A Plea to All Future Brides
Apparently, we just recently capped off an epic “Engagement Season.” Engagement Season is the period of time between the Thanksgiving and New Years holidays wherein 785 of my 789 Facebook friends became betrothed and splattered pictures of rings and pregnant bellies and “I said yes!!!!!” statuses up and down my news feed. I didn't even know there was such a thing, or why it is so popular to further complicate an already immensely stressful season, but I digress. Since I did not participate in Engagement Season, I have one small request to ask of the women who did, and those of you who will, at any point in your lives, make the commitment to marry someone.
Please, for the love of all things holy, stop going out for your Bachelorette Party decorated head-to-toe with penises.
I don't get this trend. I have seen every manner of phallic accessory one could imagine; it's like they're becoming pieces of flair and these girls are encouraging each other to find new ways to wear it. Penis eyeglasses, penis straws, penis necklaces, penis veils. WHY?! Is this supposed to be cute? Is it supposed to be humorous? Are you really standing in front of your bedroom mirror with a dick dangling in your face and thinking, “Yep! Ready for my night out!”??? NO. Please say no.
I understand the bachelorette sashes. I understand tiaras. I understand wanting to draw attention to the fact that the biggest day of your life is fast approaching. I can even make a case for a penis cake or (my personal favorite) penis pasta. I get all of that! But decking yourself out in penis paraphernalia for a night out on the town…in public…where you'll probably also get drunk and make some other questionable decisions, is something I just cannot wrap my head around. In all seriousness, if penises are still that amusing to you, you have no business getting married. I can only think of one or two times I found a penis amusing, and it certainly wasn't cause to go around adorning myself with a handful of them.
Could you imagine if men went out for their bachelor parties wearing vagina belts? Or giant vagina pendants? Women would have a fit! Any guy who did that would instantly be classified as a skeezeball. It's gross! And it's no less tacky when women do it.
So if you have plans to tie the knot ever in your life, at least consider that there are better ways to announce to the world that you are out for your “last fling before the ring” (equally tacky but again, I digress.) Because nothing says “I'm not ready for marriage” like tripping over your penis dress while coming out of the club at 2am (yes, I've seen one.)
I am a twenty-something professional living and loving at the Jersey shore. I have forever been trying to balance my two weaknesses in life: food and men. So right before turning 24, I had a vertical sleeve gastrectomy– a weight loss surgery that limits the amount of food I can eat at one time. I’ve lost a full 100 pounds since then and kept every ounce of it off. I still have no idea what to do about the men. I’ve been dating with a conviction that can only be described as religious for over a decade. Believe me when I tell you, I have seen it all. I’m here to share my story with you; from fat girl who refuses to turn on an oven, to skinny girl who can’t go a day without rejoicing in and sharing the absolute pleasure (and nutrition!) that good food can bring. And I’m here to tell you about all the men I’ve encountered along the way. Some of what I’m going to share with you is hilariously funny; some of it is heartbreakingly sad. I promise you, every word of it is true.
You can find me on Instagram @maneaterme, on Twitter @maneaterme, or via email: [email protected].
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