Why Being a “Nice Guy” Doesn’t Count for Shit

I have heard it all before about the “nice guy.” Shit, I've been described as a “nice guy.” It's a description that makes my skin crawl. I mean, sure, there's nothing wrong with actually being nice. Being a decent human being is something that, I feel, is a worthy pursuit. Respecting your fellow human being in their struggles, successes, and failures; all that good bullshit. It's great. Thanks go out to everyone who has ever described me as a “nice guy.” I don't actually think I'm nice, but that's okay. You can still go fuck yourself, thanks. Let's suppose I am an actual nice mother fucking guy. What does that actually mean for me? What does that mean for my fellow-man who is also a “nice guy?”

If you're the kind of person who finishes last when fucking your favorite lover, fbf, or what not, then good on you. You're a nice person! If you open doors for the elderly; for your date; or you go out of your way to do the right thing, and observe other commonly known decorum that's great, too! Good on you. You get a cookie and a high-five! And just maybe you get a “thanks” for not being a shit bag.

Let's get to my initial question: What do you get for actually being a “nice guy?”


You're a stand-up human being; a decent guy who doesn't do shitty things to his fellow human being. Basically, you're just being a decent person. Guess what? There's no reward for that. That's sort of what the world expects of you. The reward you get is that people don't want to run the other way when they see you. The reward you get is that people want to spend time with you and maybe, just maybe you get invited to social events and possibly other folks say nice things about you when you're not around. That doesn't sound all that amazing, does it? I happen to think that's pretty rad. That's just me.

You see, the world doesn't owe you a damn thing, skippy.

How does this translate into dating? I mean, this is the Urban fucking Dater. Amirite?

Being nice isn't a “hallway pass to the pussy… or to the cock.”

You should be who you are. If who you are is a generally nice person, then you just are who you are. That's great. However, there seems to be this mindset that if you're nice, the world owes you something; that men and women should drop trou, or perform favors, because of how nice you are. I've heard from friends and also stories of men who seem to take offense when they're passed up, like, just because they are “nice” that they should get a chance. That's bullshit. There's a lot of reasons to not date someone and being nice isn't something that should be a “criteria.” Now, let me be clear, there's a difference between being a decent human being and playing the “nice guy” card.

When did being “nice” to someone mean that the recipient of that kindness owes anything. That's a bad, bad precedent that has been set in our society. For some, being nice to a woman means that there's an expectation they pay that kindness back in some way or by some favor. That's not how kindness works! If you're going to be kind or helpful to someone else then it ought to be because that's how we're wired; it's what we do just because it's what we do. If you do nice things with the idea you'll get something nice back from those whom you're nice to that's shitty and disingenuous. Fuck you. Now, I know what you're thinking: “What a pretentious fucking guy, thinking he's better than everyone else.” Well, I'm sorry; I guess I think that genuine kindness is the sort of thing that should come without strings attached. That's all.

Women don't want a nice guy; they want the bad-boys.

What does that fucking mean? Look, I wasn't born yesterday, nor did I fall off the turnip truck recently. Yes, I'm a simple-minded fuck of a man. But let me put this out there: Yes, there are people who sometimes go for someone who possesses characteristics that can be considered “toxic.” That's just human nature for some folks. But that's not what I'm talking about. Our society has created the myth of the “bad boy” being chased by the “good girl;” this is just something dreamed up by those in our society to sell an ideal. A bad boy is not a player; a so-called “bad boy” is someone who may hold beliefs or have interests contrary to what is deemed “popular.”

While I would never pretend to know what women actually want, I am going to make some assumptions here. People are drawn to mother fuckers who have passion and have their shit together; who are fun to be around, and they like people who are confident. Sure, if you're a “nice guy” on top of that then that's a good thing. If a woman doesn't want to be with you I'm going to tell you that it's not because you're a “nice guy” or that you are “too nice.” I mean, too much of anything is fucking annoying. What I'm getting at is if you are “too nice” what the fuck is going on with you in the first place? There's no reason to over do it when it comes to being nice. I'm not a therapist, but if you feel the need to be “to nice” then I think something is wrong there and some insecurity is being veiled with kindness. Booo! Don't be that person.

What is a “bad boy” anyway? Really. Who are they? I'd like to know. Is it the chain-smoking mouth breather, hanging out in front of the local liquor shop? Is it the tattooed, slick-haired, scraggly fellow with the sick chopper at the local biker bar? Is it the anti-establishment fella protesting shit and things and giving a middle finger to the right-wing establishment? I don't know. But all of those guys sound fucking rad to me.

Be you. Be authentically you, as much as you can be. If you're not into certain things, don't be into them because you want to be “nice.” Don't back away from shit that's important to you, especially if the “good girl” you're into shits all over it. Have an opinion and don't be afraid to defend it because you're afraid of not being “nice.” These are traits of decent human beings and, yeah, could be applied to the “nice guy.”

Don't be nice just because it's “nice.”

I think you see the pattern here. Just be who you are and I'm hoping that who you are is a decent fucking person. If you're not nice; if you're an asshole, then by all means be an asshole. Don't live a lie, don't be nice because that's “what you should do.”

Being nice for the sake of being nice is one of the biggest lies we can perpetuate. It's not good. I feel as though that those who are nice “just because” don't necessarily have a strong sense of self. Of course this is just my opinion and backed by absolutely no research of any kind.

In short, if you're nice, it's not something you have to say that you are; you just are nice. End of story.

The culture of giving kindness with the expectation that one gets something in return needs to end. Be a decent and secure human being; learn to take rejection in stride. The world doesn't owe you shit and neither does that woman you were nice to. Being nice to a woman should come with no strings, people.

Be a decent human being; treat others with respect and as your equal and don't expect anything in return for it.

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Alex is the founder and managing editor at the Urban Dater. Alex also runs: DigiSavvy, for which he is the co-founder and Principal. Alex has a lot on his mind. Will he ever get it right? If he does, he'll be sure to write.

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