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I didn't know a whole lot at twenty-two, there were far too many lessons that went unlearned and because of that I made a lot of stupid decisions. “It's okay, you were young,” is what people like to say. You might be wondering “what kind of bone-headed decision did you make that you're writing an article about?” If you re-read the title that should give you a good starting point.
About a girl…
So, as I was saying, when I was twenty-two, I didn't know much and I had a lot of firsts. The most important “first” was getting laid for the first time with my first girlfriend, Dani. I never thought I'd get laid. I had no game whatsoever.
Dani was my first my first girlfriend, and my first love. There were a lot of “firsts” she introduced me to and for that I remain grateful.
Dani was someone with whom I was deeply intrigued. She challenged me, she challenged my notions about the world and made me think. She had a lot of hobbies and interests, unlike any other woman I met before. She was indefinable. Was she a good girl? Was she a bad girl? Her very presence challenged my notion of what a woman was. Dani lived a lot of life in spite of being so young… I couldn't relate to a lot of her experiences, which she openly shared with me. She was a layered person, that is, she was deep and not at all one-dimensional. I didn't know how to approach her. I was intimidated by her and her life experience. She had also been a stripper before moving to Southern California. I note this detail because I felt insecure about it. Didn't women like this want older men? Didn't women like this gravitate toward the “bad boy,” I'd often wonder; more importantly, what do I mean by “a woman like this?” I was questioning a lot about myself and what I thought I knew about women. I lived a fairly puritanical life and I also had a skewed sense of what I knew about women, as a result,
During our time together she introduced me to a number of things like public sex, pain mixed with pleasure, and role-playing. To say Dani liked it rough was an understatement. To this day I have met only one other person who liked it as rough as she did. I learned to enjoy our rough play as much as Dani did. Sometimes it would be a scenario where I would overpower her, call her names and “have my way” with her. Sometimes we'd literally roll around, wrestle, bite, and generally smack the shit out of one another.
We ended up breaking up just over a year into our relationship, she had gotten back together with an ex. It was an awkward breakup, she wanted to be friends and kept coming over to my place to talk, which resulted in even more awkward cuddle time.
Several years later…
We grew apart after more time had passed, Dani stopped coming by my home and my job. She stopped calling on those occasional evenings when she would get lonely. It was hard for me and for her, too, but it was for the best.
I had since started to date around and was getting lost in chasing women that didn't really want to be with me. It was fun and soul-crushing all at the same time.
I got a phone call from Dani. It was unexpected and welcome. We took time catching each other up on life developments and what have you. The conversation then took a sudden turn…
Dani brought up the name of an old friend and “film” producer from her past. This friend directed and produced a variety of adult films and was someone she met while working as a dancer. As she continued talking about this friend, it comes up that she's been working with him on a couple of movies. One of them is with two women and a guy. She then asks the improbable question: “Alex, would you be willing to work with me on this film? I don't feel comfortable with the other guys they're considering and it would mean so much to me if you did it.” It might have been an immediate yes had it not been for the content of the video. I would be involved in two videos, not one, first off. That detail was omitted until the day I showed up for “work.” Lesson: Always get the details. The other part to this is that this wasn't your standard porno. In fact, I wouldn't be doing any fucking. I'd be getting fucked up. This was a type of domination video. Also, a detail that wasn't shared until the day of the shoot.
Lights, camera, erection?
We were filming down in Manhattan Beach, at a condo, right on the beach the producer had secured.
Prior to filming, I spoke on the phone with the producer. She had a thick Long Island accent with a graveled voice, from a life spent chain-smoking. “Okay, honey, you just bring shorts, a shirt, and wear socks.” The socks part seemed an odd request, then she paused and added: “Oh, you might want to bring a second or third pair of shorts, you know, in case you get enthusiastic! Oh, and if the girls don't want you poking around where you shouldn't, don't do it, especially with Sandy. She's a fucking hellion, kid.” I was immediately terrified. What the fuck did I get myself into? I talked to Dani immediately after and asked her what in the exact fuck was going to happen during filming. Dani admitted that she didn't fully know, herself. She knew it was going to be a more “athletic” type of adult film. This description didn't help me at all, considering my knowledge of porn was cheesily scripted pump-and-dump fare.
I show up to porn condo and rap on the door. A woman opens the door, she must be in her 50s, a very dark tan, deep lines creasing her face; she's in a floral robe, that barely contains her broad shoulders and gigantic, scientifically enhanced breasts. I immediately notice her firm hand grip, when we shake hands, as she introduced herself, “Hi, Alex, I'm Shirley. Nice to meet you, you're so tall. I love it!” This was no ordinary older woman, as evidenced by her pulsating softball-sized calves. My first thought was that Shirley was a transgender woman, maybe she was, it didn't matter, either way—she was a shit brick house by any standard. She leads me through a long hallway, to a large high-ceiling room, where Dani is sitting on a couch.
Shirley left us alone to go set up lighting and the camera. There was no film crew, Shirley was it. Dani wasn't nervous, she had a warm smile; I noticed she had a darker tan and was leaner since we last saw one another. Not like she was skinny, but she had been lifting, as in “do you even lift, bro?” She had worked for years to become a lineman for an electrical service provider. Apparently, she had done well with that. She looked great, even better than when I last saw her.
We chatted, I joked around with Dani and Shirley, it was the only way I knew to keep my head level. There was a knock on the door, Shirley perks up “Oh, that must be Sandy. The girl is always late.” Shirley comes back into the room, with Sandy in tow. Let me tell you, Sandy was far from ordinary. It was as if Shirley hand-picked Sandy from the American Gladiators. This woman had to be at least 5'5″ or 5'6″ and a lot of densely packed muscle. When she bumped into you, which she did to me a lot, it was like getting hit with a bag of cinder blocks. Literally, I had never seen a woman like this in person, only on TV. I was in awe. Dani squeezed my hand and giggled, “It's not polite to stare, Alex.” Fuck me, what the fuck did I signup for? That was the question running through my head. What kind of sick athleti-porn did I sign up for?
Dani gets up from the couch and gives a hug and kiss on the cheek to this mega-woman. They exchange greetings. Shirley hurriedly adds, “Okay girls, I have another shoot in a couple of hours, so a lot of this stuff is gonna be on first-take. You're both good at talking, at improvising dialogue right?” They both respond and nod positively.
Shirley takes a step behind the camera and her mind starts going to work as she's clearly visualizing the opening scene. “Alex, you can just sit there on the couch. You like beer don'tcha? Well, take this beer, like you're drinking it, put the remote in your hand. You're going to play the lazy piece of shit who's supposed to be looking for work, but ain't.” Shirley obviously knows her actors, as she continues to set the scene up “and you'll pretend to flick through channels.” I ask her how we'll turn the TV off in case it messes up the sound of her movie. Shirley shoots back “No one gives a fuck about the TV, they're watching the thing to get happy. Stop asking questions; the fucking TV… You believe this guy?” Shirley manages to contain her laughter and continues. I feel like an idiot. I'm trying to be helpful on the set of a porn. Isn't there an award for that? Apparently my job was to sit there and fuck two women. That's what I was telling myself to psych myself up! Shirley says, “Dani, honey, you'll come into the scene and pissed off. You yell at him, like he fucking lied to you, okay? Just be pissed off go over there and yell at him. After that, we'll cut.”
Shirley yells “action!” Dani walks into the camera frame, starts calling me a piece of shit. I'm sitting on this couch, beer in hand, and I don't know what to do, so I start firing back my own dialogue, I mean, there was no dialogue for yelling at a woman who looks like she's ready to go streaking. Shirley stops us. “Okay, we're going to do it again. Alex, you can improvise and talk good. That's good!” she says. She goes on, “Just improvise. Dani, when he responds, walk over there and knock the beer out of his hands and tear into him.” I don't know what “tear into him” means, I didn't ask. I was too embarrassed to ask questions by that point.
Action! Dani yells at me, again, I yell back, we're arguing. Dani knocks the beer bottle out of hand and it disintegrates into slivers of glass against the wall she knocked it into. Fuck, that was kinda hard, I thought to myself. What followed was harder. My right ear suddenly began to ring and the right side of my face felt like an iron had been placed right on it. There was a searing pain, I howled. Dani grabs my throat and starts cussing at me, it takes me a few moments. Later watching the video, I was visibly jarred from getting smacked in the face. I got back into character quick enough, Dani straddled my lap, still with her choking me—with quite the grip, too—Shirly cuts the scene. “Good, good! Alex, you shoulda seen your face,” she can't stop laughing, Sandy chimes in “I love it when guys learn we're not fucking around with em.” Shirley gets a grip on herself and goes into the next scenes. The quick overview of what happens next, over the next fifteen minutes is: Dani continues to yell at me. Dani pulls my hair and slaps me again, disrobes to take off her bra. She later chokes me with said bra, after she tosses me to the ground to thrust her hips into me. When do I get to the fucking part of the program? I wondered, because who's going to take care of this boner? I was getting bent into odd positions and squeezed to near unconsciousness. Far less fun than fucking. And I had to take it while not passing out and, as Shirley asked, all while being not too much of a “screamy bitch” about it.
About a screamy bitch…
After fifteen minutes of being a punching bag, I have to pretend to be passed out. Honestly, I was gassed and everything hurt. Even when we were together, Dani never caused that much pain. Sandy enters the scene after a very thorough set up from Shirley. It's pretty much the same thing. Sandy yells at Dani for being naked. I guess the plot here (because I know you all want to know) is that Sandy is a third roommate and she's had it with Dani and I nakedly fighting all over the furniture. I guess that would piss me off, too. The two of them began cat-fighting one another, ripping clothing off all the while. Although I have to say, they were “phoning it in” because they were not hurting one another, the groans and screams of pain were lame. It was fake as fuck, people. Dani was getting woman handled by the massive Sandy. Her quads were massive. The only thing I can think of that I could reference against were Belgian Blue Cows, you know, the ones that are hyper-muscular.
After ten minutes or so of them play fighting one another, Shirley cuts. “Okay, Alex. You wake up and you're pissed off because Sandy has beat up your girlfriend again. You guys improvise dialogue and, Sandy, you're gonna tear into him.” Fuck, not this again, I think to myself. Shirley asks Sandy, “Whaddya think you can do with him? He's Baby Huey big.” Sandy sizes me up, “Well, I could try to lift him if you want, but I have a show coming up and I don't want to get hurt.” NO ONE is hurting Sandy, in case you were worried. “I can squeeze him real good, maybe do a throw…” I'm 6'4″ and at that time more than 250lbs. The thought of being thrown or flying against my will, and not in an airplane, terrified the shit out of me. Shirley looks at me and probably noticed the silent terror in my face. “No, girl, no throwing. You can trip him to the couch and then tear into him. All the standard stuff, whatever comes naturally.” Yeah, whatever comes naturally, I say, shaking my head.
What transpired after is the most awkward, confusing, and painful, yet arousing, twenty minutes of my young life. Mega woman, trips me to the couch, easily I might add, and proceeds to smash my face into every part of per chiseled part of her anatomy. Her top came off, where it went I didn't know nor did I care. Tits were shoved in my face, it hurt. My head was squeezed by mountainous biceps and by massive tree trunk thighs. I was squeezed, pulled, sat on, pushed down, and contorted. Oh and briefly lifted up to be slammed back on the couch, a singularly scary moment as I thought I might be dropped on the coffee table. Oh, silly me! She-Hulk deposited me quite safely, yet forcefully, on the couch.
A quick word about consent. Even though I was largely unprepared for what ended up happening, I consented to this crazy treatment. I already told you people I don't make wise life choices. Regardless, this is what I had signed up for: To get woman-handled and to not be a “screamy bitch” in the process. I knew I was in for a “rough ride.” Let's get back to our regularly scheduled article, shall we.
Shirley barks to Dani, who had been “unconscious” off camera, “okay, you two are going to team up on Alex. It's the same drill, keep up the shit talk, and squeeze. One of you takes the top, the other can take the body.” They both nod, I'm a sweaty heap on the couch. I'm wondering if this is going to end with my life intact. Shirley again puts on her director's hat and sets it all up. I'll break it down for you. Dani, you sit on his face and hold his arms down, Sandy, squeeze him up good, but don't break anything because of insurance.” You know, because safety first. So I get dumped to the floor again, Dani and Sandy get into their positions and put me into position. Dani mounts my face, almost like old times, except for the massive thighs around my waist squeezing every bit of air out of me. Sandy gives me a first good squeeze, which literally causes me to shoot any remaining air from my mouth—thankfully—which results in a hard smack on the chest from Dani, she certainly didn't appreciate that the updraft.
This lasted a long fucking time and ended with both women on top of me, with half a butt cheek pressed against my face, so that I couldn't breathe. They apparently fade-to-black with a high-fiving of their tag-team dismantling of the patriarchy. End scene.
Did you have sex or not, bruh?
Not in this video. I got woman handled, brutally so. While there were parts that were kinda hot, they were outweighed by the sheer pain I endured. Have you ever stuck your head in a vice grip and couldn't get it out? It's not fun. I also wasn't a fan of getting repeatedly slapped, gut-punched, and bent like a pretzel and that was the focus of filming. That was all just one video. I may or may not share that second video story with you some day.
Would I do it again? Fuck no, kids. Did I learn a lesson? Yeah, a lot of fucking lessons were learned as my manhood was effectively eviscerated. Way more whey protein and wear a bubble wrap suit.