Online Dating: Delete and Destroy!

So. Single again, over 40, and wondering what to do about it… how do I meet desirable men worthy of dating? Looking for that deep, lasting relationship, ever elusive, always worth seeking. I’m not a prime candidate for meeting men at bars – too much of a lightweight to make good decisions. Most of my hobbies are singular diversions, so joining a group isn’t an option. My career field is dominated by women, which means that my chances of meeting a single man there are practically non-existent. What to do, what to do…? Online dating, of course!

Let me clarify something important here, though. In my distant (and even not-so-distant past) I have been known as a poor ‘chooser’. My friends insist that it’s not so much that I suck at relationships, it’s that I suck at choosing someone with whom to have a relationship! With that thought in mind, and armed with strict guidelines, I head off to the land of online dating.

Within seconds of posting my profile, one photo, and the headline ‘Waiting to be discovered’, I had 3 men send me messages. Within the hour, there were ten. Within 24 hours, 21 men had sent me messages. How did I wade through all of my choices? It turned out to be easier than I thought. Here are a few examples:

Gentleman #1. Seemed to have some decent potential according to his profile. Once I read his message to me, however, I knew he wasn’t looking for someone to have any kind of intellectual conversation with. His message? “Now I would like to explore you.” – I’m no prude, but I thought to myself… ‘Mr. Christopher Columbus here better get his moral compass straightened out.’ Delete.

Gentleman #2. I never even got to his message. His headline read “Average man seeks exceptional lady.” Why on this earth would I settle for that? Delete.

Gentleman #3. He wrote a lovely short little note to me. Laid back, yet polite. I’m thinking this guy has potential… Wow, lives in my city, athletic, looks cute, even my astrological sign (Aries… well, you know?) but then I get down to this very important piece of information.
Age: 26 yrs.
Uh. I’m old enough to be his mother. Delete.

Gentleman #4. Demographics checked out this time. Note was short, but to the point. I decided to check out what he wrote about himself in his profile. I almost spat out my vodka when I got to this part: “I am not a sports fan.”
This relationship was already doomed. I must have my NFL, NBA, NHL, and MLB. (Even college games are good.) Double Delete!

Gentleman #5. Wow. My profile must have made quite an impression on him. I got two messages from him, 25 hours apart. In fact, such a huge impression that it was the exact mass produced message both times! Bad first impression if he can’t even take the time to check and see if he’s already messaged me. Delete.
Gentleman #6. Hm. This could be good, a Fireman! I’m all tingly about the prospect until I read the first line of his bio, and I quote. “Firstly, my iphone appl is on 24/7 so even tho it states i’m online, I’m probably not.”
Delete.

Gentleman #7. This guys photos were so blurry, I couldn’t make out any features. In fact, I’m not even sure it was the same person in all the pictures. Delete.

Gentleman #8. This man also sent me two messages. The first one said “so very sexxxxxxxy and hotttt” and the one I received the next day simply said “ sexxxxxxy fac so hottttttt u are”. His main profile picture was of his chest and his stomach. Or maybe it was a picture of a whale. I’m not sure. Delete.

Gentleman #9. His headline said “Surfer seeks the never-ending wave…” but he seems to have written the never ending novel in a description of himself. Delete.

Gentleman #10. This man’s interests were working out and full-contact martial arts. From his pictures, I believe this meant Sumo Wrestling. Delete.

Now we are down to Gentleman #11. The right demographics, photos weren’t too bad. Interests were a bit off, but at this point I’m tired and willing to overlook… I began to read his bio. It started with this sentence: “Hello lets see about me hmmm, well am funny, successful, fit, loyal, and extremely modest. “ –At this, I choked a little on my vodka. He seems to think very well of himself… and he also doesn’t know a thing about grammar or spelling. I skip a few lines until these sentences catch my eye: “I am from the Midwest so I have manners and down on the farm smarts such as; I dont flip off drivers with a gun rack in the back window, and I dont eat yellow snow…”

At this point, I choked and coughed on my drink so much my daughter thought she had to do the Heimlich. This statement… was so wrong… on soooo many levels….
DELETE

Online dating…maybe another day….