I’m a big believer of using Twitter to spot trends, so recently, I thought it would be cool to type in “friendzone” in the search bar to see how many results show up. Yes, I was expecting a lot of teenage angst, but the sheer number of search results that popped up was surprising, to say the least. About ten to twenty tweets with the term “friendzone” populated my timeline every minute. Clearly, this is a common issue and it affects both guys and girls.
But guys are affected with much greater frequency. Not only that, but guys who end up in the friend-zone seem to be the ones who always end up in the friend-zone. I’ve personally been there before, and it’s frustrating.
There’s a lot of reasons why some guys get friend-zoned over and over again. I’ll share two of the core mistakes I’ve made in the past – these mistakes are probably the ones that you are also making.
WE’RE TOO INVESTED IN HER
If we fall victim to the friend-zone, then this is probably why: we’re always more invested in the girl than the girl is in us.
Please note that I’m NOT saying that we shouldn’t be investing our time and energy in someone we truly care about. But healthy relationships are a two-way street, and investment of time and energy should be balanced on both sides. Not only should both sides give, but both sides should also receive what they want.
When we are in the friend-zoned, we are NOT getting what we want. Why? Well, because we’re too available. We’re a phone call away, and we’re willing to rearrange our work and social life at her whim. We’re there to listen to her complain about all of her guy troubles, and we comfort her afterwards. Sometimes, we’re that guy who takes her out to dinner, and end up paying for her! Sound familiar?
When we find ourselves constantly being friend-zoned, we’ve not only over-invested time-wise, but we’ve also over-invested emotionally. She’s the only girl on our minds, and we constantly stress over whether or not she likes us. To complicate matters, the girl may playfully say something like, “I wish every guy was like you!” And then we’re left scratching our heads, wondering why she would say that, yet she doesn’t want to date us.
The fact is that most girls like a challenge. Psychologically, people desire something (or someone) more when it’s takes more effort to obtain. You know the old adage, we all want something we can’t have. If we are too available, and too helpful, then the girl will think that it was too easy to “get” us – she didn’t have to compete for us.
WE WAITED TOO LONG TO MAKE A MOVE
One of the things I wished I knew growing up is that attraction has an expiration date. If we don’t make a move fast enough, she will be led to believe that
1) we are not attracted to her, or that
2) we ARE attracted to her, but we are too chicken to make a move
Neither scenarios are ideal. If we continue to wait and wait, chances are she’ll write us off completely.
It’s arguable that, in this sense, we’ve put ourselves in the friend-zone. D’oh. This happens when we try to become “friends” with a girl we’re afraid will reject us outright if we make a move. Unfortunately, that almost never works in our favor. If we’re not making our intentions clear from the beginning, then we run the risk of being friend-zoned. But if we do make your intentions clear, it’s basically impossible to be friend-zoned.
That means asking her out on a date, initiating light touch and not waiting too long to kiss her. If she rejects our advances, then at least we’ll have 100% clarity. That means we don’t spend hours agonizing over whether or not she likes us. We won’t waste hours scheming how to get out. And we won’t eventually realize that she does NOT want us to leave the friend-zone. Ever.
Many guys think that they’ve been friend-zoned because they did something (wrong), but often times, it’s because they didn’t do something. They failed to take action soon enough. Does it takes balls to take action? Absolutely, but this is something that is within our power. Just keep in mind that guys who get friend-zoned are the ones who “played it safe.” You must strike when the iron is hot.
Simply put, getting put in the friend-zone sucks. It’s an uphill – and sometimes impossible – battle to escape. Think about it this way: even if a girl does start to develop feelings for a guy she’s put in the friend-zone, she might not want to jeopardize the friendship. Women are risk averse when it comes to relationships. A good friend is often too valued to lose over something as trivial as sex. It’s smarter to avoid the friend-zone altogether. It’s as simple as not being too invested in a girl who doesn’t reciprocate, and not waiting too long to make a move.
Good luck, boss.
Will Legend is a dating and seduction columnist. He is also the founder of DecodeHer. Check out this free video where he interviews a woman about her perspective on the friendzone, including tactics on how to get out. (https://decodeher.com/free_video)