Ask the Urban Dater: The Neighbor John Syndrome

Neighbor John is less pimp than Neighbor Larry. Look upon Larry's majestic locks and that stare.

It's time, once again for an edition of “Ask the Urban Dater.” Today, fortunately, we don't have to deal with a question about why a guy is fascinated with girl and girl midget fireman hentai porn. This is a very good thing and I'm so very relieved that we can skirt that type of question. Today's question is brought to us by the lovely Buffy, the Urethra Slayer.  That said, let's get to the nitty gritty and get down to business with Buffy. Cover your urethra, gentlemen.
Buffy, the Urethra Slayer

So, I'll never be Mrs. Neighbor John and I'm “okay” with it. That's how the story goes anyway. I live on the third floor and Neighbor John on the second floor, for the last three years. Well, we had a “thing.” Okay, okay I pretty much pleasured him. I got something out of it, too! He's funny and I loved the banter; the spooning was the best. He would throw ice cubes off his patio to get my attention while I was laying poolside. The sexting messages were steamy; I frequently did the walk of shame in the middle of the night wearing nothing more than an overcoat (there are other neighbors; it's a condo). Things between us ended badly… He was still involved with a long distance girlfriend it turns out; and to add insult to injury he found a LARGER woman! Even more interesting was that I would see her car parked in his spot!! That bugged the crap out of me. Well, it's been a year and we both still live here; sure I have seen other men. Hell I was seeing other men even while I was “pleasuring” Neighbor John! However, I can't help but to feel irritated.

HELP! How do I get past this feeling, short of moving!

Oh, Buffy! I know just how you feel!! I can sympathize with being irritated by a man you're pleasuring! Hmm. Actually, that's not true at all because if it were true (which, as I've already told you, is not at all true!) my girlfriend would perform Baraka's Fatality move, from Mortal Kombat. Moving on…

So here's what I'm getting from you, Buffy. You had a fling with this guy; you used him and he used you. You treated each other like pieces of meat and tore at each other like starving carnivores over a single piece of game. That's what this boils down to.

What's interesting here is that what you're feeling is something that I talked about with Single Much and Single City guy, in NYC, a couple weekends ago. You see, Single Much bumped into her exe's ex girlfriend at the bar that we were all hanging out at. I told her that the girl at the bar wasn't as cute as her, which is true. Single Much felt better, her ego was boosted. Why? Subconsciously we need validation; we want to know that we're a damn good catch and likely better than the next tramp our ex scoops out of the gutter. Not to say that Neighbor John scooped you out of the gutter, obviously. 😉

Translation: Neighbor John took a dump on your ego. He was giving his attention to some other woman that you felt “didn't measure up.”

You see, Neighbor John seemingly chose a less appealing woman than you. In your mind you might be asking yourself, “What the f*ck does that tubby lady have that I don't?” Who knows. It's possible this heroic lady was a superior “lay,” maybe she gives better head than you.  Does it really matter, though? We both know it doesn't matter at all. Right?

So what can you do about this and get over the “hump,” so to speak? There's a couple of ideas of what you can do. The first idea is from my niece: “I would take a bag of dog shit and light it on fire on that dude's patio.” That's kinda why I love my niece so much. She's an asshole, like her Uncle!  My advice would be to confront the situation head on and actually invite the two over for dinner or out for drinks. Be friendly and engage them and be “first.” My best friend's step dad once told me that when confronted by a situation of great awkwardness, such as seeing an ex you'd rather not see, you should approach the situation first. That is, say “hello” to the object of your discomfort. Meet them head on and engage them; show them that you're confident and you don't give a damn about what they're doing with or to each other.

Of course you could either find a random dude from the bar (or hire a male escort) and screw the guy's brains out in a place where Neighbor John will see you, that way you'll know that HE knows you're getting your boat rocked better than he ever could.