You don't know what you don't know. “Truer words…” is a phrase Mr. Jackie Summers likes to utter from time to time, when the time is right. So there I was, my buddy Alfonso and I. It was a cool and crisp November evening, also known as “just right.” The giant pot of Pho (a type of beef noodle soup) had instantly fogged up my glasses, once it hit the table. The smell of slowly cooked beef-stock, mint and basil hit me in the face like Emily Vanderhoover, after I checked to see she was a man or not… Learned a nifty trick from Crocodile Dundee, you see… Yeah, bad idea. Back to the story…
The steamy goodness before Alfonso and I was slightly offset by the slightly dampened look he was giving. “What's up, man?” I poked. He looked to the left and to the right and clasped his hands together and said “Man, Alex… I don't know what's wrong with me. I just don't give a fuck about sex anymore. I just don't care, bro.” I can only imagine the contorted look on my face in response to this obvious rubbish. Alfonso, reaches down to his pocket and digs around, much like you would if you had an itchy fire-crotch. He pulls out his monstrous phone (not a euphemism), a Droid X. He starts swiping around, to the sound of various clicks and taps. He reveals a very topless woman. “Not bad,” I said approvingly. Alfonso nods and says, “But, bro, I just don't give a shit. I just… I just fucking don't.” He pauses. I can only think to myself “What the fuck is this guy on? Near as I could tell he had a pair of titties in his face not more than a few hours before the giant bowl of Pho assumed the role of nekked bitties.
Public Service Announcement: Ladies, if you've ever had a guy take a naked photo of you, or have sent one out to a guy, he's shared it with his friends. Period. Oh and thanks!
“Alfonso, what's going on man? Really. Tell me,” I flat-out demanded. “Alex, man, I just don't care about these women. I'm never going to get married or have kids.” I shot the guy an “Are you fuckin' serious, right now?” kind of look… “Alfonso… Do you even want to get married?” Alfonso confidently nodded in affirmation.
I looked Alfonso up and down… I was putting on my CSI: Miami Caruso eye-wear and I was going to get to the bottom of this. Something was/was not amiss and I needed to find an appropriate cheese-filled phrase…
It was pretty obvious to me, by this point, what his issue was. Sure, he said he wanted to get married, but all the pieces weren't lining up… So I asked him “Alfonso… if you had an opportunity to buy some sort of upgrade for your car or take a girl out for dinner with the strong possibility of ending up at your place, which would you choose?” He didn't have to answer, he paused and that was telling enough. I said, “Look, man, it's pretty obvious what's going on here. You're still selfish, you're still hung up on taking care of yourself and thinking about other stuff unrelated to getting laid and spending time with women (which until that point seemed like a ludicrous thought. Sex rocks!).” Alfonso ran his fingers through his hair, slurped down a couple bites of his soup and replied, “Bro… Maybe you're right. I keep on trying to make things work, I keep going out with women, pretty ones, interesting and smart ones and I just… I just can't get into it. I don't care.” It was pretty clear he was doubting himself, but more than anything he was confused and being needlessly hard on himself.
I assured him he just wasn't ready to get into a relationship and apparently a bit too selfish to really enjoy random sex with strange women. We continued to take down our respective bowls of Pho that night (btw, it's pretty awesome that Little Saigon shops and eateries stay open so damn late) and with Alfonso's renewed perspective a weight had been lifted off of his chest.
Satisfied, having met the bottom of his bowl of soup and reaching a conclusion, he sat back and said, with his very slight stutter, jumbled “Alex, man, you're right. I am too selfish and I'm letting that get to me. I'm just not ready to be unselfish. I'm just going to finish and get the hell out of there…” Not quite the reaction I was hoping to inspire, but he did seem in better spirits after that… Now he's armed with knowledge and a “race to the finish line” mentality… Lock away your vagina, kids.