I'll begin with a question for you, dear readers:
What do you do when: You have a pretty decent date who is wearing a custom suit and looks pretty legit, but then you notice he's dressed in these shoes and you feel like vomiting instantly?
I shit you not, people! This guy (affectionately and unfortunately will be referred to as “Velcro” from here on) was sporting a custom-made suit and geriatric, velcro shoes. These shoes are probably the ugliest men's shoes available for purchase, folks.
Before we dive deep into this shoe dilemma, let me explain the rest of this date. (fun fact, Velcro just texted me to say, “you probably already know this, but you're a boss kisser.”- aw shiiiiiit, catching feelings already)
I show up at this trendy restaurant, STARVING because I worked out early and didn't eat prior so I'd actually have an appetite for this date. I walk in, and he was sitting at a table and mentioned making a reservation, so I assume he is feeding me.
He says, “Hey so I'm not really hungry, are you good with just drinks?” I reply, “Um NO, I am starving but now this is weird so…” Then Velcro says, “Oh yeah, I'm not hungry either – I'll just order a drink.” Fuck. My. Life!
Side note—I am one of those women who gets hangry. In case you don't know what hangry is, we'll leave it to the Urban Dictionary:
An amalgum of hungry and angry invented to describe that feeling when you get when you are out at a restaurant and have been waiting over an hour to get the meal that you have ordered. – Source
And I have to eat every few hours because:
- I revamped my metabolism, and by doing so, you have to eat/snack every 2-3 hours.
- When I don't eat, I get restless and irritated super quickly; it's not a good look.
The moral of this side note? FEED ELLE AND THEN FEED ELLE MOAR!
So we are chatting, and Velcro admits he's a Republican.
Well, shit. I would have swiped left, but you didn't have that in your profile. Velcro admits most girls in DC swipe left on Republicans which is why he omits that detail from his profile. By contrast, my last Tinderfella's profile read: a bad hombre looking for a nasty woman. Clever and instantly I knew, he had his head screwed on straight.
But anyways, back to Velcro.
So he tricks me into that one but explains he's not a Trump supporter.
Then we discuss religion. He's Jewish and wants to raise his kids that way but doesn't care if his wife is Jewish or not.
Ummmm… I'm not gonna raise my kids religiously soooo yeaaaah…
He does want to move to California soon, which is okay, I can get down with that.
He's also wearing a custom suit that I like, and he looks sharp! Oh! Another side note, Velcro knows my roommate. Since he knows my roommate, we planned for him to come back to my place and surprise him. We both drove so he follows me back to my humble abode and we outline our plan.
Let's walk in holding hands. I'll yell at my roomie to come out because I think I met my soulmate. He'll come out, see you, freak out, and you say I think we are gonna get married, this girl is perfect, he can laugh, and it'll be great. That was the setup for a good practical joke.
We stick to the plan, and my roommate is shocked of course. Then we all hang out for a bit on the couch, and that's when I notice the shoes. Oh, these shoes are enough to make you want to jump off a bridge and end it all right now (they're almost as bad as this horrific shoe collaboration).
A CUSTOM SUIT WITH VELCRO, GERIATRIC SHOES?! WHAT THE F*CK?
I can't believe what I am seeing…
I do have a weird fetish for guys with a great taste in shoes (Gucci/Ferragamo/Tod's loafers are my kinda scene), but I can deal with an essential Nordstrom loafer…
What I can't deal with is this. I can't stop staring, and it makes me feel kinda sick.
The fellas catch up on life, and my date is finally ready to depart. Our date began at 7:30 pm it's now 10:30 pm and I haven't eaten since 3 pm… My hangry level is at an all-time high, and I feel sick after seeing this horrible piece of foot vomit.
I go to walk to him to the elevator, and he says….
“So this is what I think we should do…you are amazing, and I'd love to see you again, I know I dropped the Republican bomb on your head, so I understand if you never want to see me again.”
I sit there silently and ponder my next move….
Those shoes are pretty horrendous, but he was a nice enough guy… How do I break this tie…I am very fifty/fifty on Velcro at this point in the date. Maybe.
So I move in closer and kiss him.
Yes, I kissed him first.
It was pretty good, so I decided hey, let's give this kid one more shot. If those shoes appear again, though…I'm gonna have to call this one quits.
So I pull back and say, “I think we can do a second date…if you were a bad kisser my answer would've been no because who wants to waste their time.”
Then he kisses me again. This time it's even better.
“So I know you have another second date Wednesday…are you free Thursday?”
“Actually, on Thursday I am having an ex-tinderfella dinner at my house so my roommate can make some new, male friends…”
“You're kidding, right?”
“No, these guys were great but just not my type, and now I'm good friends with them, and I think Arash will probably like them both so I invited them all over for dinner Thursday.”
“Damn, you are adorable and absolutely hilarious. I'll let your schedule dictate date two then…”
“Perfect, I'll check my calendar and let you know. Ciao, ciao!”
Like I said before, I am very fifty/fifty on this guy. You never know what will happen and I am working on being more open-minded Maybe Velcro will let me throw away all of his shoes?
Here's to hoping?