Stepping Back in a Perfectly Imperfect Life

A year has come and gone (almost).

Yet the sexual tension I experienced was still prominent. This time on my turf. The wisps of grey in his hair were the only difference. An indication that time passes all of us by.

My body still craved his touch, his lips, his throbbing cock. My curiosity still piqued.

Still, after a year, my vagina had a heartbeat…

But it was natural. My body still knew how to respond. My vagina became wetter by the second…

Everything from how he kissed me to tasting me, although not as hyped as I thought I would be. Probably would have been better with his dick thrusting inside of me…

Reminding me why he was my favorite; he was attentive and knew how to please.

But too much time went by…

I hate him… not really… I tend not to allow myself to get emotionally attached, and I have been really good at it my whole adult life …. Until I met him, that was over a year ago. I thought I had closed that chapter, although those feelings haven’t resurfaced, or maybe they never faded… Who knows? Obviously, he paid attention to what was going on in my life, but communication prior was dry. I never really knew if he was reading my texts because he ignored me. I don’t know why I still reached out….should have just walked away like I do to everyone else and cut off communication. But, instead, I did what guys from the revolving door are doing to me, keeping him on the back burner… It’s stupid…

Here’s the thing if people want you in their lives, they put you there with no excuses.

The only reason I carried on was that I never knew how he felt; his actions said one thing, but he was confusing, and I had no time for uncertainty. Not going to lie, though; I hated myself for catching feelings; he made me feel safe, a term I have never used, not thought about before. So, in all transparency, I felt comfortable walking into his house on our first meeting.

It wasn’t just about the sex with him; although satisfying, it was a different dynamic, and it freaked me out that I let my guard down and let him get the best of me. I know we have a good foundation, or we did… I enjoyed our time together; I really wanted some normalcy with him… And just like that, we became strangers again…. in all honesty, these other guys were my toxic way to try to get over him. He ignited something in me, and honestly, it wasn’t just how wet he made me…. it was different. I regret the way I acted too. I pushed as well. And the texts didn’t help, texting is the worst way of communicating, and that’s what went wrong. But that was a year ago, and so much has changed with me…I don’t dwell. I keep moving forward.

I have a new lease on life… I’m a different person.

Boundaries are being established.

So much time passed… But surprisingly, we can still converse and talk about general life stuff, kissing each other goodbye as this time would probably be the last. It should never have taken a year to reconnect, and I’ll be damned if that ever happens again.

While we are moving in different directions, we are seeking something similar, both signing up to try a new dating site…

Yet both are still swiping on each other. I don’t understand.

He was the one I craved body and soul, but our chapter can’t be rewritten, and one I probably won’t finish.

As I will no longer be reaching out… What’s the point? He never responds anyway… Ghosting is the worst….that and the breadcrumbing that leads up to it. I don’t deserve it. It’s douchey. I deserve way better.

I wasn’t quite sure how I would feel seeing him again. He just made me realize I can’t do hookups anymore. And I still don’t know why I felt like that…

If he wanted to, he would call; if he wanted to, he would hang out… Effort and consistency turn me on more than sexual pleasure. I’m getting older. Hookups are for teenagers; there’s a whole world out there to explore more than just the bedroom; I want to get out and do more… Have fun and live life!! So here’s where I am at…

You wonder why I have trust issues.

Dating sites open up a realm. A multi-purpose way to stay home in jammies and talk to multiple people at once.

Never knowing anyone’s true intentions, only proving we are disposable because there are always options, Good morning texts from multiple men, to chit chat during the day. Hard to keep up, hard to navigate, and more challenging to weed out.

Texting is super impersonal. Also, I tend not to be so PG-rated, and that’s my downfall, which some unintentionally turn to sexting. Which again is not fulfilling. Why are we settling for minimal these days? No more will I go to or have anyone over unless we have met somewhere prior, unless the effort to date me exists.

Promising you are the only one that they are talking to. I’m far from naive and have other options myself, and until I meet the one, I will continue to date…because you never know. But I’m not looking for the next best thing; I’m looking for what’s best for me.

I can’t do relationships.

Yet a few have been consistently asking me out, but I’m so skeptical, to say the least.

Proper…what does that look like?. Not all men have ill intentions. But again guess I won’t know till I get back out there and actually try. Guys are not asking me to come over but want to do things in a public setting… So let’s start there.. and get out of my not-so-comfort zone.

Guys are blowing up my phone.

I’m not built for multiple people or this online bullshit.

I can’t foster men anymore.

Like people foster animals until they find their forever homes or take back their exes.

I am 💯% available.

Not hung up on any ex. They are exes for a reason and really should be called why’s.

Why the hell did I ever date you?

But if the men from my past resurface, it wasn’t me that was the problem all along.

I was distributing my energy to the wrong guys. A couple were still friends, but without the benefits; they realized that having me as a friend was better than losing me altogether, That they genuinely cared. ( Also, they both live at a distance, and we are better as friends, my choice, anyway) We frequently talk daily about everything. We meet people for a reason, season, or lifetime. Some are meant to stay in our lives, just under different circumstances.

But the only way to get anywhere is to play this game.

And hope the next guy who hits me up has his shit together, which texting lasts a week, or so then their true colors come out, or I get bored.

Eye contact, touch, smiles… that’s what I want, not empty words on a screen. But there is a whole world out there beyond our screens, one that existed way before technology was a thing…So much more I want to do than waste my time staring at a screen. But, a small-town girl still lives deep inside me, seeking adventure and trying new things.

Deep conversation.

This is just a blip in a new chapter…

A new phase…

Old haunts are resurfacing…

Still, my desire for something substantial and constant continues …..

I haven’t lived with anyone in 19 years other than my daughter… I always had this rule that no one was to sleep over, especially with my daughter at home, never introducing her to random men, as I knew it was a faze and wouldn’t last.

Guess I never really thought about it before; it’s always been her and I. Now baby. My little family has grown. By now, I thought I would be maintaining that consistency and effort.

By now, I never imagined still trying to conquer this life solo at this point of life now being an empty nester.

My quest to find a man who exceeds my expectations and wants more than a romp in the sack leaves me feeling defeated at times. Show me substance; give me time. Enlighten my senses. Looking for my last swipe right

I want a healthy balance in my life.

I am still going down the rabbit hole.

Still attempting to fill this void with sex.

Still chasing temporary pleasure.

My days of dropping my pants only to be disappointed, leaving them craving more and me dodging their texts need to end!! Fun is the word that most accurately describes me, I’m told.

I crave intimacy, a best friend. Someone who I can be myself, make me laugh and smile and make me a better version of myself, not bring out the worst in me and vice versa.

One who doesn’t make me overthink.

If you, like me, find yourself drawn to all different kinds of people, that’s totally OK. Join the club. It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with your taste; it just means you look at people as a whole. There are more than just a few qualities that attract you to someone. Lovely eyes and lips don’t hurt, though.

My friends know my track record with men has not been ideal. However, this past year I have been putting myself back out there. It’s been challenging to say the least.

From relationships, situationships, FWB, and breadcrumbing to ghosting. I have no problem getting laid. Sex is easy to get. It’s the other things that I am struggling to obtain. And at the end of the day, I’m still lying in my bed alone.

So I met this guy…… never mind…Sometimes I need to figure out the point of telling my friends, as I only end up swiping again. I hate even muttering his name, knowing it’s a situationship at best.

Guys haven’t shown me any potential; some start off great….then comes the breadcrumbing, then ghosting to popping back in my texts with a wyd or s’up like no time has passed….always craving more but showing no substance want a romp in the sack….if you saw me naked that’s a different dynamic. If you know what I taste like.. wanting to maintain some connection and leaving me on the back burner, sorta speak because losing me completely would suck…so I’ve been told many times. Complaining how their dating life sucks and whatever excuse spews from their mouths… But always curious as to what I’m up to … Still sliding into my Dm’s, hoping for another chance to slide into me….because the sex with others didn’t add up, and there is something about me they can’t leave alone… My energy, my passion, ..whatever…

My urge for something more substantial rather than casual sex has also changed.

Wanting to find that Perfectly Imperfect balance between relaxation and fun, with mind-blowing consistent sex. I don’t have a type. It’s something in or about that person that I am drawn to.

Maybe I’m a different breed. My friends think so.

The fact that I have zero fucks left is concerning. Or how I can move on so effortlessly.

In a Perfectly Imperfect world, Ideally, I want to share my life with someone and be happy and actually work on it, where feelings are reciprocated. Where we can see each other grow, and I will fall deeper into intense feelings that make us want to continue and try harder.

Maybe these men couldn’t handle a dominant, strong, independent female.

I am a guarded girl, a hyper-independent sort, so to speak; if I let you in, it’s not because I need you to complete me. It’s that I found something I want to invest my time into. Need and want are two different aspects. My sex drive remains high. I crave more than just sex, more than oral pleasure. That balance of exploring sexually and trying other things. Someone who allows my playful side but can put up with my independent, sarcastic, feisty energy. Someone who works around my schedule. And totally understands. Someone more than just casual. Someone stable. With no indecisiveness and no second-guessing. Someone who isn’t intimidated by me. Someone who can actually dominate me for a change.

I like being spontaneous. Someone to grab me and do what he pleases… Someone who can keep me cumming and gives me a reason to stay. 

A guy who takes the initiative is easy to talk to and grow together. But, the truth is, I have been disappointed by men, which feels like a non-stop ride. And not the good kind.

I don’t know what I want anymore” seems to be a popular response. It’s like men have some fucken playbook when it comes to being unable to handle other stresses in their lives. They all revert to indecisiveness when initially claiming they want to date or want a relationship. Other bullshit, “I’m not like other guys; give me a chance. I won’t hurt you”.

That or avoiding feelings altogether. By far, the initial talking stages are the best in whatever scenario plays out. That conversation makes you smile at your phone and anticipate the next one.

I am still consistent in what I want.

I have used this expression before on many occasions “It’s like watering a dead plant and hoping for a different outcome.”

So why am I still consumed by this toxicity?

I don’t know what good is supposed to look like.

Maybe I’ve convinced myself that I’m not capable of a relationship. Perhaps I’m fuckable but not dateable, fun; but for some, not easy to handle, misunderstood; hard shell but a very caring heart.

Other than loving family or friends, but not have that intense connection, one that keeps me grounded.

Granted, I am a little rough around the edges, I am a bit jaded, and my optimism is hanging by a thread.

And once gained, I downloaded yet another dating app… This time not settling for just a hookup.

But woke up to over a dozen men in my Dm’s.

I’m letting go of what no longer suits me.

I will remain single until someone proves to me that they are worth changing my status for.

That they put in the effort to see me.

When you meet the right guy, you’ll know it. That’s what we’ve always been told.

Wouldn’t it be great if we could avoid heartbreak, bad relationships, and uncertainty because we’d automatically know? But, unfortunately, sometimes we do but don’t pay attention, something else distracting us (maybe his penis size or how amazing of a kisser he is) that we tend not to read more into him and ignore the red flags.

Sometimes, it’s not all so cut and dry. It isn’t clear whether the guy you meet will be forever. What if your feelings just haven’t gotten there yet? What if you dump this guy and end up regretting it? Sometimes you need to spend more time. Invest a little more. Sometimes it’s not instant.

A relationship based on sex and one based on every other dynamic are totally different; one with both is ideal.

The kind of guy who wants substance should be able to see you at your worst.

A guy here, for now, can barely be bothered with a text or is breadcrumbing you.

You want to be with a man who thinks of you the minute he wakes up. Who never leaves you guessing or doubting his intentions. A guy who doesn’t only call you when he is drunk but texts to check in. A guy who is upfront about his feelings.

A true sign of a lasting relationship isn’t a lack of arguments; it’s knowing how to resolve those inevitable ones.

Mr. Right Now has one foot out the door, still swiping right, still keeping you at a distance.

Mr. Right takes the initiative and makes future plans to spend time with you. Mr. Right Now keeps his options open. While Mr. Right will make you a priority. Sharing even the littlest moments.

Open communication and open hearts, not just a romp in the sack. Mr. Right won’t bring up other women; he only has eyes for you; he won’t compare you to his exes. Mr. Right Now won’t care if you walk away; he already has someone else on standby.

The difference between a failing relationship and your forever relationship is how you handle conflict together, so I have been told anyway.

I am far from a relationship expert, but I know deep down that my previous relationships didn’t pan out because my heart knew they weren’t the ones. However, my forever is still out there.

My heart will know when it’s true.

I caught feelings once last year, and I’m sure I have it in me again… If these men can get past this wall.

Life gets busy. It’s about creating balance. Hold nothing back.

Go all in.

 I’ve been avoiding hookups… Making excuses and find myself home alone most nights by choice because being alone is better than being disappointed. I’ve always wanted more but settled for less. Spending time with someone, I can be comfortable with… Someone who sparks something inside of me; in this day and age, why is it so hard to maintain connections? Looking for my last swipe right. Looking to complement someone’s life, not complicate it.

I don’t know if I have talking stages in me anymore. Texting is the worst. Words get misconstrued, and sometimes a simple text can fuck up a good thing. But, unfortunately, what usually starts with a text ends with one…

This next chapter will be my most challenging to write yet…

The next guy interested in getting to know me needs to write a 500-word essay on why they won’t waste my time…..

We do not mind readers…

No longer will I listen to my vagina, but fuck, she is growling.

To the men still trying to shoot me breadcrumbs, you had me… Don’t tell me how amazing I am…

Guessing you should have thought about it before you let me walk away…

Do I have options… Yep…this time I am being selective about who gets what from me… I’m not holding on to memories… You want me a part of your life, make an effort, put me in it… You want to be in the next chapter and prove to me it’s worth writing… I’m done with cameo appearances; this story needs a lead character and a fantastic plot.