Question: I've read lots of your blogs + am curious: what's the ladies' take on divorcee dads? Are we good prospects or damaged goods?
Answer: In terms of divorcee dads being good prospects vs. damaged goods I’m not quite sure it’s that easily definable. Anyone that has been in a serious relationship can be considered damaged goods. Regardless of marital status we all bring baggage to the table. The trick is to learn from your past experiences and move on. As far as good prospects well, from a single gal’s point of view, you know that he isn’t commitment phobic and will more than likely be looking for a relationship more substantial than a one night stand. Of course, there are always exceptions to this rule but you know that he’s committed once before so it is entirely possible that he will be up to doing it again. Maybe not right away but that’s probably for the best.
In a perfect world I would meet, fall in love with and marry a man that has no ex-girlfriends, ex-wives or even children. In a perfect world. But this isn’t a perfect world and far from it. As I get older (now having entered the wonderfully horrible 30’s) my pool of men that haven’t been married or don’t have children get’s smaller and smaller. When I was younger it was entirely possible that my criteria of dating men without children or ex-wives could be met. However, that’s just not realistic anymore. So I’ve had to make accommodations for the fact that I can no longer expect to be number one in the mind of a man with children. Sure, this bothers me to an extent but then again, would I really want to be with a man that didn’t hold his children in such high regard?
As a child, I came from a divorced family and I have the utmost respect for my father who refused to switch weekends or date women that didn’t accept that his daughters came first. Any man can father a child; it takes a true man to be a dad. With that said, I must now look at this from the stand point of a single woman in regards to dating a man with kids. I’ve dated men in the past that did have children but things never became serious enough that them having children became an issue. Until recently.
There is a man that I’ve been seeing, not seriously (at least not on my end) for a few months. Being as he just got out of a 15 year marriage I assumed I was more than likely a rebound or that he had no desire to get too serious too fast. I may have been wrong. This gentleman has four daughters. Let’s count them…one, two, three, four daughters! Ranging in age from four to fourteen years old. I’m sure the idea of their daddy dating is probably not one they even care to entertain. Not to mention, being the new woman in the house, those little girls would eat me alive! One against four? The odds are most certainly NOT in my favor in this instance. I just have images of Parent Trap running through my head and I’m not amused in the slightest.
It’s not even the little girls that bother me so much about dating this man. What bothers me is that when referring to meeting his “babies” and our possible future together I want to run for the hills. And fast. Not only am I not ready to become an insta-mom to four little girls, I don’t appreciate the fact that “daddy” is assuming I want to jump right in and take on that responsibility. Another thing I’m not particularly fond of is the fact that he has not once shown interest in the idea that I myself would like to still have children
of my own one day. For me, I’m getting the clear impression that he’s looking for a woman to come in and replace the misses with very little concern for what my intentions or dreams may be. I can pretty much let you know now that this relationship will not last.
Another drawback to dating men with children is the baby mama. I guarantee you that more than likely there will be some sort of pissing contest when it comes to issues over the kids. I’ve seen it, I’ve witnessed it and this reason alone will keep many women from pursuing relationships with men that have children. Vindictive ex-wives that will stop at nothing to ruin the current relationship you are trying to engage in. So, if you are a divorced man that has met a woman willing to put up with the baby mama drama then hold tight to her
because that is a situation a lot of women will not intentionally put themselves in.
So, in answer to the above mentioned question. Divorcee dads? Sure, why not? Just understand and respect that it may not be easy for all women to jump right in and accept everything at face value. And honestly, some women won’t enter it at all and you have to be accepting of this as well. Just as you want for the new lady in your life to understand that you have children and certain responsibilities you must understand that she may not. And again, I’m speaking from the point of view of a single woman without any children. Hell, I don’t even have a cat.
I have accepted that my chances of meeting and becoming seriously involved with a man with kids are high. I’ve also come to terms that there may be rocky roads ahead and I’m ok with that. I won’t enter into a situation like that blindly though.
My own personal preference is that I am willing to let men into my life that have children. But I refuse to let my own hopes and dreams of being a mother to my own biological children go by the wayside because the man I’m dating has already been there and done that. That’s just not fair to me. But, as long as both parties involved are open and honest about where things might lead, I don’t see any reason why divorced people with children can’t find loving and fulfilling relationships with those that don’t. Just remember, there are always two sides and relationships are about compromise, compassion, understanding and give and take.