Die alone. It should go without saying that I'm a jackass and I should probably die alone. As such, I know a thing or two about jack assery in general. Over the years I've made a number of important observations. No, really! They're really that f#cking important! For instance, I've observed that flinging poo is not conducive to forging deep and meaningful relationships. Poo, people! Dammit! I know, I know, this is not my “A-material” kids. Though, I'm not sure I'm capable of developing actual “A list” stuff, but I digress. So. Dying alone and how to achieve it… To actually achieve a status of dying alone, or putting yourself on the road to that fate, it does require a lot of work. In the interest of making your life simple, I'm going to help you achieve eternal bachelor/bachelorette status!
Anyway, having thrown a party for Halloween, it's made me do some thinking. It's actually really hard for a person to manage staying alone for the duration of their life. No, really, it's not at all easy! If an idiot like me can
bribe find a girlfriend (a good one at that) then anyone, and I mean anyone, can find a special someone. However, just knowing that you'll find the person of your dreams isn't enough. Nope! It requires a lot of damn work! Though, that's not what I'm here to talk about. Instead I'm going to tell you what you can do to actually, you know, die alone.
- Keep your ass on the couch – I feel like a dick for bringing this one up because chances are, if you know me, you may know what I'm talking about. Anyway, just staying on the couch, playing games and watching movies or television shows is great, but it doesn't drop ship your dream person on the couch cushion next to you. Like anything worth having in life, it's going to take some damn effort. Let your couch reform its original shape and get out tha damn house already!
- Talk over people – Does your reflection give you a thumbs up, when you look into the mirror? Have you won a life time achievement award twice? No? Well, it's not very likely that you're the most interesting person in the world then. Sorry to say, but it's the truth. Conversation, like respect, is a two way street. Learn to travel well on both sides of the road, brochacho.
- Don't be open to new experiences… Ever! – “I like what I like and that's all there is to it.” Okay, that's fine. However, that sort of “closed” attitude isn't the best way to endear yourself to others. You don't have to “sell out” by trying new foods, bars or whatever the case may be, but shutting down such suggestions kind of have a way of leaving a bad taste in others' mouths. Just sayin'.
- Dress like an asshole – 98 percent of us (totally fabricated number, mind you) are visual creatures. We are. Sure, if you have an amazing personality that commands attention you can get away with your faded black (now grey) jeans Birkenstocks, but you're not helping yourself out or doing yourself any favors. It sort of goes back to the first item on this list. You need to make an effort to attract someone. You just do. I know I make an effort to look somewhat attractive, as does my girlfriend (though she doesn't need to), it's one of the things that draws us to one another. Find a style that you can make yours. If you watch a lot of television or movies you can surely pick something out from the wide variety of actors in the pornos you're watching. No, a birthday suit doesn't count. However, leisure suit totally does!
- You already have all the answers; everyone else is dumb – You've achieved an understanding that you're going to die alone, blah blah blah. Insert your excuses here as to why you will die alone. It doesn't matter what good natured suggestions your friends and family give you, you've already got an answer for them. You've already drawn the conclusion for how your love life does, the script is in the can. Sure, it may be annoying to have friends and family, who can't relate to you, give you advice on what you should do to “fix” yourself. Sure, it's likely they're wrong; but don't discount their advice, don't make yourself blind to this advice. Embrace it, find the nugget of wisdom that you can add to your own. You don't want to be alone. Not even my mom, who spent decades stating she wanted to be alone, wants to be alone. We all want someone to love and to love us.
It's true, your mom told me. =)
What are some other things you'd add to this list that could have a hand in keeping someone single? Tell us in the comments below!