You have been seeing/dating this man for a while and there is just something about him that you feel uneasy about…You actually find yourself wanting something more out of your relationship – perhaps it’s an official relationship status, a proposal, a marriage or just wanting a bit more commitment from him on his end.
“Is he a commitment phobe?” If this is a question that you have on your mind for some time now, this article is for you. Here are 10 ways how to spot a commitment-phobic man…
1. He doesn’t contact you regularly.
He calls you when he feels like it; and that means once every few days. The longest period of time he did not call you is 5 days, or worse, longer. Look, if a man is really into you and wants to take your relationship further, he WILL call you at least every other day. Now I am not talking about long distance relationships or bouts of times when one of you is away for business trips. I am talking about normal dating relationships here. If your man cannot make a commitment to call or text you every other day, why do you think he will make a commitment to give you his heart and take care of you for the rest of your life? So wise up, ladies! Communication is key to a relationship. When a man does not even want to hand you that key (i.e. not wanting to communicate with you regularly), it is highly unlikely your relationship will work out to where you want to be.
2. He breaks his promises
This is BIG. A man who breaks his promises, especially big promises (Eg: Promise to return the funds he borrowed; Agreeing to meet your family but only to back out at the last minute, etc.) SHOULD NOT be kept. I repeat, men who break big promises to you DO NOT DESERVE to be with you. It does not just mean he is commitment-phobic, it also means he is absolutely not trustworthy.
How about small promises? How to define big or small promises?
Well, obviously the not-so-big promises may be promises such as a promise to turn up for a date on time; a promise to sleep early; a promise to say “I love you” more, etc. Those promises are not biggies to me, but they might be TO YOU. Everyone has a different yardstick when it comes to definitions of big and small. What seems very important to me may be insignificant to you. SO… know yourself well. Set up your own boundaries, and make sure your man respect your boundaries and not push them. A man loses respect for you when you ALLOW him to push your boundaries!
3. He winces at the topic of marriage.
The two of you have been dating for a year now. You tried to sound him out what he feels about marriage, and check if he sees the two of you heading down this path eventually. The moment you finished asking your question, he chokes on his drink. Ok, maybe not so dramatic. But you definitely could sense the atmosphere change. OR he could be directly laughing away at your question (that is the worst and most annoying situation you can face) without giving you an answer. Either way, you know in your heart that this guy in front of you is NOT READY for marriage.
4. He jests at his friends who are “family men”
If you incidentally hear him making remarks (perhaps not directly to you, but to his other friends or colleagues) like “Jackson’s wife is pregnant, again! To think Jackson is so excited about his what..second baby?! Holy Cow, that is just so lame…”. OR insulting ‘jokes’ such as “That chicken played us out today because his wife asked him to go home early. “ THESE ARE RED FLAGS, warning you to steer clear of such disrespectful men who do not value the importance of family.
5. He doesn’t introduce you to his friends or family
Please note that this does not apply to new relationships or casual relationships. By new relationships, I mean relationships of duration less than a year. I know some men get very serious at the beginning of a relationship and will take you back home to showcase to his parents on your second date. The thing is, how many men are like that? Most men(and many women as well) need to feel comfortable and secure with the new partner and with the prospects of your relationship before he will tell the world he is dating this girl. Some men may take 3 months to reach there, some may take 2 weeks. In general, you should not fret if you are in your first year of the relationship. If you both came to mutual agreement that your relationship is casual, then you should not be expecting him to introduce you to his inner circle. You probably should read my other article “How to make a man want to date you seriously“, if you are genuinely interested in this man you are seeing.
However, if you belong to the category where your relationship is exclusive, and it’s over ONE year, and you still have not personally met his best friend or his closest family member yet, do find out why. It is pertinent to know the underlying reasons of him not sharing this important part of his life with you. NO VALID REASON = NOT SERIOUS WITH YOU/ NO VISION OF A FUTURE WITH YOU.
6. He gives the golden excuse “I am a very private person”
There are many instances when a man would say that to you. For the purpose of this article, I will quote you some important ones which you should pay attention to:
a) When you request to use at his mobile phone or personal computer (due to a valid reason, not because you’re trying to check on him )
b) When you asked why his relationship status on Facebook is still “Single”
c) When you asked why you have not met any of his family yet after dating for so long
d) When you asked why you can’t pay him a visit at his home
When a man gives you the “I am a very private person” answer to any of your above questions/scenarios, DO NOT BELIEVE his B.S (bullshit)! Yes, he may be a very private person BUT you are his girlfriend now, and he should be accountable to you when the situation calls for it. His need for privacy implies a fear of something. That fear is something I hope you ladies eventually get to understand, so your relationship with your man can be improved. And let’s just hope that fear of something isn’t a ‘fear of commitment’.
7. He doesn’t make long-term plans with you
He is not interested to plan a future with you. He is not interested to discuss about where your relationship is heading. Heck, he is not even interested to plan that long vacation with you for next year! Unless he is undergoing major life changes that makes him reluctant to think about anything, he is just not committed to you or your relationship.
(Side note: Some guys are not interested to plan for their own life, and do not know where he will be in the next 5 years. These dudes may not be commitment phobes, but they are far worse – they are lost souls who do not know what they want in life. Please tread carefully if you are really in love with this lost soul. You may end up getting lost with him, and please do not expect a ring on your finger anytime soon with these men.)
8. He is over 35 and have not been married before
By 35, most of us already knew if we want to be married or not. If we want to, we will work at it. Men over 35 who are still casually dating or in-and-out-of-relationships may just well be people who enjoy singlehood and want their space & freedom more than they want a serious relationship. Of course there are exceptions where men totally focus on building a career for the first 35 years of their lives, and after their career success , they focus on getting a girlfriend and furthering the relationship. Lucky you if you meet these exceptions, but don’t bank on it!
9. All his relationships do not last over 2 years
As above mentioned, men who are in and out of relationships all the time just screams: “I am afraid to commit! I am afraid to get serious with a girl!” You do not want to be a filler for his periodic bouts of loneliness. Don’t fall into that trap! And do not fantasize about being That One Special Girl who can change how he feels about being in a long-term relationship. Well, if you insist on making your fantasy come true, my article”How to make him commit” will help you.
10. He had, had very long relationships (read: over 5 years) and he never had plans to propose to any of his girlfriends.
Perhaps it was from his own mouth, or from other sources that you got to know his past relationships. He was in serious and very long relationships, yet he never thought about settling with any one of those ladies. Especially if those exes were nice ladies of marriageable age, there can only be ONE REASON why he did not marry them – he doesn’t want to commit into a marriage. DO NOT believe 100% when he tells you the reason is because “she is not the one” or “the timing isn’t right”. If that ex is not the one for him, or the timing isn’t right for him, then why did he string her along for such a long time? Chances are, he likes those girls very much but he is just unwilling to commit into a marriage back then because of a fear that he couldn’t explain. That fear might just be the fear of commitment!
IF YOUR MAN FITS AT LEAST 5 OUT OF THE 10 ABOVE, CHANCES ARE… HE IS A COMMITMENT PHOBE.
Having this new piece of knowledge means you can make better decisions in your current relationship. Understand that commitment cannot be forced, but it can be inspired. Sending you wisdom, courage and lots of love as you do this!
When my pilot husband is away, I blog, write, teach language to children, coach women and do a lot of things to make myself happy. Founder of Theladymenwant.com - a place where I offer my help to women who want success in their love lives.