It all began with a cheerful call: “Son, I've just signed up for that e-dating site, E-Harmony,” my mom said with over bearing enthusiasm. Good for her! I was actually very happy for her to get on the online dating bandwagon I'd been so fondly a member of. You see, my mom had just gotten out of a four year relationship with a guy that she's dated since I was an asshole kid with an afro and a penchant for sucking at life. Don't understand the time line, huh? Well join the f#cking club, ya jerk! That's how I felt every time there was a temporal rift in Star Trek the Next Generation! Break ups do interesting things to people... That said, number one, make it so!
Sorry peeps, I kind of like to drop a tNG reference every now and again.
Anyway, my mom; she was hell bent on getting over her break up by getting under someone else. I asked her if she thought she was moving too quickly; “No, no, son. I'm your mother and I know what I want!” It was confident and firm, so I did like a good boy ought to and kept my mouth shut. Now, my mom is of limited means and so I know it's something of a big deal for her to be shelling out for eHarmony's dating service, which ain't cheap. So I was a bit concerned with her throwing her money and caution to the wind. Though, I've always been a proponent of being aggressive and I can definitely see where I get it from!
Fast forward a week and my mom calls me to go over how she should write up her profile. I'm no online dating expert, but I've managed to get a lot of miles off Plenty of Fish, MySpace (don't laugh, damn you!) and a variety of other non-paying sites. So I have a few things in mind in terms of what will and what won't get me laid. Of course, being a guy, my default reaction here is that anyone just getting out of a multi year relationship just needs to get laid… Yeah, not so much with me beloved mum.
Her goal was to meet a good man and find a solid relationship. The problem, I observed, was that she hadn't really grieved over the relationship she just got out of. I've been there. In my quest to always “push the action” I've burned a few bridges all so that I would never have to wonder “what if.” I'm not sure that will make a lot of sense to you. All I know is that, sometimes, you can't go over or around certain walls. Sometimes you literally have to dig your way through them.
Fast forwarding another week, my mom is broken hearted and lonely. This is not a “I told you so” kind of thing; it's simply part of “the process.” It's a process that men and women go through; maybe more so with women. After getting out of a relationship, there's a certain bravado that makes us want to push through the adversity, rather than deal with it and give it the time it deserves. That leads one to make rash decisions, all the while avoiding the real issues at hand. Finally, we break, we ask questions, we doubt ourselves and there we are, broken and alone… Indefinitely.
It's hard finding hope when your love life crashes around us; we lose a piece of our identity. A relationship is an entity, much like a Klingon… You have to feed it, respect it, allow it to be what it is and watch it grow; and sometimes you must duel with it, with your amazing and awesome bat'leth!
This post really doesn't have much of a point, I suppose. If there was one, I'd say it's hope. Given time hope guides us in some way or other… However, for that to happen, we have to heal ourselves; we need time to grieve what was lost and adjust to what is new. Make friends with your loneliness people, it gets better; much better.