Who orders Pina Coladas at a bar called O'Malley's?

Darth Vader has altered your agreement! You WILL have a Pina Colada!

Do you recall the Piña Colada Song from the late 70’s?

It was actually titled Escape, but nobody ever remembers that, and was written by a guy named Rupert Holmes. It’s about a man who’s lost interest in his marriage and has gone looking in the newspaper personal ads for somebody new.

He has the gall to read those ads as he’s lying beside his wife in bed. What’s worse, he finds one to respond to – and the ad is all about the promise that a brand new relationship holds: tropical drinks and walks on the beach with the new love of his life who is, of course, better in every respect than the woman he’s lying next to.

And here’s the thing about that song that so fascinates me:

It makes cheating on your wife sound incredibly romantic.

Of course the fact that the woman Mr. Colada ends up meeting with IS his wife (she wrote the ad he responds to) does wrap things up nicely, but still, this guy was lookin’ to cheat.

So what does that say about me, or us, that we can listen to a song about cheating on a spouse and go out and buy so many copies that we turn it into a number one best seller? (Oh, and not once, but twice – it was #1 in 1979, dropped out of that slot, and then we sent in back to #1 again in 1980) does it mean we are in love with the thought of being unfaithful, or rather does it mean that we are so enamored of the idea of being truly, deliriously happy that we’re willing to break a few rules to get there.

You know why I like online dating? For the same reason I probably would have liked the newspaper personals – because they are both still just dating. Online dating is nothing fancy, nor, really, is it anything
particularly new.

Now I honestly don’t remember if the newspaper personal ads had any sort of stigma attached to them (DWM ISO LTR anyone?) as I never used them – but I suspect they probably did, much like online dating still has some mild stigma attached to it (and if you doubt this just count the number of people who, when they tell you they met at a coffee shop, fail to mention the meeting was arranged via email) but then along comes a quirky little song with a forgettable title and all of a sudden searching for love in the daily newspaper is touching and romantic.

So maybe what online dating needs is a sappy little love song written about it? Perhaps the guy is at work, sitting in front of his computer screen and day dreaming about that perfect girl – you know, the one who loves the way he never cleans up after himself and doesn’t mind that his dog sometimes pees in the shower. And maybe there’s a girl out there who has posted a profile looking for an active, outdoorsy type – the opposite of the couch dweller she’s seeing now – and our protagonist at his desk is sure that describes him, or would if he could just find that girl who’d motivate him to go outside once in a while.

And maybe they trade a couple of awkward emails and then talk on the phone, which doesn’t go so well (he keeps forgetting her name) but at least they don’t scare each other off. And then maybe, just maybe, they meet up and something clicks. The conversation starts slow and haltingly, but then after a few minutes they’re smiling and laughing and simply cannot stop looking into each other’s eyes.

They don’t want the date to end, but it’s 10 already (when did that happen?!) and the place is closing so they have to leave – besides, they both have to be at work in the morning. But before driving off they stand at her car and keep smiling and looking and smiling. Finally he says he has to go (remember the dog?) but asks if he can see her again – and soon. She wants to play hard to get but she’s been hoping so hard for the last hour that he’d ask her the “Yes, of course!” leaps off her lips.

Before they know it they’re on date number five, then ten, and then they’re not even keeping track anymore – they are just enjoying life and enjoying each other. They’ve met the families – they’ve done Thanksgiving and Christmas at his place, and Hanukkah at hers, and now they are starting to look for a house big enough for both of them – and the dog she now loves.

You know why I like online dating? For the same reason I probably would have liked the newspaper personals – because they are both still just dating. Online dating is nothing fancy, nor, really, is it anything particularly new. It’s just another form of something we’ve been doing for ages: looking for that person who makes us happy and whom we make happy.

I think it really is just that simple. And while the thought of finding that someone can be a bit of an escape, and is certainly easier said than done, the fact remains that it can be done, and is done all the time.

Alright, that’s enough for today’s column – all of a sudden I’m thirsty for a… beer.