Looking to screw up your third date, your marriage or your long-term relationship? It’s actually considerably easier than you might think. If you’d like to toss your loving relationship aside for a week’s worth of nights crying over a box of wine at your sister’s place, here are five quick tips to lose the love of your life in ten days flat!
1. Say I Love You as Soon as Possible
Maybe it’s too late to say it on the first or second date, but as long as it’s been less than a month, there’s still time to scare your man away by saying “I Love You.” Practice it in the mirror and say it in your head over and over again to make sure that you’ve got the tone right. If it sounds like you’re just playing around, he might not be scared enough to run.
2. Figure Out His Passwords
Get into his emails and Facebook account and send every woman on his contacts list — friends, co-workers and exes — threatening messages saying they better back off of your man. Don’t wait for your guy to confront you about this; rather, ambush him the next time you see him and demand to know who those floozies are. After the break-up ensues, keep leaving voicemails and texts telling him that he better answer you, or he might think he overreacted and give you another chance — what a waste of time it would have been.
3. Never, Ever Stop Talking About Your Old Boyfriends
Even if you’ve been married for ten years, it’s never too late to start making positive and negative comparisons between your man and the last one; and to never, ever stop. “Jake didn’t mind doing the dishes once in a while!” “Jerry was such a workaholic!” “Drew was a lot taller than you.” Either he’ll leave, or you’ll make both of your lives miserable with the constant nagging, and isn’t that what we really want at the end of the day?
4. Loan or Borrow a Big Amount of Money on the First Date
If you see a lending site like DriveTime while snooping through his Internet history, be sure to confront him with this information and demand that he borrow money from you instead. Now, this is just the setup, because you have to follow this up by asking him where that money is the very next day, and the day after, and the day after, and so on and so forth. Alternately, borrow some money from him, at least a few hundred bucks, and stash it away somewhere. Stop returning his calls so he thinks he’s been scammed. Either way, you’ve created not only a bad social position, but a bad financial situation as well. Congratulations.
5. Play Very Hard to Get
Early on in the relationship, it may be true that men like the idea of having to work for it a little, but never returning his calls, biting your tongue so as not to laugh at his jokes and kissing other men in front of him doesn’t say “Come and get me,” it says “I’m not interested.” Make sure he never catches on that you actually like him, or he might just give you a call for a follow-up date.
In all seriousness, it’s not so hard to make sure your relationship is in good shape for the year ahead, just show a little compassion and respect and don’t do anything listed above.
Mark is a people person and everyone’s best man. He’s been the matchmaker for all of his buddies and knows the secrets to having a long and lasting relationship.