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Confessions of a Jerk: the Mass Text Breakup

Yep, I'm back to deliver another in my series of dickish behavior; another chapter in my journey of evolution from bottom feeding microbial scum sucker to the festering cold-hearted jerk that I am today…

It seems like only yesterday when I was trying to juggle four women at once; dating was a chore and a spendy one at that.

I needed to date less women… Yet that thought was flawed. Flawed because I knew none of these women were right for me. I had slept with three of the four. So I wasn't hurting in that respect. My female friends looked down upon me, banning me from bringing my “hoes” to social functions… My wallet was ready to put a full stop on my hyperactive dating ways as well…

Something had to give.

So, the Urban Dater, why not ditch these chicks anyway, you ask. Well, because I was a pussy, dear reader. Plain and simple. I was afraid to have that talk, so I continued en route to critical mass.

Mercifully, one gal, Tina, broke things off with me, she found another fish. The others though were smitten with me, against all odd. They had to be dealt with.

Amber had no car, shared an apartment with a random street bum. Carla was recently removed from an eight year relationship with another woman and Nadia just lived too damn far away and hated my taste in music and made me feel like an asshole for sneering Ricky Martin.

One night, I was sitting down watching the Devil Wears Prada on TV (don't you judge me!) And I knew what I needed to do, break up with these women. I got my phone and began texting one of them to see if she was free to talk. Then my mind said, with a sudden ray of clarity, “well what's wrong with sending a text to all of them?”

The text message reads: “hey you, been thinking a lot and I don't think this is gonna work for me. Thanks for everything wishing u the best.”

Two of the text replies were uniform run of the mill “Go f*ck yourself!” Or “I can't believe I wasted my vag' on YOU!!! FML!!”  The one I got from Carla was sweet, I think… “It was nice dating you, thanks for the text, switching back to women.”  Nice.

Stay tuned for more tales from the asshole-a-verse.

Author profile

Alex is the founder and managing editor at the Urban Dater. Alex also runs: DigiSavvy, for which he is the co-founder and Principal. Alex has a lot on his mind. Will he ever get it right? If he does, he'll be sure to write.

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8 Comments

  1. LOL "lived too damn far away and hated my taste in music and made me feel like an ass­hole for sneer­ing Ricky Martin." – Very good example of what men will endure for sex. LOL I haven't laughed this hard in weeks. Thanks. 🙂

    Oh and the multiple txt breakup.. you know they've reserved a special spot in hell for you.. 🙂
    .-= Maruska Morena´s last blog ..SXSW: Twitter, Dating, & Douches =-.

  2. I could call you a jerk and pass judgement on your behavior but instead I'll sheepishly hang my head and say I'm sorry that I did that exact thing to you. Alex you're too great a guy to be a jerk. 🙂 you live and you learn right?

  3. Wow, the heartless dicketry of it all!!!

    Oh, and I did the same thing a couple of weeks ago, to two guys I had lukewarm feelings for. *dodges flying tomatoes and rotten fruit*
    .-= Lisa´s last blog ..Lioness =-.

  4. I'm alright with this. My resolve for proper break ups is crumbling. And I think this was a really nice text compared to an email I got a bit ago. Short, sweet, to the point. And genuine. You're not a dick at all. At least not for this. heeeee

  5. I did it over voicemail. Except that I called his cell, and he picked up! I told him that I knew his class was going to start, so just hang up with me and I'll leave him a message that he can pick up later. I called right back and broke up over 3G.

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