Good First Messages for Online Dating

first message online dating

I'm going to roll up the sleeves and crack the knuckles here. I think this is generally an area where I excel. Sure, I'm on a dating hiatus, but before that I was on a holy fucking terror of binge dating the likes of which were mildly, if on not entirely unimpressive… Whatever. Fuck off, will ya!

So first impressions matter, as we're told. That's great, but hows does that help you?

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The Point. Get to it. Quickly.

We live in a world where we consume tons of information and make decisions in the blink of an eye. So it goes with online dating. Say “hello” and get her attention. Familiarity helps. Saying something funny and non-threatening is good, too.

Example 1: Hey there! Liked what I read here and saw you like Game of Thrones. Red Wedding… W.T.F!!!?? If you haven't seen it, spoiler alert, everyone dies!

Example 2: I read through your profile and I gotta say, only my Freshman English Teacher made more use of the Oxford Comma than you. Oh my name is Alex! Grammar snob at your service!

It's Okay to Bring the Cheese.

Women like to be pursued, they like being chased and romanced, fawned over etc. Duh. Your mileage may vary with the cheesy approach; but if done well, you'll display a sense of humor and a tender heart. A lethal combo if ever there was one… But it's also easy to edge over into creepy/needy guy. Don't be that fucker!

Example 1: Look, you owe me 99 cents because your profile melted my heart like a snickers bar in a pocket on a hot summer's day.

Example 2: Between your profile and your photos, I have to say, you might be the prettiest girl in this part of the internet…

Or just tell a joke…

Example 3: How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool…

Appeal to Her Interests

Okay, you'll see a huge number of women who like the same shit as you. Great! Right? Right! But you don't want to be a fan boy. You don't want to be a puppy dog following its master around all day. It's great if you find a woman who likes the same weird shit you do. But don't over do it here. Simple acknowledgments go a long way, playa.

Example 1: Hey there. I'm Alex. Totally dug the profile, you seem cool. Gotta say, hiking Half Rim was such an escape for me. How did your hike go? Let's chat sometime.

Example 2: Hi! I noticed that we share a love of the ‘Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants!' (not really). =)  – But seriously, we seem like a lot of the same movies/beers/things/shit etc.

Be natural and poke fun; but don't be creepy or needy but also be concise and to the point.. Most importantly have FUN! If you come off that you're having fun, you'll seem like fun. Real fun.

Until next time

Author Profile

Alex is the founder and managing editor at the Urban Dater. Alex also runs: DigiSavvy, for which he is the co-founder and Principal. Alex has a lot on his mind. Will he ever get it right? If he does, he'll be sure to write.

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  1. Great post! I like the examples you’ve mentioned here. For online dating profile first messages, it’s important to strike a balance between low effort (3 words) and too much effort (5 paragraphs)! Writing those things can definitely take some thought and effort.

    1. I can’t speak from firsthand experience, but I don’t think it’s humanly possible for someone as perverted as Alex to have remained a virgin for so long.

    2. Joe, in truth, I have never known the touch of a woman… Bahaha. Just kidding. I’d love to see your own examples. Do share.

    1. Hi. I’m a woman, not a statistic, and I can smell a cut-and-paste message a mile away. Yes, I do care if someone’s read my profile. No, I do not like to feel like I’m just a bunch of interchangeable female body parts and any other woman would have done just as well.

      If you’re trying to get actual dates, with women who might actually go home with you afterwards, then: don’t copy-paste, do some proper filtering, and write some decent messages.

      1. I couldn’t agree more and I’ve tried and tried to preach this to other people (men mostly).

        1. Thanks! You are to be commended for making the world of online dating a better place. Keep up the good work!
          By the way, what you wrote in this post: “Most importantly have FUN!” — So true. Excellent advice.

  2. Yeah, I think it is good to get to the point quickly. Funny, lighthearted, maybe a quick mention about how you donate time at an orphanage if it is applicable is good. Sort of roundabout but to the point, selling yourself without it being obvious or bragging.
    Sometimes, I don’t think it is your response that gets no attention. They just are not paying attention or, your profile itself needs work.

  3. Very good post. I like the examples you have mentioned here. I am thinking that this is a very good for those who are going for date first time.

  4. Ha, I’m glad that it’s okay to “bring on the cheese.” Validates my extreme cheesiness when I’m trying to get a reply from an interesting profile. Great post!

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