Public Displays of Affection are Pretty Damned Annoying

simbaIf there's one thing that can make me want to strangle someone when I'm in an otherwise decent mood, it's PDA.

Let me step back for a second. I'm not talking about hand holding or a quick peck of a kiss. That stuff is great and cute and doesn't bother me at all. In fact, I'm totally cool with that. Furthermore, I'll participate in that willingly. You know exactly the kind of PDA I mean. The extreme making out, the feeling each other up all over, the arms completely around each other. All that gross stuff.

To the couples who are guilty of that: WE GET IT. You're in love and you don't care who knows it! You're in your own little world when you're together! Everything is magic and sunshine and rainbows! Wonderful! Now get a room.

I don't even get how people can be into it at all anyway. I mean, I may love my man, but I don't need to make out with him on a crowded train to express that. I don't need to feel him up in front of everyone in Harvard Square to show the world he's mine. And I sure as hell don't need to take up THE ENTIRE FUCKING SIDEWALK because we love each other SO much that we can't not be next to each other holding hands for even just 2 seconds, because I don't. And I definitely don't need my man to wrap his arms completely around me in some creepy bear hug because it's “cute” to be so close in public- it's not cute, it's scary and I can't breathe now, thank you very much.

Maybe that's just because I'm more secure than other people, but who knows. I don't need to be smothered to know that I'm loved. I'm sorry if you do because that's just sad.

Anyway, there's just no need to get you and your partner all riled up and ready to go in front of people. When you do that, all of us around you become voyeurs with no escape. Honestly, I never know what to do when it's going on right in front of me. I mean, I know not to stare, but I can only look at my phone for so long. Do I pretend not to notice? Do I applaud and cheer them on? TELL ME, INTERNET! WHAT DO I DO?

I'm glad you're happy (are you, though?) and think you're in your own world, but NEWSFLASH: You're not. There are a million people around you who don't need to watch you and your partner's foreplay activities. Personally, it just shows how insecure you (or you both) are, that you need to scream “THEY ARE MINE AND YOU ARE JEALOUS, RIGHT?”

So here's my solution: Hold hands. Kiss each other. Be happy and in love. It's a wonderful feeling and I'm happy for you. And if you still want to get all up in everyone's business with your love, buy a webcam and make some money off of it from willing viewers. You can show everyone how much you “love” each other while helping others “love” themselves.

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