Ooops!! Did I do that? Yes, Urkel. Yes you did!
Hello dear readers, hecklers and others! It's a New Year and I'm introducing a new contributor to the site. Mr. Dr. Heath Cliffe, who runs a snazzy site called The Post and Bugle. Read THE POST AND BUGLE…FOR MEN…and you’ll like the way you feel. I promise! — Alex
Special New Year’s column for all those CHEATERS out there. You know who you are.
QUESTION: How many more “WHY DO MEN CHEAT?” columns are we going to have to endure in 2012? I mean it’s embarrassing having female after female asking the big question about our deepest, darkest, secretist sexual desires? Come on, do we write endless columns with titles such as “Why can women be such bitches?” or “What the hell has happened to her sex drive?”?
The King of Siam summed up this whole sex thing with a simple yet deft metaphor, in the movie THE KING AND I, when he declared that the bee goes from blossom to blossom, to blossom but that the blossom does not go from bee to bee, to bee. Enough said. Case closed. No more witnesses, Your Honor.
Well, it should be ‘enough said’. But sadly our adorable females lack our immense capability to excuse away any and all of our irritating behaviors with a majestic wave of some grandiose rationale.
Yes, yes, but the truth is that we know all that. What are the deeper reasons, the more fundamental reasons that our eyes wander and linger on some cute little behind or on some rack that we’re prepared to die for right there on the spot…or at the very least to lovingly caress with our highly experienced eyeballs.
Don’t worry about packing on a few holiday pounds to those hips of yours.(Mothers with big hips make healthy babies.) It’s about your waist, my dear. Keep your waist trim and flab free and you’ll gather more admirers than Lady Godiva on her horse
Well, my friends, science is science and science is my world. It explains a lot to us, if we’re willing to listen. So, let’s zero in on butts…you know, bottoms, rears, posteriors etc. Every guy becomes a fully accredited expert on the female hind package by the time he’s eighteen. He can tell you the ones to go to war for and the ones to get off the stage and all with just a mere glance of his practiced eye. He can tell you the buttocks that are ripe and ready for breeding and the ones that need to be culled from the herd…he doesn’t know why he can do this so it falls to me, the science guy to tell him. Secret: the guys aren’t really smart enough to be able to know the difference between sexual compulsion and the need to breed. But then the females among us already know this…women know they’re smarter than us which really pisses us off…not that they’re smarter but that they know it.
Dizzzaaaaaam!
As it turns out, it has to do with proportion. (I doubt that you want me to expound on the math behind The Divine Proportion.) The young man with the expert eye roams the landscape, ever alert, until he finds the right proportion of waist to hips. What is that you ask? Well, the waist ideally (in our culture) must be roughly 30% smaller than the hips at their widest. Again, why? Fertility, my friends. FERTILITY! A fruitful female signals her fertility with a waist that’s 70%the size of her bottom. And when you were a developing male, starting in the womb, your brain was bathed in testosterone which laid down neuronal paths (which we call instinct or ‘hard wiring’) which enabled you to identify highly fertile females with proportionately large asses being one such example. No big ass, no fertility. No interest.
But to blame the Butt Men for wanting to fulfill their testicular imperative to fertilize them? What’s going on here? (You can learn a lot more about this on thepostandbugle.com). I ask you, who has the nerve to call the natural process of fertilization, CHEATING? Who has the gall to question THE TESTICULAR IMPERATIVE? Who is so crass as to overlook the immense contribution of all those hard working, hard wired, volunteer buttchequers out there?
I’ll tell you who. The FEMALE RELATIONSHIP PUNDITEERS…that’s who.
So stop it. Because we couldn’t stop if we wanted to. Be ungrateful on someone else’s time. We are the proud members of the organization, NOB (National Organization of Buttchequers). We are the relentless American NOBs.
Since we know that there are some curious females out there who sneak a peek at thepostandbugle.org, we offer the following advice to you, the better looking half of our species. Don’t worry about packing on a few holiday pounds to those hips of yours.(Mothers with big hips make healthy babies.) It’s about your waist, my dear. Keep your waist trim and flab free and you’ll gather more admirers than Lady Godiva on her horse … you’ll break more hearts than the swimsuit edition and you’ll get more offers for ‘dinner’ than there are restaurants in New Orleans…and there are a lot of restaurants in ‘the Big Easy’.
So, trim the tummy and strut your poetry, girl, and the fish will jump into your boat all on their own. But remember to always make a male ‘work for it’…it’s all part of the male hunting imperative. And it doesn’t matter how many punditeers opine endlessly on the male half of our population, nothing short of an act of God is going to change the fundamental nature of our menfolk.
Next time I will tell why some men are totally monogamous. In the meantime, check out thepostandbugle.com which will alternately make you laugh, piss you off, make you want to throw something and motivate you to write a comment back to us which we always find interesting.
Dr. Heath Cliffe
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