Don’t Let Your Dating Services Change Who You Are

are you an architect of change

I was dating a guy I met through a dating service who had a problem with the fact that I got moody from time to time.  Yes, I admit it.  I get moody sometimes when I find life overwhelming.  I get scared or lonely or anxious.  It usually passes quickly—nothing major whatsoever. And when we first started dating, I told him about this tendency and he opened himself up to me and told me I could count on him whenever I hit a rough patch.  It was nice to know he was there for me—in my corner.  And as time went by, my moods became less and less as I was able to relieve the tension on my own.

And then, my dating services guy tells me that he doesn’t want to see me anymore.  Just like that. This statement seemed to come out of nowhere.  And as far as I knew, everything between us had been fine up until that point.  So we talked, and I asked him why, because I thought we were doing great.  He told me he couldn’t take all my negativity.  I was stunned.  I felt like I had come so far and was much less negative than I used to be.  I asked him to be specific.  And he started bringing up instances that had happened months before.  I asked him why he didn’t say anything about it them at the time.  No answer.  I asked him if he thought there had been vast improvement in recent months.  No answer.  I asked him why he was holding all this against me.

It's not you, it's me

He responded by saying that he didn’t think he was the guy for me.  He didn’t think he could give me what I needed and deserved.  It seemed like such a pat answer, I thought he found it online or got it from one of his buddies.  After a long discussion, we decided not to fully let go of the relationship and work on some issues.  But interestingly enough, I found him to be extremely negative a lot of the time, and he agreed that he could be negative on occasion.  But the issue, it seems, was my negativity.  I guess he was allowed to be a pessimist.

So we moved forward into this new phase of our relationship, but now it felt like I was walking on eggshells.  I was hyper-aware of any statement or comment I made that might have the slightest tinge of negativity.  I couldn’t complain about the stupid grocery clerk or the guy who cut me off on the freeway.  Meanwhile, he’s spouting and complaining about work, about friends, about his parents.  I remained silent.  I didn’t even want to say anything about the mosquito bites I had recently acquired.  The itching was driving me crazy, but I kept my mouth shut. After all, it might upset him.  He said I was free to talk to him about anything and he didn’t want to change me, but I think he did.  I think he wanted to turn me into his perfect Stepford girlfriend.

And this is when I realized that we weren’t going to make it as a couple.  He wanted me to be happy and optimistic whenever we were together.  He didn’t want to see the ugly side of my life—he just wanted to have fun.  That is obviously impossible.  Life gets ugly sometimes; it gets complicated, dirty, whiney, and full of crap.  If you’re dating someone who doesn’t want to be there for you when things get hectic or stressful, then you really need to reconsider whether or not it’s worth it to be with this person at all.  I wanted to be with someone through thick or thin.  It’s not always easy to do, but if it’s the right person, you get through the hard times together.

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Debbie Lamedman is an avid dating blogger. Her work has been featured on both Christian and Dating She is highly sought after by friends and bloggers for relationship advice.

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  1. Well, the title is somewhat misleading. Don’t let _anyone_ change you, regardless of dating services or not 🙂

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