The Good Goodbye
The sex was hot. I lapped my last lick and she was shaking and breathing heavily, I went in for one last lap, causing her whole body to jolt. Neither of us complained when she yanked me back up to cuddle.
I asked her what do you want this to be? She wore a smile and said this is fun, right? It was, she is; we were having fun, and I was eyes-wide-open on the arrangement.
I knew (we) weren't meant for the long haul. I made my peace with that. Your dad is like only five years older than me, I said. She chuckled; I don't really give a fuck lol! Her parents were young when they had her and we got on well, we had fun, but it felt temporary.
I finally worked up the nerve and told her how I felt. I said look, I like you and I have fun with you. You know where I sit on with kids, I'm vasectomied and all that. I went on to tell her that I wasn't sure about us. I told her I could see us dating, but I needed to be clear on what she wanted. I told her I wasn't trying to trap or guilt her into saying we should date. I wanted to let her know that it was safe for her to tell me what she was feeling—I tried to do that by modeling vulnerability myself and sharing my feelings with her first.
We talked for an hour, and it was a good discussion. While she thought I was also fun to spend time with (and enjoyed the sex), she thought we were always a temporary arrangement. It was a fair assessment on her part—she wasn't sure about giving up on having a family of her own and I totally understood.
Eventually, she came to the conclusion we shouldn't date anymore, and we had a rousing final round of fucking to send each other off into our respective sunsets.
It was about as polite of an ending to a relationship/situationship as I've had. While I was bummed, I felt oddly at peace with all of it.
When I took to dating again, I agreed with myself that I would be more vulnerable and would make my feelings and needs known. I'll say it. I'm proud of myself. While I haven't come out of this season of dating with a committed relationship, I've done things I've had a difficult time doing; I feel like I've engaged in healthier habits. It's a small win, and I'm celebrating it!
I'm taking yet another break from dating, though. While dating this time around has yielded a lot of positivity, along with the usual meh that is inherent with Online Dating (OLD), I'm able to detect how I feel about it, and my enthusiasm has diminished greatly.
This time around, I have a few things to ponder, some writing and reflection to do, and overall just sit with my feelings. I'm not sad; I'm not dejected, I'm not even frustrated—I'm content at the moment…
I guess I'll focus on my work and myself. What do I want? What do I wanna do? Where do I wanna go? Who do I get to be? Lots of unknowns, and for once, I'm not worried about it.
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