Myth of the Friend-Zone

friend zone myth

Admittedly, when I was younger, I used to say that I got “friend-zoned” a lot. However, let's recap and consult the Urban Dictionary and what they define as the “friend zone.”

friend zone myth
Courtesy of the Urban Dictionary

This is how I would “explain away” my romantic “failings.” A few of my male friends always remarked at how I ended up getting “friend-zoned” by women I was interested in. Yes, I had a habit, or a knack, for pursuing women who, simply put, just weren't that in to me.

Dating isn't a game where you put something in, with the hopes of getting something out.

I would stay these women who “friend-zoned” me in hopes that they would “come to their senses.” I realized that this was stupid and misguided.


I'm not sure when it was that I realized I had it wrong the whole time and that I was a complete fucking asshole.

Spending a lot of money on someone doesn't mean that they owe you anything. Don't go into a date thinking that spending something is equal to getting something out of it. Also, don't be a cheap bastard. “What kind of contradictory booger-eating bullshit is that?” I hear you asking.

If you're a decent person, you'll put in the effort, dress-up and pick out a good, interesting, spot to meet your date. It's called effort, because it takes time to plan; research to find a good spot that your date will feel comfortable at, and it will take some money to pay for the date.

I will say that, even in 2015, men are expected to pay for the date still. I think this is bullshit, personally. I think it's reasonable to go “halfsies.” I also think it's reasonable to ask for help. It's not un-gentlemanly to do so, in my opinion. Fuck gender norms! However, until the day comes where society backs off that men shall pay for the first date, you're going to have to pony up that cash. Just remember, just because you pay for the date it doesn't entitle you to anything more.

You've entered the friend zone. Now what?

Listen up, brochachos and brochachas! If you are into someone; if you have serious feelings for them, guess what? That's not a friendship. That person IS NOT your fucking friend! That person is an object, an object of your desire. I know, that's a hard truth to swallow. While you may not be the progressive-minded type that objectifies people, I'm sorry to tell you this but you're objectifying that person you've been “friend-zoned” by.

You will never be a true friend to that person anymore than that person can be a true friend to you. Whether you like it or not you will always desire something from them; they will continuously disappoint you because they don't pay you the attention you crave; they don't make you a priority in their life and, frankly, they don't think about you when you're not around. Ouch! Harsh truths are coming left and right here, peeps!

If you are that person that's getting friend-zoned and you haven't made your feelings known, it's your own fucking fault. If you have feelings, speak up! You might risk a friendship, but you'll grow out of it. If you lose a “friendship” it's not the worst thing in the world. Trust me. Be strong.

It wasn't until I had really owned up to my feelings and began telling women how I felt that things started to turn-around for me. What I mean is that I started to feel less anxious because I was putting my feelings out there. In just about every situation with a woman who “friend-zoned” me I lost that friendship. Yes, it was hard and at the time it sucked. I felt shitty, rejection is hard. However, this began to clear my life up from distractions and left me free to date more and meet other women who were actually into me. Crazy, right?

The friend zone is a fucking myth. It's a thing we make up to help us cope with our feelings of anxiety and is a tool to help us avoid rejection and from having to have the hard conversation.  The notion of the friend zone enables the culture of kindness for favors. It's not fucking healthy!

Author Profile

Alex is the founder and managing editor at the Urban Dater. Alex also runs: DigiSavvy, for which he is the co-founder and Principal. Alex has a lot on his mind. Will he ever get it right? If he does, he'll be sure to write.

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