7 Sexy Ways to Die With a Bang…

sexy ways to die

I've heard it said that 98% of people die at some point in their life. I may not be a math whiz, but I'll go ahead and just say that trust the math. In thinking about ways to die, I've assembled a few of my most preferred methods of death, some of which have been borrowed from some of my blogging colleagues.

facesitting Facesitting – Not to be confused with faceshitting, my lispy friends, this one is something borrowed from the beloved @tenacious_ken over at Lustmongers. His proclamation is that as long as he has a face, women will have a place to sit. It's true, the man is a giver and a god damned saint! If I were to meet my untimely end and had a choice of how it all ended, I would likely choose this method of death. I suspect that it goes back to childhood birth, or one to many porno rags where facesitting was something that just sort of happened on pages one through whatever… I'm just saying, you could do worse.

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Gina Carano Kicking a Dude's Ass Gina Carano – The last time I saw this lovely vixen, she was having her face reconfigured by the one dude, Christy Cyborg Santos. Twas a sad in this Urban Dater's world. Gina Carano's name should just be a verb. You don't know what's coming, but you know something is on the way. It doesn't matter if she kicks off your urethra, it doesn't matter if she chokes you out or rips off your arm and force-feeds it to you. The woman would look damn sexy doing it! And, really, if my life ends up as death-by-Gina-Carano, I think I could be okay with that.

 

Famke Janssen Crushes CocoThe leg scissors – The pic right there is of Famke Janssen, of James Bond and X-men fame, giving pre-beard Coco a workout that would make even the thigh-master shiver. This one, being a leg man, would be my preferred method of exit from this world. My girlfriend has recently put my leg rating scale to the test. She's gotten better at knowing what criteria I grade on. While my leg-grading criteria deserves a post all its own, I should let you know the following most important features I desire from a woman's legs: No canckles (sp?), No ultra-spider veins, good shape, could crack open a coconut with only the slightest bit of pressure.

 

Sex killsCoronary inducing sex – My brother over at Jack from Brooklyn has said before that think about alternatives to fighting with our enemies. In fact, he goes on to say: “We shouldn’t be bombing the fuck out of our enemies, we should be fucking the bomb out of them.” How true this is! We've all heard, at some point, of a story of an old crusty turd of a man who died from a heart attack induced from having sex with a women young enough to be his grand-daughter. In fact, I'm pretty sure I just predicted Hugh Hefner's Obituary right there.

 

lingerie football team sexDeath by Lingerie Football Team – Breast smothered to Valhalla by the chestiest member of the lingerie football league? Oh can I!!!? You're damned right I'm in! I don't know what the women in that pic to the left are doing and, honestly, I don't care. If it's death by tits, legs and ass I'm in there like swimwear. #TrueFax (thanks to @lildevilmama for that one)

 

 

Rachel Ray and Martha Stewart threesomeHaving Martha Stewart and Rachel Ray… At the same time! I know, I know! You're thinking “Alex, what the hell is wrong with you? Why would you even think of doing the nasty with Rachel Ray?” I would tell you to go get Gina Carano'd for all I care… They both cook, and I'm pretty sure Martha Stewart is a bit of a slut. Gosh golly I hope Martha is a slut. Of course, they'd have to cook for me and all that good stuff, feed me grapes. Yum. Don't judge me!

 
women feeding man grapesA woman  who will feed me grapes Simone Grant won't oblige me on this one, which makes me freaking sad, mad and sad! What's a guy gotta do to get a woman to feed him grapes, run her fingers through my hair and tell me that I am awesome at all that I survey? Seriously, no one wants to volunteer these services, save for my hated nemesis at the Suburban Dater.

 

 

So, guys and girls, if your preferred sexy way to die isn't listed above, what would it be? Go on, don't be afraid to share.

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3 Comments

  1. Are you sure about that 98 percent? That means my odds aren't so good, danggit! . I knew a guy who was writing a book about a sexy female assassin who killed all of her targets via the facesit and the occasional leg scissor. So, you're not alone.

    Death by Martha Stewart however, is just freaky. 🙂
    My recent post Dealing with Online Dating Liars

    1. You still didn't tell me which was your preferred method of exit from the world. Oh and if you know of where one can get this book, do tell! If you do, I'll send you the rare VHS copy of Lifetime's tale of a male who was beaten brutally by his wife for years and years.

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