Deciphering Our Douche Bag Card.
I was having lunch with a good friend of mine the other day and we were talking about relationships (what a surprise, right?) and we got to the topic of an area that they consistently have disagreements on: Having people over and hosting a party. My friend, she likes a good party and loves having her friends over; her guy, on the other hand, isn't really comfortable with her set of friends, so he doesn't really make an effort to throw a party and hems and haws about it. He's pulling the “douche bag card.” My friend doesn't feel appreciated because of his behavior. Is her boyfriend being a non participating jerk, driven to thwart her party planning ways, or is it something else? It's a good question to ask. I don't think my friend, Alissa's boyfriend, is crying the blues about her wanting to throw a party because he doesn't love and appreciate her. I really don't. He may in fact be wary of her friends. That's normal. What makes me say this is something else that she told me. You see, when Alissa was breaking down how her boyfriend doesn't like hanging out with her friends she really was talking about all the times that he does go out with her and her friends. The guy is actually going out with Alissa and her friends. Yet, every time, he makes a big stink about the whole thing. Obviously, he does this because he doesn't want to be hanging out with her friends. However, there's something else to note here: Alissa's boyfriend really does love and appreciate her. His way of showing this is through his willingness, grudging willingness at that, to go out anyway. When he's complaining and throwing a fit about it all, the initial thought is to think “oh great, now my boyfriend is making me feel like an asshole because I made him come out with me and the girls.” What I think we're really seeing is that the boyfriend is showing that he does love and appreciate Alissa, his way of showing it is through his disdain of the situation.
That's how we men work, maybe not all of us, but, in general, if we're doing something that we don't like, because you asked us to and we're just pissed and crying about it all, just know that we're still doing what you asked us to do and our love and appreciation is wrapped up in that thorny little wrapper of complaint, piss and vinegar.
I'd go so far as to say that if your man is doing things for you that he's not really into and they bother him, yet he doesn't complain, I think that he either has no backbone or maybe he just doesn't care as much and he's ultimately trying to get something from you, like some “heavy petting” later. That's just my opinion, though.
So the next time, ladies, you ask your guy to do something and he's breathing fire and brimstone about it, remember, he's still doing what you needed and not because he's doing it for himself, he's doing it for you. So you better go do something for him.
Until next time, ladies, piss your man off… A lot.
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I have to disagree here. Wouldn't guys complain if their girl bitched about every time they wanted to "watch the game" or "go out with his friends"? yes they would and do. If a girl bitches about it enough, they find themselves dumped.
A guy with love and a backbone, would of course try to get out of it, but once resigned to it would do his best to make it the best time his girl has ever seen.
From what you've said of this guy, he's not going cuz he cares so much. Not really. He's trying to change her and make her choose between her friends and him by making her uncomfortable. A man with a real backbone won't hem and haw. He's being passive aggressive and making it harder for her to have a good time in hopes that she'll stop wanting to do those things. It really isn't fun for anyone to enjoy an event if they know their partner is resenting it.
I'd recommend that if having him socialize with her friends is a big part of what she really wants in a man.. for her to go find a man who actually likes to do that and is willing to work with her. At the very least, she needs to sit down with this guy and ask him how to make those occasions more fun for him so he's not emotionally sabotaging her enjoyment and planning of them.
Oh Ms. Morena. I'm glad you disagree. Most of the people I've talked to about this have disagreed with me.
First off Alissa needs to talk to her guy and figure out what he needs in order to make this more fun for the both of them. However, I suspect that things will go badly with that convo. That said, is the guy being passive aggressive or is he merely "wearing his heart on his sleeve?" Are they one and the same? No, of course not.
I don't think that there's anything wrong with stating or showing discontent with a situation. Sure, the guy can put a smiley face on, how ever fake it may be, but it's not genuine. I do believe that if your guy is doing something for you, that he doesn't like, and is pissy about it that he really is being genuine and that's something that should be appreciated.
In other words, "Kiss my grits, Flo! I ain't movin' yer crap for ya."