From Serial Dater to Long-Term Lover
The dating game is so much fun… at first. It’s great to meet new people, get dressed up, try out a new restaurant. But for me, the dating game eventually ran its course and my heart told me I was ready for something more stable, more consistent, more long-term. The problem, of course, is that the “tools” I'd been using to swipe left or right when I was dating were entirely different from those that I needed to use to select a long-term partner. So, if you’re sitting on the fence and you’re considering trading in Tinder for True Love you don't want to miss these three tips!
- Level Up Your Mindest
This is, I think, the most important piece of switching out of dating mode and into long-term relationship mode. This is the shift from, like, casually exploring the dating scene, as in, “Oh, they are cute, maybe I’ll go out on a date with them and see what happens,” to the decision that you are selecting a partner. My good friend, Sandy, always says, start to think of it like shoe shopping, you don’t mess around with the shoes you don’t like. This mindset can work wonders for anyone, but it requires knowing and honoring the fact that you’re the baddest bitch in the game. And that you’re online to select a partner. - Get Ruthless
Let’s agree that you’re done playing small. There is not space for “giving someone the benefit of the doubt” or “just going on one date to see if you like his personality.” At this stage, you must be attracted to anyone you are going to go out with. Your time is valuable and you don’t want to waste it going on dates with people that you are only, kind-of, attracted to, or someone who might have a good personality. Own this. When you are selecting a long-term partner, it is vital that you be attracted to them. When you are ruthless, you also know that you are allowed to change your mind at any time. If you go on a couple of dates with someone (who you’re attracted to) and you don’t feel the spark, it’s fine. Change your mind. Let them go, and select someone new. - Make an Ideals List and a Deal-Breakers List
You want to make both of these lists before you being swiping right to select a partner. And then you can use them as benchmarks for your selection.
The ideals list is a list of the deep values that you hold and that you’re looking for in a partner. For example; has a great relationship with their mom, has financial stability, extrovert, etc. The things on the ideals list may take some time for you to discover. It’s unlikely that you’re really going to know what his relationship with his mom is like on the first date, right? But, as you get to know one another you are gathering information to see whether or not your partner holds these values.
The Deal-Breakers list contains behaviors that are a little easier to spot, these are generally things that you can identify from someone’s profile or within the first few dates. For example, these might be deal-breakers for some people; smoker, workaholic, loves 420, etc.
Having made both of these lists prior to your search for a partner is important. I think we all know how easy it is to falter on the things we value when we’re sitting across from some hottie who checks some, but not all of the boxes. Girl. You deserve someone who checks all of the boxes. And, when you’re ready to seriously start looking for them, you’ll find them. I guarantee it.
Heidi is a speaker, author and relationship expert. She works with people to identify and change painful patterns in their relationships. You can find her at www.heidibcoaching.com Her first book, Relationship Ready: How I Stopped Fucking Randos and Started Cupcaking My Soul Mate is now available here on Amazon.
Her first book, Relationship Ready: How I Stopped Fucking Randos and Started Cupcaking My Soul Mate is now available here on Amazon.
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