My Tinder Life: So…..Coffee?


There is something about coffee that screams “business”. Probably because I’ve spent many a “coffee catch-up” trying to convince a recruiter why I’m great at my job and how I just absolutely love working in a corporate office. Where do I see myself in 5 years? Probably sitting in a café having my 115th “coffee catch up” with a recruiter trying to get a job that I’m terrible at and don’t particularly want but need because bills and stuff. So coffee with an internet date?

Not for me.

I’ve been Tindering off and on for about a year. And I have found there’s a few different scenarios’ you can encounter when first courting, or being courted, by potential Tinder suitors;

Scenario 1
– Both swipe right
– “hey how’s it going”
– “Great, and yourself?” mixed in with some “haha” or “lol” or any response to first statement
– No response

Scenario 2
– Both swipe right
– “I’m married/looking for NSA/want you to pee on me, interested?”
– End

Scenario 3
– Both swipe right
– Insert deep interesting question
– Deep interesting response, respond with deep interesting question and some deep profound shit ensues.
– Realisation that you’re not really that deep and profound. Responses get further and further apart due to running out of deep profound shit to say.
– End

Scenario 4
– Both swipe right
– “so do you want the D?”
– End

Scenario 5

  • Both swipe right
  • “Hey how’s it going”
  • “Great thanks, how are you”
  • Conversation flows, texting, much in common, oh the lols!
  • “so do you want to catch up for a coffee?”

Thumbs up to scenario 5. This is the aim of my tinder game. I like to be asked out. What can I say? When it comes to selecting a possible man friend on the internet by swiping left or right on a portable electronic device based on looks, age and a few words, I’m old fashioned. This is it. I can’t wait the 4 years until a reality TV programme steps in. We’re both seemingly normal people – or at least appear to be. Let’s get this ball rolling. So coffee?

Casual dating should be as casual and un-nerving as possible. So for that first meeting I always suggest drinks over coffee. There’s several reasons why I think taking your tinder guy or gal for a casual drink at a bar trumps coffee catch ups…

1. Are they a drinker? This can give you a clear indication about how the other person feels about drinking and bars. I have spent, and plan to spend a good amount of my life in and around bars. If you say don’t drink because you just don’t, or can’t drink because you’re “in the program” we can work around that. If you don’t drink because you do cross-fit, this isn’t going to work.

2. Lighting is minimal. Bright fluorescent lights are known to encourage people to eat/drink quickly and leave. If you are hitting it off you don’t want to feel rushed and anxious. Get that Barry White mood on.
This is also helpful if you were chatting to someone who appeared to look like Megan Fox in her photos, but she actually more resembles that thing that crawls out of the TV in The Ring. Some people just have strong selfie game. If you make pleasantries with someone you are not attracted to and are afraid to be seen with, better to do it in the dark.

3. Alcohol. Alcohol makes awkward situations less awkward. Don’t knock back 4 pints before your tinder match arrives so you are a dribbling mess, but a little something to calm the nerves, occupy your hands and get the convo flowing, totally cool. And hey if it is extremely awkward and boring, you can drink until they are charming and interesting. Around the same level of drunk you’d think you are the most amazing dancer in the world.

4. There’s more escape options. Generally bars will have more than one exit. If your tinder date looks like they would shank you if you do the “there’s been an emergency” cop out, you need this option for your safety. And if there aren’t sufficient exits for the date and dash, get friendly with the bar staff and ask to use their back entrance. Bartenders are the best friend of bad tinder dates.

5. Having a good time? Enjoying each other’s company? Amazing! If you are at a bar you can carry on to another bar, or restaurant, or “hey, um , so I made this amazing cheesecake, which is in my fridge, in my kitchen, at my house, where my bedroom is…” hint hint. If you hit it off on a coffee date it’s a lot harder to carry on due to the time of day you generally have coffee. Not saying it’s impossible to continue on to more drinking/eating/bumping uglies after a mid-morning coffee, but definitely harder and weirder.

6. Run out of conversation? Bars can come with an array or extra-curricular activities. Pool, darts, connect 4, petanque, table tennis and even built-in skateboard ramps. Perfect! And then you will be able to check out how great/awful their hand-eye co-ordination is, and ultimately judge them how great/awful they will perform sexually.

Next time you get to the point where your tinder match wants to take it to the next level think about these points and head to your local. And even if it's still awkward and unbearable you’ll give the bar staff something to laugh at.

Apologies to those who don’t drink or aren’t allowed in establishments where alcohol is present. You’ll just have to suck it up, go have a coffee and hope for the best. If you don’t drink alcohol, or drink coffee I can’t help you because I’m not sure we’re even the same species.

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Kiwi living in Melbourne, Australia
Super good at being super bad at tinder

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