Masturbation as a Cost Savings Tool
At the Urban Dater Taylor and I strive to find fresh-new and hellish ways to spice up your dating life. Yeah, we know you guys appreciate our diligent efforts. I would like to share something with you that probably falls under the whole “TMI” category, but I’m just going to throw my sausage down the hallway anyway because, frankly, we all know I haven’t any self-respect in the first place. That and you wouldn’t read this blog if I didn’t repeatedly show how reprehensible a human being I am, or if Taylor didn’t put her heart crushing stories of love and fail out there; and with that happy little piece of writing let’s get right to it.
Masturbation or Coitus, in general, science tells us, is a healthy thing to do. For men it can help keep away colon cancer, stress and boredom. It can make you feel better about your crappy life, too, rumor has it… These are but a few of the benefits of intercourse, whether solo or with a partner(s).
However, over the years, I’ve learned one other unexpected benefit of masturbation… Other than the fact that it keeps me from crying myself to sleep every night, it also has this nifty little side-effect. What side-effect, you ask?
Simply put, masturbating helps me to avoid spending money unnecessarily. Period.
“Um, okay dude, what the hell do you mean?” Don’t worry, little Timmy, I’m getting to that. You see, it began back in 1992. I was a seventh year Senior when I happened upon this little piece of wisdom. You see, I was ready to buy Final Fantasy II (Yeah, why call it “Final Fantasy” if you’re going to put out a butt load of sequels…). The purchase was a big-ticket item for me, relative to my dishwasher wages of $4.15 an hour. It represented almost two shifts of work… As I wrestled around with the question of buying the game, I became suddenly distracted by Jenni Garth, on the tube. That’s when I took care of business… On myself. Don’t you judge me!
A few seconds passed and I was done doing myself and the need to purchase that game ceased! Amazing and I hadn’t given it a second thought.
The same thing happened several times over the years and I hadn’t realized it. I was going to buy a rocket-propelled pair of boots one time, but I “choked the bishop” first and saved myself some coins and a likely trip to the hospital… I was going to buy a gigantic Flat Panel TV several years back and, instead, I had sex with a woman who didn’t demand cash or credit from me first. Again, big-ticket purchase avoided.
Just the other night, the same thing happened as I weighed the possibility of buying a server for my business. A hot shower later and I decided against it.
It’s not really big-ticket purchases either, you know. Taming the “Magic Cobra” has helped me to not act impulsively and make otherwise stupid decisions.
Dr. Ruth was a wise, wise woman, but I don’t think she ever told you that masturbation could be used as a money-saving tool. You can thank me for that, kids. So the next time you get ready to make a purchase or make a stupid move, “whack it over” for a few and see if you still feel the same after the fact…. The more you know.
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I want all of our readers to know that Alex included my name in this post without my permission.
I want all of our readers to know that Taylor loves me still, masturbation talk or no!
Gee thanks, Urban Dater, but can we get the gals side on this issue? I can't say I've avoided buying my favorite Nine West tall ones, thanks to a little "sum'n, sum'n"…not saying I won't try, but I don't have high hopes.
You always leave your readers wanting more, mister. I like!
Leaving my readers wanting more? Look, lady, I have a girlfriend! Please do not be a pervert on this blog!
hahahaha, this kind of ridiculous epiphany & Taylor's tales of sorrow are exactly why I started reading this blog. You have really outdone yourself with this one though. 🙂
I would also like to add that sometimes I pet the petunia in order to fall asleep. It seems to work like a charm.
Final note: I served Dr. Ruth at a restaurant in NYC. I recommended the Sword fish, which she thoroughly enjoyed (no pun intended). She was an amazing women who gave me a butt load of
"sex for dummies" key chains and is most likely shorter than Snookie. I loved her and wished I could have picked her brain on the perfect blow job.
Well, you know, I do kind of class the place up, dear? Right? I'm telling you, though, whacking it helped me not to buy a mac mini server.
Believe the hype!
Come back to Cali!
My sis advised me about your website and the way great it is. She’s right, I'm actually impressed with the writing and slick design. It seems to me you’re just scratching the floor by way of what you possibly can accomplish, but you’re off to a terrific begin!
Turns out this works for food too. In fact last night I quenched the urge to order a pizza. Just thought you should know. Though I may have carpal tunnel soon. This whole #HardToGet thing is really cramping (pun intended) my style.
It IS a money-saver. When given the choice between going to a strip club and wasting hundreds of dollars on lap dances that don't give orgasms or seeing naked women in person, I masturbate with a sex toy, lube, and a bunch of girlie magazines, saving countless twenties. And while each trip to the gentlemens' club is, AT THE VERY LEAST $20, a trip to your own bedroom with a plastic tube and a magazine is more free than water at a restaurant.