Successful & Single & Not Too Happy About it.
I've heard friends say the following, “You know, I'm successful, good looking and I've got my act together… Why can't I find someone who wants to date me?” My typical answer, as a friend is, “You tend to suck at life in the ways it really matters.” Excuse me? What's that you say? Or, better still, “Why would you want to be a member of a club that would have YOU as a member?” Woody knew what he was talking about all along…Sure, being successful and stable are important traits with any potential dater in the single world. Most people will tell you that stability is an important trait/feature in a potential suitor. Why not? I know I like my women stable, able to take care of themselves. Though, I do have a lingering “white knight” complex that wants to “save” women who aren't stable, per se… That's an urge I've learned to resist, but that's another story and another article.
Success is, really, only a very small part of what makes a person desirable to date. I have friends that make great money, have nice things, own their own homes and are a lot further along in life than myself and, yet, they are unable to find that special someone. Now, I can't sit here and tell you people why that is precisely. However, I can hazard a guess or an assumption, so stay with me…
Some of the people I know, who are single, not all of them, but some, have particular similarities in their attitude. That is, they tend to be overly sarcastic, they tend to be a “Debbie Downer.” More accurately they tend to be cynical. They've got it in their mind that people are looking for someone that isn't them. This sort of attitude, plainly put, is shitty. If you find yourself thinking like this or saying things like “Oh this eight dollar glass of wine tastes like every other wine blah, blah, blah” then stop. Take a moment to enjoy a situation and your company. I've long held this quote in high regard and close to my heart “If you change the way you see things, the things you see change.” Think about that quote for a moment. There's a lot of power in this idea. It has the potential to change one's outlook on life, in general and it can do a lot for a person's disposition by making them more desirable to be around. In summary, find the positives in everything, rather than the negatives and focus on those positives. It can make all the difference…
People who are successful sometimes take for granted those very things that make them successful. Not everyone does this, but I notice that my friends who are successful often pass over those very things that make them successful. Understanding those things that make you who you are and embracing them can also have the positive affect of effecting (I hope I did that right) real positive changes in attitude. If you have a great job where you get to help people, take notice of that and learn to re-appreciate it.
One of the most important things that I've observed in my single, yet successful, friends is that they're lacking in social activity. They tend to be home bodies and don't really get out a whole lot. I'm not saying they should be at the bars or anything, hitting the club scene… That can get pretty boring and isn't terribly stimulating. What I am saying is that it's key to fill one's calendar with meaningful activities that take them outside of their comfort zone and puts one in a position to meet new people.
Oh great, meet new people? Get out there and do something? Like what? Shut up your face!!! I was just getting to that part. There's really a near endless number of things you can do. You know, I participated in a running class for a time and I met a lot of people there. Went to some bbqs and mingled and met new people. That class netted me some dating action with two different women. I've taught web design classes at a senior citizens center and got a date out of that… Wait, that sounds wrong, no, I didn't date one of the seniors but I did date one of the volunteers… Though, I'd hit up on some of the elderly action. Just don't hate on me for it.
On the activity note, here's some other things to consider doing:
- Take an acting class at a local college or city community group.
- Volunteer
- Get on Twitter, go to Tweetups.
- Group Dancing classes
- Hiking groups
- Have get togethers at your place, invite some people over and have fun. Make it a themed night, board games, video games, cards, Rock Band… Use your imagination
Learn to let go… There are things about each of us that we don't like, or that we want to improve, sometimes these are things we get hung up on. It's important to let them go and learn to “be okay” with these things. It's easier said then done, I realize, but it can serve as an emotional anchor.
Look, I'm not perfect. Far from it, but guess what, I'm good with who I am and where I am in life and it shows… I'm a lucky person. I'm loved, I've been in love and I've got amazing people in my life; friends and family both. There's a lot to like about me… and that's pretty cool. I'm fortunate in that way. Without realizing it, I just took a moment to appreciate those things that make me who I am… Perhaps that's the first thing anyone reading this article should do.
Take a moment and appreciate how awesome you really are…
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Great piece. This'll be something I will, and have traditionally, struggled w/in dating: believing daters are looking for something that's not me and whether I want to, in my view, change myself by broadening my horizons just to get access to that pool. I've never been someone that complains about not dating, at least publicly, but more of someone that takes their ball and goes home regarding it. Thus, I've never dated much.
Trying to find that balance between what I consider to be "selling out" to join the daters' club and maintaining my individuality is going to be quite a challenge for me when I start dating again down the road. I guess as long as I don't bitch while being a homebody for the most part, I can avoid being part of the group you're evaluating here?
First off, thanks for the kind words.
I know dating's not easy. I've experienced and felt similarly to what you're experiencing now, with regard to dating. One truth that exists is that it's rare that the prospects will come to you. You have to get out there. Does that mean comprimising your identity in the process? I don't think it does.
I'd also caution about being "too much" of a home body. I can't tell you how much is too much… But I know a guy who can be counted on to be home and on the couch pretty much every day except Monday and he's not doing a whole lot to expand his horizons and meet women by sitting at home watching what's on the tube or playing xbox live. It wouldn't be such an issue if he didn't want to meet women, but he does… All I can do is roll my eyes and say "Well, what do you expect to happen if you take no action?"
Your situation is different. It's not just about "bitching" or vocalizing about dating or not dating. It really just comes down to the will to break out of one's comfort zones. Really.