The last week or so, I posted an article about reasons why men may choose to give you their number and not ask you for theirs. In discussing this with friends there were mixed feelings as to why, but most of them seemed to think that this was more of a positive behavior than negative; I move to strike those opinions from record dammit! Instead, I’ve brought in the heavy artillery; the big guns of the dating/relationships and otherwise Blogoshpere. Yep, this is my first group post. Today we’re featuring Lucky Lass, Mr. Jeffrey “Don’t Call Him Steve” Platts, the lovely Maruska Morena and, well, this guy. We were also going to feature commentary by Simon MacCorkindale, of ‘Manimal’ fame, but due to his hectic schedule he had to pass on this post. Next time Simon.
- Jeffrey Platts of JeffreyPlatts.com fame.
Every time a woman gives a guy her number it means either a) she likes him and wants him to call her; b) she doesn’t like him and simply doesn’t want him to feel rejected or feel bad herself; or c) she doesn’t like him and she gave him the number to Bubba’s Auto Repair.
If he gives her HIS number, it could be seen as one way of weeding out the women who aren’t really interested. If she does call, he could then presume that she has a high interest level in him. But the downside is that it SHIFTS THE ENERGY, where she is taking the lead and he is then passively responding to her. Not a great recipe for sexual attraction. And if he gives her his number, that could appear to the woman that he doesn’t care if she calls or not.
It’s best when the guy asks the woman for her number and he initiates the first call. It shows he has the balls to ask for what he wants. It also sets the tone for him taking the lead in the courtship. So I’d say one practice would be for guys to be more present during the initial interaction, so they can be more skilled at gauging the vibe. I know many times I’ve asked for a number , when in hindsight, the vibe really wasn’t there at all.
Also, ladies, have some compassion for guys. One of the scariest experiences for many guys is to approach an attractive woman. There is even a term for it: “approach anxiety.” So if you’re really not interested and can think of a reply that embodies authenticity, compassion AND appreciation, then give that a try! And if he’s an insistent douche-bag, then go ahead and do what you gotta do.
Jeffrey Platts is the heart and soul behind JeffreyPlatts.com, sharing perspectives on dating and relationships from an authentic and practical point of view, bringing in years of study in spiritual and personal growth. When not in front of his Mac, you can find him practicing and teaching yoga or DJing funky old school jams.
- The lovely Lucky Lass of http://lucklass.wordpress.com
Don’t Give Us Your Number!!
Etiquette is not dead I tell you. Men know to walk on the outside of their women, closer to dangerous gutters and shin-hitting strollers. Women know to protect their man from ungracious comments their girlfriends make, etc. etc. There is one thing though that has alarmingly become more popular and I can’t say that I like it. The phone number reversal. Since when have men thought it proper to give us their number instead of asking for ours? This is a steamy pile of crap!
Being single is difficult for both sexes involved, it just is. The slow dance of flirting is a socially agreed upon exchange. We act like we don’t see you, you walk over awkwardly, or send a drink over to do your talking for you. We laugh at each other’s jokes (if they’re bad enough) and you ask us for our number. It’s a complicated jig and has taken us a long time to get in to position and do it right. Now men are throwing in some new step no gentlemanly instructor has taught them. It’s not a good move and I’ll give you 3 good reasons why:
1–It tells us you have no guts. We like guts–thick, long, windy ones. The days of fearlessly fighting dragons don’t exist anymore. Asking for our number is the next closest thing, so do it, and do it boldly, slayer.
2–It tells us you’re cheap. Maybe you get charged for calls after 7 p.m. and that’s why you want us to call you. Get a new job, man.
3–It tells us you have low self-esteem. This will kill any chance you thought you had with us. If you don’t believe you can get in to our pants, we will confirm that belief.
Gutless, cheap, loser. These are not the adjectives of a casanova. Generally speaking, we look to men to take the lead. (I will deny this later, so don’t quote me). If you don’t take this initiative, we are out on the dance floor under a spot light with no partner.
So if you want some, ask for our number, it’s the first good move you can make.
Lucky Lass writes for the blog lucklass.wordpress.com. Growing up in a world of all women guardians, my experience with men relied heavily upon the neighbor’s stern dad, the family’s appeasing minister and my he-cat, Chubbs. With these three, the characteristics of a “good man” remained as far away as the East is from the West. Never one to back down from a challenge however, I went ahead and lived my life, painted on various men as if they were nail polish…some looked great on me, most clashed awfully. How to know who was worth me? Who I was worth? That remains to be seen. All I do know, is I’m one lucky lady to have made it this far with all my essentials intact, ego and pen included.
- Ms. Maruska Morena, of Dating 2.0. Always insightful and always hilarious. Love her!
When He Gives You His Number.. Instead of Asking For Yours?
There are many reasons a guy gives out his number, but the main reason is that he wants to hear from you.
That said, he may not be that into you. He may give you his number so he can measure if you’re really interested.. aka you’ll call if you are.. so he can have a more “sure thing”. A remotely attractive girl is better than being alone.
Or.. he may be chicken or unsure of himself. He might think you’re out of his league, or not that into him or you’re in a group of friends and he’s intimidated to make that bold of a move.
In any case, he probably won’t be an alpha male, and will be happiest letting you take the lead.
There are exceptions to this.. where a guy will give his number to the friend of the girl he really wants to date and figures he’ll have a better chance of getting the apple of his eye if he befriends her friend. But I think this is rare.
Maruska Morena runs the popular dating blog, DatingTakeTwo.com. Dating again. I never was truely the most successful dater before, and it seems the “time off” has done little to help that. I wanted to make a space to voice my adventures, my foibles, my thoughts, and the ups and downs of dating (again). Hopefully you’ll enjoy it. Laugh with me, cry with me, and even at times run for cover with me.
My take on this whole thing? I’ve written about it before. I tend to think that the guy that does this errs on the side of being insecure more times than not. Society expects us men to be aggressive and to get out there and take what we want. Many women like can-do attitude, or perhaps a ‘will-do-you’ attitude. Either way it lets a woman know that you’re assertive and willing to get out there and get what you want. Trust me, that’s what women really want. To be pursued.
In short, ladies, if this guy you’re into does this to you, either punch him in the unmentionables or go shopping for a dude with a spine. That’s how I see it.
yannibmbr
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Jeffrey – Lazy lazy!! "weeding out the uninterested ones"? if my dating style is based on one tenet its this: The man must court. Also known more commonly as the "He's Just Not That Into You" approach. Women need to be chased, it assures us that we are wanted and needed. You are missing out on great women by giving out your number. You know who's gonna call? The crazies. The quality women will know to wait for a man who cares enough to do the pursuing.
Great post! All good reasons not to take a guy's number. Bottom line: if he really wants to call you, he will ask your number to make sure it happens… and he will call promptly.
Oh dearie, dearie me, Alex. I really AM beginning to feel like the lone defender of guys-giving-me-their-number. That's it! Time for an all-out blog war! And YOU thought I wasn't violent. Wait until you see my words.
On another note, we'll call a truce for tonight, shall we? Looking forward to it!
What about situations when 1) the girl asks for your number 2) you ask for her number but she asks you to give yours instead? My experience is that the second scenario never works.
Ah, rules, schmules. The bottom line is, some girls do not dig this and some girls are fine with it. Some may even like it as it gives them control. Guys will or will not give their number for a variety of reasons, all of which we can dissect until we're blue in the face.
Ask for her number and you risk rejection. Give her your number and you risk rejection, just not to your face. Nothing in life is for sure, but sometimes you just gotta take a risk.
Personally, I take it on a case by case basis, but I do prefer being asked for mine.
Really enjoyed the group post. From experience I know where Alex (above) is coming from. I've asked for a guys number instead because I knew I probably wouldn't call him. I enjoyed his company, would probably have gone out with him but didn't want him to feel rejected. Now looking back on it, I think I would've just passed. At the end of the day, I'd rather give mine.
Here's another question that comes to mind – if we're taking/giving numbers because we fear rejection, how do we reject politely? Is there such a way.
You know, I'm not sure that polite and rejection go together. Then again, no one thought bacon and ice cream would make for good bed fellows either!
If you're direct and kind then I think it's possible to accomplish letting someone down. We can only control how we say something; how someone else reacts to what we say is a whole other ball game.
In short, Izzy, I think you can be polite and reject someone. But when you do, make sure to where your running heels so you can make a fast getaway!
.-= yannibmbr´s last blog ..Time to Put on the Big Boy Pants =-.
This may have been a trend that has since passed, but the "excuse" that used to be given when a man offered his number was that he wanted the woman to feel she could block her number when she made that first phone call, thus offering her some type of (albeit false) sense of security. This scenario was in place when going from online communication to phone contact. But like I said, this was years ago, when the whole online dating thing was akin to "you might be agreeing to meet Ted Bundy" and you just don't know it yet.
I am all in 38 flavors of the man stepping up to the plate and pursuing what he wants…after all, there is nothing really safe about the pursuit of love or lust.
.-= girltrueheart´s last blog ..girltrueheart: UPS is looking for a few good drivers http://bit.ly/9ye23G =-.
Ms. Girltrueheart – I understand that men are not worth much ( as in Ms. Bea saying that women NEED to be chased) , but men also risk an Aileen Wournos out there. But do not worry, women can ALWAYS claim that men should approach!
Twitter: i2ido
says:
Ladies, if a man is really interested in you he will do any humanly (and inhumanly) possible to make you his own. He will call, email, text, telegraph, and send homing pigeons to contact you. If he’s giving you his number, he’s not interested enough to make the effort. If you do end up contacting, he might pursue you for booty call purposes because, after all, you’ve proven that you’re willing to chase him. Here’s more info on why guys who seem to like you, dump you.
Twitter: aiya
says:
I think we are reading into it too much when it is so early days you find out whether they are interested or not later on if you actually meet up. Getting a phone number is only a small part of success in the dating world and also there are plenty of people who are interested in people but are really crap at keeping in contact with others this happens all the time on Facebook for example there are loads of men i found attractive but i don’t always say i am or even bother to tell them.
Twitter: aiya
says:
Also if a man gives his phone number on a dating site isn’t he being the one at risk not the woman it even says on dating sites do not disclose your personal information to strangers but the men have chose to do so without caring they are exploiting themselves to the woman. He has put everything in her favour!!
It all depends on what the girl, and the guy, want, as well as the personal qualities and traits of each.
But flirting and “courtship” is really a give and take. The man is leading overall from beginning to end, but there are moments where the woman should take the lead too. Most women don’t want to be totally passive “living dolls” in their relationships.
The fact that men tend to take women’s numbers is totally down to cultural tradition, in and of itself it isn’t necessary to developing solid sexual attraction. Some said that women want the man to lead, and that’s true. But the man has already led by approaching the woman and leading the conversation. One could argue that giving his contact info is a form of leading too, because he has made himself vulnerable first. He will also lead, presumably, by asking her out later.
This is the 21st century, Equal rights for all is the modern way – except in dating where women expect men to do all the hard work and effort just so they can sit on their asses and expect to be chased and worshipped… Putting down men who offer you their number and claiming that doing so reduces the value of a man is discriminatory and wrong. If women were to make more of a dating effort, then there probably wouldn’t be so many single ladies sitting at home by a mobile that never rings!