his, he would fix me breakfast, we would watch television and we would spend the day in bed. It was a good level of friendship and intimacy all the way around. I admit that I did find myself wondering if we could become something more. He was getting over a bad divorce and getting back on his feet. We didn't end badly; it just sort of petered out.

In the third and final friends with benefits package, he was very clear up front that he could only be friends with benefits. I wasn't concerned because I didn't see him as a long term for my future.  However, I noticed that he was often abrupt, bossy, demanding and rude. He didn't show any of the friendliness that one expects with friends with benefits. There was no intimacy or closeness. It appeared that he was only concerned about his needs. I knew that he was coming through a bad divorce; he walked in on his wife in their bed with another man. It resulted with him being arrested. I understand that he isn't in the mood for another relationship, but does that mean that every other women must be treated poorly?

Sexual gratification is more that just having one's physical urges met. There is another level in having foreplay and conversation. If I just wanted my sexual needs met, I could use a dildo. But a dildo can't hold me, kiss my body, manage different positions, or laugh with me. When did the friends portion in friends with benefits get lost? I would wager that men need a little bit of the “friends” portion too. It can't be very satisfying to jack off all the time. The physical connection is necessary. I'm not saying that people want the constant talking or hassle of a regular relationship to impede, but shouldn't the two people at least be friends?

I found that I didn't like the third person very much and as a result the benefits were not as enjoyable. It ended before it really started, and I have no regrets. I can't just screw someone without at least liking them as a person. Left to a man, the enjoyment of the experience is lost and only the work is left. It would seem that men carry just as much emotional baggage as women do, even into the bedroom.

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I am a single woman with an empty nest living in Atlanta. I have a professional career that I thoroughly enjoy. I am reentering the dating pool with a bit of humor and great deal of trepidation.

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