Let’s talk about sex baby…

A couple of nights ago I was watching a TV programme. Halfway through it there was a scene featuring a couple entering into an illicit sexual relationship. I welcome such distractions given the rather arid period I am going through at the moment and think there should be more gratuitous sex on TV, however as delighted as I was to see full a on shag session in the middle of a programme about the jury in a murder trial, I couldn’t help but consider the fact that they were standing up, half dressed and both came quicker than you could say that man needs to seek help for his premature ejaculation.

I have noticed recently in my most thorough research on post watershed sex scenes that it is the position most popular amongst directors when trying to convey to an audience a ‘quick fumble’ or, for want of a better word, ‘a bonk’. Sadly though as effortless and streamline as it comes across on ITV in reality I’m just not feeling the vertical lovin’.

Standing up – awful. But perfect if you want your lover to be made aware of your full body weight, jellied buttocks and inability to remain air bound. This position will not give you an orgasm, nor in fact, any kind of sensory pleasure what so ever it will however leave you feeling like an unstoppable cancerous growth welded to the top of your lovers penis that he will eventually need to cart around on a makeshift wheelbarrow through the streets of Bangkok.

Standing up will work if your lover is smaller than you, has an exceptionally large penis, works on a building site where his duties include much knee bending whilst carrying heavy objects and you are 16, 5”1 and borderline anorexic. In contrast this position will not work if you are 35-year-old mother who hasn’t done a sit up since 1993 and never says no to a dessert. You have been warned.

Likewise, and I understand that opinions are slightly more split on this one, but girls on top? Not if I’ve got anything to do with it. My issue here is not so much to do with the fit but more with the over zealous amount of eye contact. Of course I like a bunk up as much as the next person but I find myself, when straddling my beloved from above, having to throw my head back, eyes closed, mouth open in the style of a over-beavered 70’s porn star just to avoid a stare off. I get that eye contact is sexy etc etc, but really people, I am trying to have an orgasm here not enter a who blinks loses competition.

Some other positions to tempt you – the T-squared, the rusty bike pump and wait for it….. the piledriver. The piledriver?? This is not, despite its name, anal sex with someone who has haemorrhoids but when –

The woman lies on her back, and then raises her hips as high as possible, so that her partner, standing, can enter her vaginally or anally. The position places considerable strain on the woman's neck, so firm cushions should be used to support her.

Man alive, I’m getting laid not training for the 2012 Olympics, and like that’s not bad enough how about the scissors position where –

The receiving partner lies on their back with the penetrating partner lying perpendicular. The receiving partner bends the knee closest to the penetrating partner's head enough so that there is room for the penetrating partner's waist to fit beneath it, while the penetrating partner's legs straddle the receiving partner's other leg. The in-and-out thrusting action will move more along a side-to-side rather than top-to-bottom axis.. This position allows for breast stimulation during sex, for partners to maintain eye contact if they wish, and for a good view of both partners as they reach orgasm.

Who does this shit? I'm beginning to wonder if I’m a bit of a one trick pony in my old age but really, ‘bend’s knees close to partners head” … ‘legs straddled to receive partners other leg”. All sounds like hard work to me.

Doggy style – now you're talking. Comfortable, flattering and minimal eye contact. He's happy getting his end away and you can plan your Ocado order for next week and pull all the bored faces you want without him seeing. “Oh yes baby, you’re so good……. hmmmm, wonder if they’ve still got the 2 for 1 offer on the fabric softener in Waitrose…..Oh yeah oh yeah, just like that yeah…” You see, everyone’s a winner.

I jest of course, but really lets be honest, unless you’re a pretensions self-righteous twat like Sting isn’t the point to have fun and get laid. I no sooner want your body contorted and straddled over me with your ball bags dangling in my face than you want to see me naked doubled over with my arse over tit, and tit in your arse over leg under tit.

Spooning, missionary, doggy and I'm your girl but ‘The Double Kangaroo flaming jackhammer'? I think I’ll leave that to the experts.