10 Tips to Re-Ignite Your “Pillow Talk” and Connection

Do you remember when you first met your significant other? The butterflies, the multiple text messages and the “No you hang up first, No you!” You were inseparable, passionate, intimate and interested in getting to know one another. Everything was roses… and happiness was spread all around…

Now, let’s fast forward a year, 5 years, 10 years or longer. How does your relationship match up from before? If it’s still wonderful congratulations! I admire your dedication and understanding of one another!

If you’re like the majority of us – things may have dwindled down a little bit from before…Or maybe a lot…

FACT: About 17 percent of divorces are caused by infidelity! That's an amazing number, considering there are so many other reasons for divorce … About 70 percent of married men admitted to cheating on their wives! Another study found that 2/3 of women are not aware of their husband's affair – Curtesy of Fox News (Read the full article here.) – Link: http://magazine.foxnews.com/love/cheating-statistics-do-men-cheat-more-women

EXCUSES: Well, we have kids now… I am so busy with work, I’m so tired (I’m guilty of this one), and we can’t find the time to spend together…

TRUTH: IF your relationship and connection are important to you and your spouse you will MAKE TIME. There will NEVER be a good time.

WOMEN – As we know from reading magazines and articles – Men and women are wired differently. Put very simply some men (more than a few) are DRAWN to the physical aspects of a relationship. Straight up, “pillow talk.” Now, ladies, I get the fact that we’ve had kids, we have careers, we are BUSY BUT if we are not fulfilling our partners needs then we are on our way to becoming the next statistic listed above.

MEN – Women are wired through emotion. If you are NOT emotionally connecting with your partner and they feel that, do you really think they are going to want to get down and dirty? I wouldn’t. Not only emotionally, BUT if you are not helping your spouse, communicating or making her feel special that’s an automatic tap out in the ring of romance.

By The Way: Women cheat too. Research tends to focus on men more HOWEVER studies are showing that women can be just as guilty. Why cheat? Sometimes it’s because we just aren’t getting our needs met in our current relationship. I am NOT condoning cheating at all BUT I am just saying we all do things for a reason.

I often hear well why do I have to do this? Why do I have to do EVERYTHING? Here’s the deal, unless one aspect of behavior changes nothing will change. If you WANT things to change then WE have to change our behavior. It shouldn’t be tit for tat it should be “I love this person and I want to make things better.”

So, Kassandra, you’ve laid this all out… Nothing that I haven’t heard before… So now what??
Below I am going to give you a list of 10 simple things you can implement to increase your intimacy and connection with your partner! If you can only do three then do three! Anything is better than nothing and you automatically get an A+ for effort!

This list might be a little different then what you expected! Alright, here We GO!


What the heck is regulation? It’s a psychological term that we use in the clinic I work at. Regulation depends on things that our bodies need to function mentally and physically well. So for instance, sleep and food. When we are not regulated – (not taking care of our basic needs), we do not have the ability to be compassionate, kind and loving. Example: if I’m tired all the time because I am not sleeping well, how pleasant and fun am I going to be too be around? You need to be regulated FIRST before you can look to connect with someone else. BOTTOM LINE: Take care of yourself. Remember, you always put the oxygen mask on yourself first before you put it on anyone else.

What is talk time you ask? This is where you allocate 5-10 minutes of time within the day to be completely present with your partner. NO distractions, no kids, no TV and NO harsh topics that may cause a fight. This is an opportunity where both partners can feel really heard and regain that CONNECTION. Can’t find the time or don’t know how to do this? Try setting a timer on your phone or stove. Start with 5 minutes and continue to work your way up. BENEFITS: ladies, you will feel heard and your emotional cup will start to feel a bit fuller. Guys: if you take the time to fill your girl’s emotional cup, she will more receptive to getting more physically closer..(Pillow talk).

I hate chores… Especially doing the dishes and cleaning. Now, your home may be divided into assigned tasks for people, if so it’s time to shift the balance. IF you see your spouse doing the dishes, instead of sitting and watching TV, help her! Ladies, if your guy is doing the garbage and that’s “HIS JOB” help him anyways! When I say “HELP” I don’t mean complain about doing it, or present as being unhappy… I mean find fun in the mundane. Maybe talk about how you first met or a really enjoyable time you have had together. WHY: When we find a connection in the mundane things we have to do in life, it not only fills our emotional cup, it makes the activity fun and less of a chore AND most importantly helps us to feel appreciated and interested in.

Some people love to touch… some people hate to touch. Most people enjoy touch when they have sore muscles or joints. If you know your lover is a touchy person, make the time to find appropriate opportunities to hold a hand, touch the shoulder or back, hand on leg… you get the idea! You know what your partner likes. IF physical touch has not been in the ring for a while this may feel unnatural or “FAKE.” We need to be able to step out of our comfort zones in order to replace unhealthy patterns. The more you do it, the more genuine it will feel. IF you are with someone who doesn’t like touch (or it would be too hard to do right away) offer other ways to connect – one simple question: How can I help? That my friend’s is like word porn to most women. Other ways to implement physical closeness: massage, cuddles, hugs. BENEFIT: many people can feel physically disconnected. Before we jump into full on “Pillow Talk” some people need to be reminded of how good physical touch can feel and how much they really missed it.

Some people love gifts. Gifts do not have to be material things. A gift can be something as simple as: “Hey, Hun, I’ll watch the kids so you can have a shower without someone bugging you.” (ONE of the greatest gifts my husband gives me). Or it can be a love note, some chocolates, a case of beer etc. You get my drift. It doesn’t have to be something huge and gifts don’t only have to come on birthdays and special holidays. BENEFIT: feeling appreciated and loved. Many people say to me, “I don’t even think they think of me or care.” Well, here’s your proof – they do. PS: surprises make gifts extra special.

My husband loves motorcycles. I can’t say that I am a super fan…BUT whenever there is a motorcycle trade show or place he wants to go, I always jump on board without complaint. Why? Because I am showing him that I care about what his interests are. What does this translate too? It really means: I care about you and your interests.

I definitely lost my game after I had my daughter. I didn’t feel good about how I looked and I always felt just exhausted. I stopped taking care of myself. This became an area of contention in my relationship. Life happens, we go through things, but that doesn’t mean that we just stop and settle. Boost your confidence! Wear that lipstick you used to love, get your hair done, groom yourself (guys this is for you too). BENEFIT: not only will you feel better about yourself, but your partner will notice that you’re putting more effort into yourself and really LOVING yourself. How sexy is that?

Now, you’ve tried the above ideas all week, things are starting to look a little brighter in your relationship. Before you rush into “getting it done…” set the mood. It doesn’t have to be flowers, candles, and chocolates. It can be: a really awesome day of connection with the family, it can be doing an activity together that you’ve enjoyed – whatever you believe would put you guys in a positive mood is what will work best. Try to avoid fights and arguments and be the bigger person!

So you’ve been together awhile. Sometimes things get a bit boring and routine. Change it up! Make the “pillow talk” experience more exciting! Maybe some sexy lingerie? Maybe more foreplay? Maybe toys? Maybe a new location? Different positions? Whatever you choose! (Just make sure your partner will be on board with the adventure). BENEFIT: when we try new things together, we feel more secure and safe in our relationship… not only are we getting our physical and emotional needs met but we are also exploring new experiences and sensations together. The more SATISFYING our pillow talk is, the more we will want it!

I caution this one especially if there have been unresolved emotional hurts. Remember, sometimes it takes us time to re-build trust and connection…BUT if you feel that’s what you need to do then just DO IT! Sometimes unleashing our physical desires can really facilitate all the things mentioned above… just depends on you and your partner. BENEFIT: all that sexual tension will be gone. Also, if you are with someone who really needs to be physical to “fill their emotional cup”, then they may be more receptive to “filling” your cup emotionally.

REMEMBER: this is a fun way to reignite your connection! True connection and takes time and dedication. The more you do this stuff, the stronger your connection will be!


Author Profile

My name is Kassandra Malik, I am a masters level social worker and a certified life coach. I have 7 years of experience working with people in various situations throughout my career. I began this business because I found that in all of the work I have done, connection has been the basis for therapy, coaching, good parenting, and good personal/professional relationships. Some of us have difficulty with connection and I feel it's my job to guide you through the process of changing unhealthy connection patterns and miscommunication. As a Connection Coach, I help women struggling with relationship issues & parenting challenges, self-esteem issues, losses and loneliness. I help to create enhanced relationships by helping my clients know WHO they are, WHAT they want and how THEY want to LOVE and be LOVED so that they can be FREE from limiting patterns and LET GO!

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