Leveling Up

The heart knows what the heart wants.  

As I recently leveled up yet another year, my views are changing. My body still craves intoxicating sex, but I am no longer seeking casual. Too many first meets that I have no interest in pursuing.

 One fucker that I can't seem to leave in the dust, no matter how hard I try. 

From a sneaky link to text-ationships, sex-tationships, fwb, and a situationship. When will I be the main dish? I'm not going to settle for the bare minimum. 

This year I have walked away from guys I no longer want to entertain, yet they don't get the hint. It's cuffing season.. ya not as erotic as it sounds, although I'd love to be cuffed to a bedpost about now…

How hard is it to achieve effort and consistency? 

I don't want it to be about just sex anymore. 

With so many options from these dating apps that I can't seem to commit to, you don't have to worry about being the only one but rather their favorite.

 I'm tired of hearing how amazing I am, yet I am still solo, especially with the holidays around the corner. Deleting and redownloading apps because I'm bored. As sad as that sounds.

This only brings pent-up sexual tension leaving behind the trail of men and this hook-up phase. 

I won't settle for less than I deserve.

I will be selective about who gets what from me.

Trust, honesty, communication, and commitment, with sexual chemistry so rare.

 Fuck the breadcrumbs and ghosting.

Fuck these indecisive men.

Fuck the ones who claim I'm amazing but yet don't see me as girlfriend material. 

Ok, to be fair, guys have asked me for more, to be more. However, I couldn't proceed and settle. 

Super sweet but has no edge… Not boyfriend material, whatever that looks like these days.

There are a couple I have become good friends with, sharing a different dynamic, who have made an effort, despite the distance, to remain in my life, knowing full well we will never date. (Mainly because of the distance, not because of lack of chemistry, as they still have hopes that one day we can) 

Maybe I'm the female version of a fuck boy?!

I have made booty call calls and made it clear that's all I wanted. Never allowing my softer side to shine. Fuck feelings. 

To that one fucker I can't seem to move on from, who makes with wet with the simplicity of his touch, who, for once, I didn't have to teach or navigate…You chose your path, took a chance on someone else, and ghosted and breadcrumbed, but that temptation still exists and would still play; why are we still swiping right? And why have we drifted further? 

As we still entertain the thought of hooking up.

He is my guilty pleasure.

The only man I can't seem to disengage with.

For the life of me, I can't explain…

But he didn't choose me, and I should be pissed.

He chose someone who, from the sounds of it, doesn't appreciate him or crave his touch. 

He settled, and for what? For the sake of being in a relationship? Why is he still on dating sites anyway? I have walked away from guys for less…

I have nothing to lose at this point, I am entitled to my opinion, and I own my shit. His presence calms me, and almost two years later, I still can't shake him. Honestly, being vulnerable right now shows how much I have grown, even at this stage of my life. It is what it is… I know what I have to offer; I know I have skills…

If I stop reaching out if I stop initiating, I will have to come to terms and allow myself to disconnect completely. If he wanted me in his life, he would never have taken a chance on someone else. That's a hard pill to swallow, but I deserve someone who chooses me without hesitation or doubt, someone who craves me. I wanted to believe we had a chapter or 2 more to write. Empty words, Show me, don't tell me… 

I carried on… Upping my kill count. Damn, my sexual needs… 

I am the whole package, a package that may have gotten a lil bit damaged during shipping and handling; I am the whole package that was delivered to the wrong address, sorta speak.

This Empty Nester Syndrome sucks.

Solitude is creeping in.

Want me in your life? Put me there.

Match my energy.

I'm not afraid to be single; I have been hyper-independent for my whole life. Only to be hurt by those I allowed in. So fuck that. 

That status won't change until all the boxes are checked off. 

I would much rather be single than not to be appreciated, to be with someone who doesn't care for my needs and makes me a better person. 

“I can't do this anymore” has been the line I have used for many; they crave me but don't reciprocate my needs. 

Ex's coming back… This tells me I was never the problem.

I may be rough around the edges and abrupt, but I know what I want, and I'm tired of initiating. To a couple of them complaining that I tired them out and that they couldn't keep up with my sexual needs.

What??? 

 I can't even wrap my head around this…

I'm feisty, sarcastic, and brassy, but I have a heart of gold and good intentions. I know what I like and want, and I am in touch with my needs. 

Besides, I am a Grandma now. 

Single is not a bad thing.

But the older I get, the more I want a healthy relationship, something I have never experienced in this lifetime.  I want that intoxicating sexual chemistry, effort, and consistency. I want someone to choose me!!! Whatever happened to playing for keeps? 

I met someone old school in a restaurant while I was out with a friend, exchanged actual numbers, and had an actual date. He keeps texting and calling to see me again, but there is so much going on right now that I don't have the time or energy, and I don't know how patient he will be; he is already rescheduled 4 x now… 

I put the boots to a booty call who had no concept of time, and 5:30 am texts were pissing me off.

Fuck, at a decent time, dude… I told him to fuck off.

Literally, he wasn't that great anyway, so there was no huge loss there. I'm not the girl you text in the wee hours of the night. I usually plan my sessions. 

That does sound horrible but whatever. As much as I truly want a relationship, maybe that's a pipe dream; right now, the roster is re-opened to new possibilities. And I'm just gonna meet people and take it naturally. In hopes that the next frog I fuck will turn into my prince ..lmao

I walked away from a thirteen-year friendship…

One of my best friends, who I considered family but is toxic. And I have to do what's best for me. So with that being said, in 2023, I'm not fucking around. 2022 made me a Grandparent, a love different from one of a parent; I leveled up.

So I like the motto fuck around and find out…

Because I am not putting up with less this year.

Abundance, here I come!!