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No Chemistry? Get Out of Your Own Way

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“We didn't click.”

“There weren't any sparks.”

“We didn't have chemistry.”

As a dating coach, I talk with my clients about chemistry a lot. Especially with my female clients. For many women, chemistry is a pretty black-and-white deal. They either have it with their dates or they don’t. And some say they know if it’s there before they've even ordered a drink.

I don’t know about you, but I just don’t buy this.

My female clients aren't lying. Chemistry can be immediate. But if chemistry is always magical and instant, we could never create it or impact it. That’s what I don’t buy. My clients really don’t feel instant chemistry with most of their dates. But does that mean they can never develop chemistry with that person? Or, if the date had gone a little differently, would they have clicked?

There will always be women you won’t connect with no matter what you do, and that sucks. The good news is, you can increase your odds of connecting with your dates. No magic required. The key is not to prevent chemistry from developing in the first place. In other words, get out of your own way.

Your intentions, words and actions may be preventing your dates from connecting with you:

Oenologists analysing a wine

You really, really want her to like you. Well, obviously. The problem is the really, really part. You’re so concerned with what your date thinks of you, you purposely put out an image you think will appeal to her. You may embellish your stories or tell a bunch of jokes. Or you might bring money or possessions into the conversation, or name drop your most influential friends. This superficial stuff will kill your chemistry with most women.

Instead, show her the real you. Talk about what’s really important in your life, what you do for fun and what truly makes you happy. Being genuine shows real confidence and women love confident men.

You want to say all the right things. You want to be smooth, witty and charming. Who doesn't? The problem here is, most of us aren't naturally smooth, witty and charming. If you’re always focused on saying the perfect thing, you’re never focused on your date. You’re thinking about what to say next instead of listening. Your conversation is one-sided.

You don’t need to be perfect. Stay in the moment and connect through commonalities. Validate her opinions and assert yours. Show you’re into her by listening and asking questions about her. A great conversation can create chemistry, but a great conversation is a two-way street.

You’re an open book. You tell her everything there is to know about you. You want her to see all your wonderful qualities and show you have nothing to hide. Problem is, you’re revealing too much too quickly. This reads as needy. And, need I say, needy is not good. Don’t tell your whole story in one date. Isn't it better to read a chapter or two and look forward to what might happen next?

If you share your thoughts, feelings and opinions on 30-plus subjects the first time you meet someone, you leave nothing to the imagination. Create some mystery. Cover two or three subjects tops, and then get out of there. A little mystery is exciting and chemistry breeds from excitement.

So you see, chemistry isn't totally random or elusive after all. Make it easy for women to connect with you by keeping genuine, staying in-the-moment and creating a little mystery. When you let the real you come through (and don’t overdo it), no one can stand in your way. Not even you.

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Shawna is a certified dating coach and matchmaker based in Edmonton, Alberta. She helps both men and women become more comfortable - and more successful - in their dating lives.

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One Comment

  1. Women in their 20s often have a vastly overrated sense of their value and think that male 8’s are in their league when the women are only 6’s or 7’s.

    You also have more young men that do want to play the field for a while. Most don’t have much success and learn they need a relationship if they want to have sex with someone they find more attractive than the women 2 pts lower that they might be able to have casual with. Most men are failures at pick-up. One PUA coach said that only 1/10 guys succeed at really learning the stuff. Women tend to focus on the most successful guys and then think all guys are like them and thus think that men can totally get sex whenever they want–not the reality for most men.

    Here’s an article about high-achieving young women (admittedly most women aren’t so ambitious) putting of relationships because they value all of these other things more:

    http://www.nytimes.com/2013/07/14/fashion/sex-on-campus-she-can-play-that-game-too.html?hpw&_r=1&pagewanted=all&

    Men who date women for 5 years and don’t want to marry or cohabit for a long time basically don’t like/love the women they’re with enough. They’re just complacently settling for whom they can easily get for now. It really is the settle for the 5 now until I get a bit older and have gotten more career under my belt and more confident and then go out and find a 6 that he’d actually be happy to marry.

    All that the timing wasn’t right and so on is mostly BS. They just weren’t that into her.

    That’s the hardest lesson for women to learn, that they can get sex with men that don’t love them that much, that aren’t into them, that will even stick around for a steady supply of sex and companionship for a couple years, but these men don’t love them deeply and sure as hell never intend on marrying them (though complacently sliding into marriage or kids does often happen).

    Basically it’s quite hard to find a man who’s really into a woman and that the woman is really into. I think probably half of women are fairly hypergamous (meaning they only feel strong attraction and romantic love if they guy is of somewhat higher value or better) and these women are going to struggle because their minimum threshold is too high. The other half that aren’t hypergamous (or very much) can feel excited and deeply in love with an equal in some sense (or in rare cases a lesser man) and they are the ones that are more likely to find a really happy and loving marriage.

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