“What do guys do when they get lonely?”
Hmm. I'm not sure what all other guys do; it's obviously different. Although, I imagine watching Battlestar Galactica's Epic Battle Montage along with masturbating to Sofia Vergara pics is near the top of the list.
Look, dating can be shitty. Just. Fucking. Shitty. True fact. While the chase, for guys is fun, sometimes it's a fucking downer. You can have a month or more of pretty much having your pick of the pussy. A guy is not spoilt for choice during these feasting times. I know, because that asshole has been me. There's more than a few reasons why I was having fun dating. It was nice meeting other women who were interested in me, that would respond to what I was saying, that I could charm… Definitely an ego boost. However, nothing was ‘working' in terms of getting a relationship going. Sure, sure. I've said that I don't want anything “complicated” and, for the most part that's still true. I DO have fun dating… It's what works with my schedule and, really, is about all I can handle.
Going on these dates has gotten me blue-balled a couple of times. It can go with the territory and so it goes in mine. In other words I've had my fun and also seen myself through some frustrating moments with a couple women in particular. I needed to slow down I thought; but instead, I went on a few more dates because I've been getting a lot of attention on the good ol' OkCupid after my recent profile revamp. I was really tearing through these dates and I'd gotten more comfortable… One might even say I'd become a bit cocky. Each of these dates I'd kissed the women after our date was over and each time they said they wanted to see me again… Wow, totally awesome, right? Wrong! Wrong because I truly wasn't interested…
In short, I was wasting their time.
I went out with some genuinely nice women; women who are smart and pretty. Very pretty in more than a few cases. So what the fuck, dude? Why isn't this the best thing ever? Let me tell you…
I'm still going home to an empty bed
I have friends with families, some with kids, some with their significant others, dogs and cats and probably a goddamned Kimodo Dragon… They all have something/someone to go home to… Not me. I made that bed myself and I don't regret it, however, I'm just fucking lonely and when I can't fill my mind with women who think I'm: “this, that and the other,” that I don't have any feelings for I'm left to my own devices; my own thoughts… Those thoughts bring me down, way the fuck down. It's not that I think I'm worthless and it's not that I don't think I'm a good fella (even though, I can be a bit of a dick sometimes), it's that I wonder if I'll ever truly find someone that I can love again and who will love me. I can tell you that I believe that I will. I do. At my core, I'm a good guy. I'd like to think my friends and family think I'm alright. I'm not horrible to look at today and I'm motivated, but I'm not perfect and, frankly none of it matters. I have an irrational fear of being alone and that, in part, is why I keep going on dates with women. I get to ‘forget' for a while about the fact that I'm lonely.
When I'm on a date, most times, I feel pretty awesome. I feel like I'm charming and witty and fun. Then there are times like last night. I went out with a beautiful RN. I couldn't charm one genuine smile out of that girl and it's not for a lack of trying, nor was it her fault. She just wasn't in to me. That's it. I didn't stutter, I didn't call her a ‘broad‘ three times. No, she just knew within minutes that I wasn't her ‘type' and, if I'm being honest, she probably knew that before we even went out…
It's dates like that, that lend me some insight, some pause, if you will. I asked myself today: “What the fuck, man?” What is your deal? What's your problem? I'm fucking lonely. If weren't lonely would my date have been better? No. I still would have been less interesting than a plate of cheese. That's not the point; the point is that I have this fear of being alone; I'm afraid to sort my thoughts and feelings out. Why? Because I don't know what I fucking want and that bothers me.
Do I want kids? Eh… It swings one way to the next. Do I want a relationship, a serious one? The answer can change with the amount of times I change my C-String, once a fucking week. Do I want to just have meaningless sex? I've done that and It's gotten boring.
I need to un-fuck myself in the head. Really.
Because right now, I'm not dealing with being lonely real well… And that's a problem.