Shit to Buy Your Man. A Christmas Buyer’s Guide

Ladies an Gentlemen. There's a dude in your life. That's what this article assumes; I'm also making an assumption that you have no ideas of your own and you're desperate, like the strobe light hunnies at the bar turning me down at 2am… The good news for you is, unlike me, there's hope for you.

*Note – There are not asshole bro-links here, folks. Meaning, no affiliate links. I never said my bitch ass was smert.

Here's a list of five mother fucking gifts you can buy your man.

A nice wallet from Bellroy – http://bellroy.com/

These hand-crafted wallets are made with love, leather, sweat and by good folks in India who are known for their fine leather goods. It's a tradition, yo!

Why? A wallet is a manly thing to carry. Women, not so much. A wallet, like  watch, is a minimalist article/accessory. It makes a statement when you look at it. The craftsmanship is obvious. Bellroys are of an elegant design. But the beauty of these wallets lie in their simplicity of function. That is, these wallets are not meant to store your man's fat stacks of cash, or a box of condoms. These are meant for a few key personal artifacts, a couple cards, some monetary notes (ca$h, bitches) and maybe some coin. Simplicity is a beautiful thing and these wallets show that.

Your man will appreciate the handsome elegance that these wallets show at a glance. I have the Note Sleeve Wallet and love the fuck out of it. I think your fella will, too.

Something to shave his mangey ass face with. Membership at Dollar Shave Club – http://www.dollarshaveclub.com/

You may like your man with a full scruffy beard; perhaps your guy has a delicately manicured garden on his face with swirlies and shit. Either way, Dollar Shave Club is an inexpensive way to tell your man to clean up so you can feel the smoothness of his face as you shove it downtown as a way for him to say “thanks.”

I mean, if you haven't seen the video (you'd have to be living under a really heavy rock to not have seen this), It's amazing. And if it's okay by Mike, it's okay for your man.

They offer to replace your man's blades on a monthly basis for prices of $1 dollar, $6 dollars and 9$ smacks to the face (or just buy the fucker a gift certificate). All reasonable and, if he's not using the blades, you could just as well use them to shave your stuff… Assuming you have stuff needing shaving, ladies. I'm looking at you, Frida!

Make him build shit – https://grandst.com/p/scribbler

I'm looking at this nifty little set of awesomeness for myself! Maker's Toolbox (the manufacturer) state the make DIY shit for kids, grownups will still have fun with these well-thought out toys. Not only is it fun to put these toys together, but they'll look pretty fly where ever you put them, in his room, his man cave or office.

Encourage him to dress like less of an asshole – https://www.trunkclub.com/

Your guy probably wears the same tattered and worn jeans three days out of the week, if not more. He has the same five shirts that he cycles through. He looks like a barbarian. If not for your guys' sexual chemistry and all the sweet stuff he does for you and how he makes you feel, you'd prbably bail. That would make you a little bit of a dick, but we're not judging.
The Trunk Club is an excellent online clothing retailer that operates in the same vain as popular lens-peddler, Warby Parker. That is, you sign up, speak to one of Trunk Club's stylists, give them some information and they send you a trunk of clothing for you to try out. You keep what you like, send back the rest and settle up your tab online. Pretty convenient for the dude that is loathe to try anything on in a store. Lame. Their prices are comparable to a Nordstrom and your fella will be looking ever slightly more handsome. Get the sucka a gift certificate: https://www.trunkclub.com/gifts.

Give him the gift of you… Nekked.  –

Yeah, this one should go without saying. Get into the Christmas spirit and ignite a new fantasy or an old one. Slut it up a bit as Santa… Wait, don't do that. A slutty Santa scares the shit out of me. Truly. Your guy might be into a bit of domination. Give it to him. Maybe he wants to tackle you in the back of a movie theater… Whatever it is, spice things up and let him HAVE you… All of you.

Honorable Mention –

Again, clothing related, by Blank Label makes a damn fine shirt. I own three, and I look fucking handsome (my mom says) each time out. They're tailored to your man, come in a wide array of cuts and material and designs. They're great. Worth the money and the wait.

Thanks Bro – Beer and jerky. Say thanks like a man, not a pussy!