We’ve all been there – messaging back and forth with a guy from Tinder. We’re unsure about whether or not we even actually want to meet up with them – c’mon, let’s face it, we’re thirty years old and we’ve dated enough to be sick of the dating game. But, they’re insistent. They ask questions, and they seem confident enough with themselves to ask you to meet up. And even though you’re insanely busy, you agree, comforted by their confidence. They contact you throughout the week, asking you how you are doing. You keep the texts short – once again, you’re busy bossing it up, plus wtf really likes to text a lot to a stranger you’ve never met before? The last thing you want is to have spent hours of your day/week texting some dude who turns out to be twenty years older than his pictures show or you end up having ZERO in-person chemistry with. But, you’re a lady and you almost always respond and are always friendly.
Then, the morning comes – he invited you to coffee on a Sunday morning. You both plan on meeting at ten at a local coffee shop. You wake up early, well, earlier than you would have for a Sunday, quickly groom yourself and even put on eyeliner and eyeshadow. That’s right, thirty years old and waking up on a Sunday and putting on makeup. This never happens. You even round-brushed your hair so that you didn’t look like a teenager who just rolled out of bed. This takes effort, people. Unsure of how the day will unfold, you put on the most appropriate attire you can think of for a first, casual coffee date – jeans and a light sweater. But don’t worry, the sweater is white and you’ve got a hot pink bra underneath just to show that you’re not a total prude – okay, so it was actually the only one you had clean, but how would he know!?
You drive over there, a little early, but you’re tired from your workweek and need to get a little caffeine in your bloodstream before you can manage an intellectual conversation. You get to the predetermined coffee spot, order your tasty, caffeinated beverage, and wait. Ten o’clock comes by; you have a feeling but choose not to listen to it. Five after quickly comes, then ten after, and finally a quarter after. You’re a strong, confident, and independent woman, so you have respect for yourself, which means that you don’t wait any longer than fifteen minutes for someone, especially a first Tinder date.
We’ve all been there – we got stood up. But, we’re thirty years old now, confident and sure of ourselves. We’re no longer our twenty-something younger selves who over-personalize everything. We know our worth. That all being said, for those of you who are still a little unsure of yourselves, or don’t know how to handle something like this, here’s why I absolutely love, no sarcasm, being stood up.
It shows you everything you need to know about the person within fifteen minutes.
Think about it. You gave this new person a chance. They have your phone number, and they knew that they scheduled a date with you – they asked! And then, they stood you up. They didn’t even have the courtesy to call or send a text. This shows that they not only don’t respect your time, but they have poor communication skills, and they’re not actually looking for anything serious, no matter what their profile says.
They Didn’t Call or Text
Calling to say that they can’t make it at least shows that they value your time – and hopefully, they’ll ask to reschedule. A text does the same thing, but either shows that they’re too scared or introverted to call and say that they can’t make it, or they’re possibly hiding something. A call definitely shows that they care about you, value your time and you can also listen to the tone of their voice to know whether or not they’re being sincere or are hung over or with friends. When someone doesn’t even bother to call or text you, then they either forgot that they committed in the first place, or they simply don’t care. Either way, that’s a person that I don’t want to continue getting to know.
We all know that good communication is key to creating trusting and healthy interpersonal relationships. This is one of the main failures of relationships, according to PsychologyToday. So, if someone doesn’t let you know that they’re not going to be able to meet up for something that they originally committed to, and even worse initiated, then this is the first of many communication issues to come. This is your very first impression of this person outside of messaging on Tinder or via text. If they don’t have the common decency to let you know that they’re not going to be able to meet up for a coffee date, then what else are they going to bail on?
A man who is looking for a serious relationship values commitment, and asking a woman out on a date and setting a time and place is a commitment. It doesn’t matter if you met someone on Tinder, OKCupid, eHarmony, or at a bar, if they no-show for a date with you, then they don’t value commitment, or at least not with you. Period. Sorry, I know that’s blunt, but it’s true. Sure, maybe their grandma died, or they were in a serious car accident, but that rarely is ever the case.
This was really only fifteen minutes of my life that I spent waiting to get to know someone better. And even though I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to go on a date with him, his lack of communication and complete disrespect for my time made the decision SO much easier for me. Now, I haven’t wasted weeks, if not months or even years with someone who wasn’t even that interested in me in the first place, or at the very least that interested in having a serious relationship, which my profile states. I’m very upfront and have no time to waste – I’m a small business owner who is expanding and don’t want to play games with someone or spend my very limited and valuable time waiting on someone who is never going to show.
So, ladies, do you. Don’t wait for anyone. Give someone fifteen minutes – if they don’t call, text, or show up – leave. Value yourself. You deserve someone who is going to show up for you; not someone who is going to make you wait or guess what they are thinking or feeling. Be empowered, focus on yourself, and good things will come. As for me, I’m going to finish cleaning my apartment, thanks to the endocrine-disrupting coconut milk latte from Starbucks, and boss up the rest of my day. I haven’t messaged him yet – and he hasn’t messaged me yet – and I’m not sure if I will. I’m trying to keep my sarcastic nature at bay, but f*** it, I might just show him my true colors.
I’d love to hear about your stood-up stories in the comments! How did you respond, or did you?
Rachael has fifteen years of dating experience and has been mostly happily single for the last seven years. In that time, she's dated countless men and has encountered every possible dating situation you can think of, from being stood up, to people who ghost or attempt to guilt you into having sex with them, as well as *many* almost relationships. When she’s not blogging about her dating experiences, you can find her at the gym, cooking healthy meals at home, working on expanding her holistic health spa in Portland, OR, or moonlighting as a cocktail server at a local gentleman's club.