It's not me it's you.

It's not you, it's me... Uh huh, Suckaaaaa!

A couple of nights ago I went for a drink with some girlfriends. We are a fun bunch there’s no denying it. Intelligent, attractive and up for a laugh, I don’t mind saying it because it’s true. We are a catch. Of the 4 of us 2 were single and 2 had recently been dumped. Dumped, I say to you! What a nasty little word, discarded like a pair of ripped 15 deniers after a boozy night in Manchester town center, how very dare they. Fortunately for us these days it takes a little more than some prick getting cold feet to put us off our Sauvignon Blanc and after a 45 minute bitching session we spent the rest of the night flirting with poor bewildered Italian tourists in skinny jeans en route to have their pictures taken outside Amy Winehouse’s house. Nothing like a good dose of harassment to lift one’s spirits.

However the situation as it was did get me thinking about the techniques men use when it comes to calling time on relationships. Friend A. received the following after a 7-month relationship –

“Hiya, you are a beautiful, witty, fantastic person, you make me laugh constantly and of course the sex is amazing ; ) I have been totally blessed to have you in my life. Who’d have thought when we met that we would have the memories that we do now! But, I’m sorry and there’s no easy way to say it but I’m not the man for you. Somewhere out there is some lucky man who’s going to spend his life with you. Your are an amazing girl don’t ever forget it.”

WTF??

There is of course the polar opposite (take friend B) when the spineless prick in question makes no contact whatsoever, leaving one open mouthed and completely clueless as to the whys are wherefores (though from my experience there is almost always a 3rd party involved in situations such as this, break up with my girlfriend of 3 years, fuck around with someone else for a month, get back with girlfriend and totally wipe from memory and sim card time spent with other girl ) this is chilling enough but a text of this level of bullshit or this degree of utter patronizing claptrap?! It renders one speechless no?

So let’s get this straight she is beautiful, witty, fantastic, hilarious amazing and great shag….but not quite enough to warrant a relationship with the dumper. Man alive what’s this guy looking for? And to boot we have smiley faces, Happy Memories and lucky men thrown in. Spare us Mr Nice, you ain’t foolin’ no-one.

Note to all men, dumping a girl by turning your phone off and not answering calls will make your girlfriend get pissed and slag you off to her friends. Dumping your girlfriend by telling her how amazing she is will send her into a irreversible state of insanity, consumed by a fury which will only be calmed by the total destruction of your life, and ideally your slow and painful death.

Worst case scenario however is that she believes your flowery tripe. And let this in turn be a lesson for all women. A man doesn’t finish with you because you are wonderful, because you are fantastic in bed or your ‘too good for him’ (who the hell invented that pile of shit?) they finish with you because you’re too needy, you’ve put on a stone since they met you or they have started shagging the barmaid in the Crown and Goose.

It’s not you it’s them? Utter nonsense of course it’s you, he didn’t sign up for nights watching all star family fortunes and trips to the in-laws every other weekend, he wanted fun, great sex in the kitchen and wild nights drinking Sambuca with a hot chick wearing crotchless knickers – you were that girl once were you not.

Finally be warned, the ultimate P45, the mother of all bullshit lines – I’m just not ready for a relationship. Under no circumstances believe this codswallop. Men are ALWAYS ready for a relationship, contrary to popular believe men are in actual fact far more needy than women and from my experience will happily bounce from one girl to another in a matter of weeks. How many times have you seen a couple break up after a 4-year relationship only for him to have another poor fool up the duff within 6 months. The truth is it’s not that they are not ready for a relationship. They are just not ready for a relationship with you.

At no point should you waste your precious time pitying him for his inability to get close to anyone. I guarantee while you are blaming his relationship with his mother for his fear of intimacy he is shagging the girl from HR in the office loos at lunchtime or proposing to Janet from the running club 2 weeks after breaking up with you.

In conclusion, when a man dumps you, regardless of which pitiful ridiculous way he does it, it is not because you are too good for him it is because he just doesn’t really fancy you much anymore. My advice? – By all means feel free to send him 86 texts in 1 night, scream abuse outside his window and post a picture of his tiny penis on twitter. Being dignified won’t make him wish he’d never ended it it will make him breathe a sigh of relief that he got away so easily, so let your hair down girls, go crazy and enjoy the ride! Trust me it’s far more fun than family fortunes.