After Your Streak of Countless Nights Screwing Around (pun intended), What Type of STD Test Taker Are You…Really?
a). The Goodie Two-Shoes: Your fear of doing anything “wrong” or “immoral” forces you to set an IPhone calendar reminder, red flag it on your Microsoft Outlook calendar, or scribble it on a post-it note to regularly schedule an STD Test. After you leave your appointment, you tend to have a little pep in your step,your nose is slightly turn up, and your smugness is almost tangible. Because you’ve always viewed yourself as morally superior to others, you berate others for not getting tested instead of encouraging them by giving them the name, number, and location of your go-to clinic. Forget offering to go with them next time, as long as you’re clean, that’s their problem. (You’ve only had sex once and that was 3 years ago).
b). The Hypochondriac: Your obsessive compulsive behavior like tendencies leave you no choice but to make a doctor’s appointment every other week to get tested. (It’s possible you could’ve had a false negative test result). More if you happen to frequent the bathroom more that week, start sneezing, or if that paper cut takes a little too long to heal. It doesn’t matter if your sexual partner kisses you, unzips your pants, or even hugs you for a second too long, there’s a chance you could have contracted an STD. In the rare occasion that you engage in casual sex, you have a 3 feet pole between you and your partner until they have strapped on a condom. STDs could be airborne. Better safe than sorry.
c). The Skeeze: You pride yourself on being able to sleep with whomever, whenever, wherever (you may want to wipe that smirk off your face) without ever thinking to use a condom. Pssh.. asking my booty call about the last time they got tested? Get the f**ck outta here. The funny thing is, you have the audacity to get mad if anyone dare ask you to use protection let alone ask if you’ve been tested. You have slept with so many people unprotected that you basically have lost count. You may be on the verge of being a walking STD, the truth hurts doesn’t it? Yet, you have never gotten tested. Ever. You can go miles in the bedroom, but a trip to the clinic remains uncharted territory. Don’t be fooled. What goes around, will come around. Literally.
d). The Narcissist: You’re a pleasure seeking drug addict that is always looking for your next sex high. You live for the euphoric feeling that an orgasm gives you and you’ll basically do anything to experience it. You don’t care about anyone’s health but your own and even though you may have tested positive for an STD and are in the midst of getting treated your druggie like habit will drive you to get your “pleasure fix” for the night. (Who cares if I don't have a condom, I'm tryna get it in.) As long as your “area” ain’t itching or burning anymore, you don’t think it’s your responsibility to mention to your partner that “hey, I’m being treated for the clap”. Of course, you would have the nerve to ask your partner to stay arms length away if you even suspected they had something.
e). The Dumbass: You have a tendency to believe anything and everything your sexual partner tells you. “It’s rare to get an STD”. Oh ok. “So, anal sex is the only way you can get an STD?” Yeah, you are probably right. “You don’t think we should get tested after we’ve have unprotected sex for the 5th time?” Great, saves me a trip. Basically, you also don’t think you should ever ask your partner about being tested let alone using a condom because you figured, Hey, they haven’t given me a reason to and I feel just fine. (Never mind, you’ve had burning sensation “down there” for the past 2 weeks, no worries, it’ll probably go away on its own).
f). The Team Playa*: While you have had more than your fair share of sexual escapades, you have enough self-preservation to use a condom and get regularly tested. You’ve sucked it up on more than one occasion and asked your lover if they’ve been tested and even suggested you take that trip to the clinic together. It is an absolute must with those who are looking kinda suspect. After all, if I don’t take some responsibility, why should my hook-up? Whether it be through innuendos, metaphors, or straight up gossip, you are comfortable talking to your friends about when and if you should be tested for an STD. You’ve mastered the art of turning the convo about STD signs and symptoms into quite an entertaining one. “Do me a favor will ya and pour me another glass of wine.” It almost always leads to exchanging sexual ploys and need-to-know deets. Your team player mentality makes you a damn good lover and a clean one at that. Bottoms up!
Being a “Team Playa” will minimize your risk of contracting or spreading an STD and may even afford you more sexual suitors. So, might I suggest that if you haven’t already, to start acting like one.
Alyssa Mompoint is a public health specialist and Best Friend of Beforewedo making the STD conversation more social and less awkward by encouraging real people to share true stories on sexual health. Beforewedo provides anonymous STD screening recommendations and automatically delivers routine At-Home STD Kits so you can manage your sexual health at home.