Ask the Urban Dater: Why She Isn’t Into You and What to Do About it

I'm seeing a gal that I'm really into. The problem is that she's not really into me, or at least it doesn't seem that way. She doesn't call, she returns text messages after several hours… I may only see her once or so a week, if that. I dunno. She doesn't completely blow me off, but, man, I don't really feel the “love” here. And that's another thing. Some months ago I told her I loved her. She never said it back.
— Love-Stuck in Yakima

Well, Love-Stuck. I feel you. You're in a vulnerable place and it sounds like you've been there a while now, with no relief. That's a hard place to be, fella.

Things like this tend to make me want to walk the other way. I even tried that recently, but ended up not going through with it. The thing is that when the person you're into, or sweet on, isn't reciprocating with the attention you want it can cause the mind to wander. “What are they doing that they're too busy for me?” “Maybe they're fucking someone else? Maybe their friends are just more important than you.” I mean, I can go on. This is just the shit I'm thinking of. It's all enough to make anyone a bit insecure.

In this case it's best to have a serious talk and see where things are. You just need to ask what's going on and listen. Maybe there are things going on in this person's life that just demand a lot of attention and are causing stress; you just need to be there to listen sometimes. Understanding goes a long way here. But it helps if the other person vocalized such things.

Of course it's important to lay-out your expectations, too. Those matter and if those expectations cannot be met then you have a decision to make. Are you in a situation that you care to deal with? Maybe or maybe not. You have to check in with yourself, listen to your gut and come to a conclusion.

No matter what, a conversation has to happen in order for you to be able to move forward. In my opinion, it's better to have that conversation in person. Be up front, be respectful, and put it all out there. See what happens and what this person does with your honesty. Before you do, have an idea of what you want. Know what the desired outcome is and know what you're willing to accept.

Remember, honest dialogue is the thing that will set you free one way or another. Don't let what's stuck in your head determine the course of things to come. That turns into a losing scenario right-quick.

Author profile

Alex is the founder and managing editor at the Urban Dater. Alex also runs: DigiSavvy, for which he is the co-founder and Principal. Alex has a lot on his mind. Will he ever get it right? If he does, he'll be sure to write.

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