I’ve never been good with ‘traditional’ relationships. There’s only so long that someone like me can hide his neurosis. I make a great first impression, but women tend to break up with me around the time they come home and find me naked on the couch watching Batman and dipping fried chicken in spaghettios.
Naturally, for someone like me, long-distance relationships are ideal. They’re just like real relationships, only you get to hide all the things that normally make women avoid you like an arsenic sandwich.
Here are a few of the many, many benefits of long-distance relationships
They're great for people who have something to hide. When you’re in a long-distance relationship, your significant other has no way of knowing that you own fourteen cats or that you just got out of jail for breaking into Taylor Swift’s house. Those are things you get to keep to yourself.
They’re great for people who hate practicing personal hygiene. Taking showers not really your thing? Get yourself a long-distance girlfriend—you’ll only have to shower once or twice a month (once or twice a year, if she lives really far away). You can spend the majority of your time marinating in your own body-juices, then hop in the shower thirty minutes before her plane arrives. If you remember to use soap, there won’t be any reason for you to suspect
They’re great for people who don’t like having sex. If the thought of touching another human being fills you with disgust and makes you physically ill, long-distance relationships are a perfect solution. You get the same amount of emotional intimacy without having to worry about the sweatier, fleshier parts of love.
Now, I’m always hearing people whine and complain about how hard relationships are. That’s definitely true—long-distance relationships take a lot of work. But if you think your long-distance relationship is hard, just think about how hard people had it back in the covered-wagon says.
See, they didn’t have social media back then. Do you think Lewis and Clark made Sacagawea pull the boat over so they could stop and text their girlfriends? HELLS NO! They were too busy lasso-ing eagles and giving each other cholera to worry about nonsense like that. Back in those days, if you wanted to get your romance on with your funky fresh lady-friend while you were out chopping trees or purchasing Louisiana from the French, you had to suck it up and wait.
These days, it’s pretty easy to stay in constant communication with someone, even when they live halfway around the world. Technology has made life infinitely easier. Maintaining a long-distance relationship in the 21st century is as simple as buying a calling card or getting a Facebook account.
If you’re not smart enough to figure out social media, you’re probably not smart enough to trick people into dating you anyways.