I read a piece, by Melanie Curtain, over at EJ, about her top 3 sex problems. I suggest giving it a thorough once-over. I gave it a twice over. Sometimes you're bad at sex. I'm not talking about you. I'm talking about me. Sometimes, probably many, many times, I've been pretty shitty at sex.
While there are no sure-fire formulas on the how-to-sex right, I'd say a few general things apply: Listen to their body. Always start with a lower intensity level. Pay attention. Be cozy with you and you do you as you do. Oh and don't forget about you. You are a participant and your experience in this whole sex-business matters, too, goddammit!
How does bad sex happen?
The woman I'm seeing now… She would never say it to my face, but I've really borked sex with her more than a time or two. It's not pretty.
How does bad sex happen? It happens pretty easily, it turns out. It happens when we're not paying attention; it happens when we “think” we're so awesome at what we do and we think that if this technique worked on partner a, b, and c, then it must definitely work on the new flame.
Guess what? Bullshit, that's what. Remember that gal I mentioned earlier? She doesn't like to be touched in the ways I've thought women enjoyed being touched. She's sensitive and ticklish and that's not her problem. It's a bad habit I've gotten into in how I touch her, I've gotten better, but I had to swallow my own pride. I had to accept that I'm not God's gift to women. Each woman is different and is “required reading.”
Bad sex can also happen when we don't take care to listen to a woman's body. A woman's body and how it responds to stimulation is something I can't possibly articulate accurately, only to say that it's a thing of beauty and a privilege to behold. This article isn't meant to be a tutorial on how to make bad sex good. What I would say is that this is where being in touch with your partner's body and how it reacts to what you do is key.
But it's not all about the physical…
Mental stimulation is a big part of this as well. As Ms. Curtain writes in her article, she states that while she is comfortable with many masculine parts of her identity in various parts of her life, when it comes to sex, she wants to explore her feminine-most desires. She wants to feel like a woman and, to her, that means several things.
She wants to be taken; she wants to be respected; she wants to feel masculine power work within her and perhaps take control or perhaps she wants to control the masculinity herself. Those thoughts and feelings are intricate, which is why it's important to listen to her body, how she breathes, check-in with your own feelings and thoughts. This applies whether the fucking action is in full-effect or when things are softer and more sensual or anywhere within that spectrum. Pay attention. Tell her how she makes you feel when you're taking her in; how she rides you; how her embrace makes you feel… Let her know how that makes you feel. Does what you're doing feel “hot?” Does it feel dirty? Let her know.
It just happens and it's okay. Learn and move on.
Let's be real for a moment. Bad sex is an eventuality. It's okay when it does. Also, when you can't make the other person come that's also fine, it doesn't mean they didn't have a good time and that's really the important part. A lot of emphases is placed on men to “be a nice guy” and finish last. I advocate that notion, but it doesn't always happen and if it doesn't, you're not a shit bag. I promise you. Just enjoy the experience, they certainly are.
Sex isn't like operating a tamale assembly line or some other process that can be automated. It's a craft worthy of a lifelong desire to improve and get better.